Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Lions even bore themselves


I'm not really sure where this "King of the Jungle" designation came from, but honestly, that is the biggest load of horseshit ever. Look at this dude, he looks like he's ready to put on a pair of slippers and turn in for the night. I seriously wonder if the lion hasn't been resting on its laurels for the past few hundred years, and no one has actually tested one of these things. Like, some lion started a whisper campaign about how he was a real badass, and because the mane makes him look bigger than he actually is, no one wanted to fuck with him. WELL GUESS WHAT LION, TODAY IS YOUR UNLUCKY DAY.

I'm sorry, what? Oh, no, I was talking to him. Not you, we're buddies, right? Can I get you anything? No? Okay, well you let me know.

54 comments:

Andy said...

You're killing me. Found you yesterday, coming back often. Keep stickin' it to 'em!

Anne said...

He pretends to be a badass but we know he is actually a lazyass who lives on the female of his kind to bring home the bacon. Parasite! Time to see him for what he really is!

Katarina erobreren said...

Even worse, the male lions don't even hunt, the females do the work. Just disgusting.

Marinka said...

And what's with the tip of the tails? Metrosexual, much?

Jon said...

Totally true. Bastards.

Niats said...

Amazing! It is about time someone dethroned him!

Natasha said...

They're called PUSSY cats for a reason.

Dave Carrol said...

Dear new blog stranger friend.

Your writing have made me laugh.

Sincerely... another blog stranger friend

Biggest Idiot said...

Is it any coincidence the Detroit "Lions" are so bad? I think not.

Btw, just found your blog and I'm lovin' it - nice work!

Teresa said...

Just learned about your blog yesterday and fell in LOOOOVE. Also, I think you SHOULD totally stick it to that tiny rabbit in the second picture. Fuck lions. Everyone knows rabbits are the ones we have to watch out for. Especially dewey-eyed ones like that one in the picture! :)

Dunesdreamer said...

Let's see...he lies on his ass all day, has the females do the hunting, mates with any of the females in his pride when he feels like it, and leaves his shit wherever he wants to...

Man, I want to be a fucking lion.

tim maguire said...

"Paulie didn't move very fast. That's because Paulie didn't have to move for ANYBODY."

Jason Harx said...

hahahah! This blog is awesome!

December Duplex said...

ok. besides the link to the pic of the bloody entrails, that was funny. good shtuff. lions beware!

John A said...

Somethng I read decades ago (yeah, I'm ancien) - lions were often observed feeding in the early morning, and had a rep as quick to find and kill, until some spoispot found that the kills were doe by hyenas which the awakening lions chased off while the intrepid explorers were still snoozing.

John A said...

spoispot? er, spoilsport. Never could get the hang of typing.

gandygirl said...

Hakuna Matata, bitches.

Tracey said...

Best blog EVER!!!
Keep up the awesome work, oh yeah and fuck you Lion

hutch1200 said...

Why do they call the hair on these pricks a "mane"? I wish they would all "mane-line" some bad Heroin and die. And who's the asshole who thought that term up? Fuck him too. I always hated that "Born Free" bitch too. Is she dead yet? These lazy bastards think the whole world is their litterbox.

Pierre Elliott Trudeau said...

That linked photo of the lion with the bush meat is photoshopped. By the lion.

Taxitermist said...

King of the Jungle indeed, lyins live in the Savannah. Too lazy to even check their atlas'.

kimchalister said...

Just learned about your blog yesterday and fell in LOOOOVE. Also, I think you SHOULD totally stick it to that tiny rabbit in the second picture. Fuck lions. Everyone knows rabbits are the ones we have to watch out for. Especially dewey-eyed ones like that one in the picture! :)

December 17, 2008 10:45 AM
Blogger Dunesdreamer said...

Let's see...he lies on his ass all day, has the females do the hunting, mates with any of the females in his pride when he feels like it, and leaves his shit wherever he wants to...

Man, I want to be a fucking lion.


No, you don't. An individual male lion is "king of the beasts" for about two years, then he is dethroned (Killed?) by the next young male -- who's first act as head of the pride is to kill all the babies.

kimchalister said...

