Thursday, December 18, 2008

The red-crowned crane is a straight con


Cranes get away with being too tall for their own good by convincing people that they bring good luck. I guess some Japanese kid tried to make 1000 of them out of paper to cure her leukemia, but she only got to 644 before she died. Basically, the little fuckers said "Sorry, we need 356 more of these, sick child." But really, even if she had gotten to 1000, it wouldn't have worked, because cranes are the mortgage-backed securities of the animal world. They act like they are going to hold up, but if you look at them closely, they are actually overhyped shit stains on the global consciousness.

To commemorate the crane, I wrote a technically incorrect haiku about this one:

Standing in the snow
Showing us all your crane butt
Fuck you, Crane

58 comments:

skwilli said...

Haikus are so cool!

Gregory Travis said...

The Red-crowned Crane, also called the Japanese Crane or Manchurian Crane, is a large crane and is the second rarest crane in the world. In East Asia, it is known as a symbol of luck, longevity and fidelity.

Andrew Peterson said...

hahah! Cranes are over hyped!
When I was about 4 we went to an animal sanctuary, and my irritating older cousin kept, relentlessly whining; "look a crane" - "loook a crane!" "wahhh" - "LOOOOEEEEKK A craaaaaane!" Fuckin' Cranes!

MaineBarnCat said...

This blog is 100% immature, inane, a childish use of so-called nasty words to attempt to shock adults. It works! I love it, I do love it so! Keep it up!

Skeptical Bystander said...

Does anyone dare tell this crane that he or she may be tall, but he or she has a fat ass. And that little red skullcap just accentuates it.

O fat ass crane
Get off your high horse
And laugh with us, at you

Is that haiku?
I never really "got" haiku.
But apparently, I am not alone.

SoulRandyG said...

There once was a Crane from Nantucket...

Fuck you Crane

Mike said...

Best haiku ever.

Melissa Byers said...

I just found your blog.
Pretty sure I am in love.
You say fuck a lot.

Cindy said...

I hate birds; turkey and geese especially. It started very early in my life - mom and shopping trips downtown where the pigeons terrorized me, flying at my head; the trip to a friend's farm where I was told to go collect eggs in the barn where the chickens promptly attacked me, scratching and pecking and waving their wings at my neck and head; family trips to the lake where dad would send us kids armed with bread bags filled with old bread to the picnic area to feed the ducks only to find ourselves surrounded by geese, screaming and climbing trees to escape. Then there's the time "Tweety" got out of her cage and frantically flew throughout the house, flying into walls and us kids while we screamed and ran in circles. Then there's the turkey incident while biking in our state park where one came out of nowhere and flew right into me, knocking me off my bike and taunted me by flapping and making horrible noise. Most recently, two, not one, birds got in the house, at the same time, and terrorized my daughter and I for at least 8 hours, flying up and down the stairs, flapping at our heads, hiding, playing dead, pooping all over the place, etc. This lasted until we were exhausted from screaming and crying and asked a neighbor for help.

The birds have gotten off easy here at "fuck you, penguin." The turkey, at the very least, deserves his own fuck you section. Evil bastards!

Bill Shaw said...

The only thing worse than a crane is a pheasant.

Fucking pretentious pricks.

I wouldn't even eat one.

Don't you know it! said...

Gooses are the worst. You noticed I didn't even refer to them correctly? Come to goose poop park and you can ski!

~*Jenn*~ said...

Omg, Love it. Totally agree, best Haiku ever. And I don't get Haiku's either. Stupid cranes

Dunesdreamer said...

Cindy said:

The birds have gotten off easy here at "fuck you, penguin." The turkey, at the very least, deserves his own fuck you section. Evil bastards!

Are you channeling Tippi Hedren?

Steph A said...

BZA, what is your name? We in the TV industry would like to know who this hysterical writer is!

Cait said...

The cranes are the Bernard Madoff of the avian world.

True story.

FishNChimps said...

Stupid fucking idea naming a bird after a heavy lifting mechanism. These arrogant feathered bastards can't lift a car, can they?

ClizBiz said...

I'm with Melissa. I believe you are my most favorite angry blog. Now try not to get eaten by the many animals you have offended.

Please. Continue.

Will said...

Your haiku is not a haiku. Epic fail.

Murray said...

FU Penguin Dude!

Don't do it. Don't get sucked in to TV guy Steph A's web. I, too am in the TV biz and know how evil it is. They will take your soul.

Friends know when to tell other friends to say "fuck you, TV guy".

Skeptical Bystander said...

Steph A wrote: "BZA, what is your name? We in the TV industry would like to know who this hysterical writer is!"

He's not hysterical, Steph. Just a little down on animals. I see him/her (what do we know?)as a kind of Anti-Dr. Doolittle, if you will. He realized long ago that giraffes are insincere and that zookeepers are very fond of rum. And you would be too if you had to spend time with these professionally cute critters day in and day out.

hutch1200 said...

Cranes suck because of those weak ass legs. I used to shoot their knees out with a BB gun when I was a kid. Only one knee. It ruined that "dignified" walk they had, while they friggin' bugs. And the cheap punk rock dye job, puh-fucking-leazze

Juliana said...

Funny thing. that lil Japanese kid, Sadako...she DID get to 1000 cranes, but she died anyway. They changed the story for the kids book, because, well, because obviously they're being paid by that fucking crane.

mamapduck said...

Simply adding another "fuck you" to the end of that last line would solve your technical problem without damaging the aesthetics of the piece. :)

Olivia said...

Blogger Juliana said...
"...they're being paid by that fucking crane." Hahaha!
Love the site!

Technogeekboy said...

I hit a duck with a rock once when I was a kid. The duck turned out to be OK but some lady yelled at me anyway and kicked me out of the park. I wish it had been a crane.

SWITCH™ said...

this is the best blog.

i don't think so said...

bitch face dumbass crane
your head i'll crack and take brain
smash into the ground

Dave Carrol said...

Oh yeah... and how they flaunt it. Cranes. Newman.

ragarm said...

I like the concept here, but I do think you could find other ways to say "fuck you" without saying things like "shit stain" or "fuck" all the time.

Would be more clever and entertaining.

td said...

I'd like to see a Crane and a Flamingo fight. In Thunder Dome. Two birds in, one bird out.

the dry fly said...

My class did the 1,000 crane thing in 4th grade. It all makes sense now - I can't believe they sold us out.

Technogeekboy said...

Please ignore any comments that ask you to clean up your language. You are like a painter with expletives. You are the Picasso of Fuck.

cassaundra said...

i like your haiku.

J9 said...

uh, ragarm dude - you there?
"I like the concept here, but I do think you could find other ways to say "fuck you" without saying things like "shit stain" or "fuck" all the time."
WHY?!

What is it about Fuck You that you don't get??!

Birds are for it anyway. Oh, and BTW, WTF are the lizards? Those cold-blooded barstards are out to get us all, any time they can. Go in on them and GO HARD.

gibsongirl said...

This crane is crazy
Bitch owes me lots of money
gonna be my whore

ajspokane said...

I laughed so hard and for so long, my sides hurt.

Gastronome said...

Crane, the only way I will kiss your ass, is when you're roasted and hanging from a chinese bbq window.

Alex McCurdy said...

best incorrect haiku ever

TheBlount said...

hahaha... i just found this site and it is hilarious!!! i haven't found a website that actually made me laugh out loud in a long time. ha

Crowscious said...

Greak Haiku.. better than all the ones I wrote at school. Ur awesome.

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