Sorry, I only intended to copy and paste the one entry -- I don't know why the other one came along for the ride....

and apparently there's no "edit".

Madame Letharge said...

Clearly, you are the most brilliant man posting blogs on the internet in our time. I want to have your baby.

Allgaul said...

Hey, yeah-if lions are so tough, how come they don't live in Jersey, huh? HUH? Cause the only lions in Jersey are those ones behind the bars in the ZOOS, yo! Get em, blog person, you represent!

Tee said...

HighLarryUS!!!!!!

Jeff Cooper said...

Scott of the Antarctic learned the hard way. It's not lions you have to worry about... it's penguins... especially large electric ones with green tentacles.

Saad Ali Abbasi said...

uh oh...! lol
(good ending haha)

Jacy said...

Funniest one yet.

Mayrav said...

This site is gloriously twisted. When I feel despondent about the world, I will turn here and cheer the fuck up. Thank you. (And thank Big Action for turning me on to you).

WildbillthePirate said...

If you feel that way, do what the Taliban guy did to the lion in the Kabul Zoo: jump into his cge, run up & cut his nose off, then shout "So you think your a King!"

The Lion then ripped his arm offbefore killing him.

Cats sleep a majority of the day but Lions, when provoked can and have stalked & hunted Men and once they develop a taste for Human flesh, have to be Killed in order to stop them.

Michael said...

This site is FANTASTIC! Awesome title! With that said, while that effing lion is laying around with his tongue hanging out a carload of raccoons is boosting all his shit. Take that, Mr. Lion!

disco munky said...

I don't know, I got into it with a bunch of Lions two weeks back, and although I was handing out bitch slaps left right and center, this one Lion pulled a gun and popped me in the leg. Those fuckers are straight "gangsta". So before you go saying that "Lions aint shit" ask yourself one question. Can you get shot in the leg and still say that? Hmmmm? Thought not. Roar Mutha-fuckers, Roar!

Dunesdreamer said...

Kim responded to my comment with:

No, you don't. An individual male lion is "king of the beasts" for about two years, then he is dethroned (Killed?) by the next young male--who's first act as head of the pride is to kill all the babies.

Maybe so....but how many of us would be happy to be "king for a day"? I think two years would suffice.

T-Bonz said...

like the self-proclaimed King of Pop?

Skeptical Bystander said...

Is it any accident someone wrote a soporific song that goes like this:

In the jungle , the QUIET jungle, the lion SLEEPS tonight, etc.
Way up oh, a wimoway a wimoway, etc.
Fade into snoring....

Or are y'all too young to remember that one?

Dunesdreamer said...

Well, apparently he really liked the young'uns, too....

Dunesdreamer said...

Skeptical...

Who can ever forget the melodious (or is that melodorous) harmonies of The Tokens?

Skeptical Bystander said...

Dunesdreamer wrote:
"Let's see...he lies on his ass all day, has the females do the hunting, mates with any of the females in his pride when he feels like it, and leaves his shit wherever he wants to...
Man, I want to be a fucking lion."

Judging from my own experience and based on this description, most men I have encountered in the wild ARE lions. The clincher was the part about him leaving hs shit wherever he wants to.

Skeptical Bystander said...

DD wrote:
"Who can ever forget the melodious (or is that melodorous) harmonies of The Tokens?"

Malodorous is about right. And thanks to you, DD, I checked the spelling and its "wimoweh". Who knew?

Mack said...

Yeh, fuck those lazy bastards.

Ash said...

Is Discovery Chanel making me more ignorant? Every time they show lions, they're lounging around in the grass. How can they be king of the jungle if they're never actually in the jungle? It's only tigers they show in the jungle. ...ooh my aching head...

wasteomytime said...

We should all be celebrating this picture! It is the first known photo of the underground IFC (Interspecies Fight Club). What we are seeing here is the monkey moving into a rear naked choke hold to win the light weight division.

Go Monkey! Show that rat who's boss!

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