Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The dik-dik is one evil fucker


While there are some animals that just straight don't exist, the dik-dik is very real, only you can't see it except in photos. (Proof: Show me a dik-dik on the internet that isn't in a photograph.) This photo was taken of an out of focus tree, but when it was developed, there was a dik-dik right there, smiling in its little creepy adorable way. Trust me: you do not want a dik-dik to show up in your photos. Minutes after this photo was taken, both the man and the dog were killed in a freak accident involving a water ski, two pairs of wool mittens, and a lion (it was mostly because of the lion). Dik-dik's are doomed to this kind of work because they are really just a giant rip-off of an antelope with a little bit of anime thrown in to make them look really creepy in a Disney kind of way.

The best way to get rid of a dik-dik in any photo is to tell it to get lost. Personally, I like focusing on its lack of originality, e.g. HEY DIK-DIK IF I WANTED TO GET TERRIFIED BY WEIRD LOOKING PHOTOS, I WOULD JUST WATCH THE RING OR READ THE GOOSEBUMPS BOOK SAY CHEESE AND DIE. Don't try to get rid of them by looking at various pictures of them in cute poses for hours on end, or by thinking it's ridiculously cute that they are named after the sound they make when they are alarmed, because I've tried that already, and it doesn't work.

50 comments:

Melissa A. Robinson said...

Bwa ha ha ha.... good to know that staring at their cuteness will not help. :)

Melissa A. Robinson said...

BTW, thank you for not calling this adorable Disney thingy a Dick. I can always count on you to take the high road.

Dunesdreamer said...

That dik-dik better be careful or he might get shot by an even bigger dick-dick--Cheney.

akfireweed said...

I am not sure how to search your archive, but I will bet you gave the Harp Seal Pup a well deserved blistering entry that would shrivel flowers, right? You are my hero.

HC said...

Love that name... Dik-dik..

Pale Writer said...

Um...the dog in the photo you linked to has an erection.

There's more than one dik-dik in that photo.

Kurt said...

When you take a photo of a dik-dik, IT steals YOUR soul.

Jason said...

this emo-faux hawk-eyeliner-wearing-androgenous-son-of-a-bitch needs to get a job!

Ms Unreliable said...

The Ring gave me some pretty hectic nightmares. For about a year. And now, it's all coming flooding back. But this time, it's a dik-dik coming out of my TV.

Must. Not. Sleep.

Mame said...

I'd like to see that doe-eyed dik-dik take on a chevrotain. Vegas would call that fight at 10-1 I'm sure.

Fucking mouse deer. Are you a deer or a mouse!? You can't have it both ways! Go on and get your cute little feet stuck in the coral rag terrain and listen to them snap like twigs.

And what's with the false eyelashes?

Jezebel said...

Holy shit! I knew there was something fishy about you, Dik-dik!
Do not show your adorable little face in any of my pictures. I mean it. Asshole.

Walter said...

What a lame small antelope. Maybe that dik-dik should grow up into an antelope liek all the other antelopes. Stop trying to be the Peter Pan of the antelope world.

Will said...

As if that thing exists outside of Area 51. Little black ops motherfucker.

Don't call me Kat said...

Nice fake eyelashes every time you leave the house.... who are you, Oprah???

jssl said...

In the picture you link to, I'm pretty sure the Jack Russell's red rocket is out, which suggests that the dik-dik is actually seducing him. Also, I have seen one in person, at the Philadelphia Zoo, and they are even more terrifying/adorable than you can imagine. It's a miniature deer! I think I blacked out.

cookieheadjenkins said...

A dik-dik? No, just a DICK! Don't bat those eyelashes at me! no... no... OK, fine, we'll go see Nights in Rodanthe.

Brad said...

Goosebumps Say Cheese and Die! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

blasianFMA said...

LMAO @ a little touch of anime. I was hoping to see a Pokemon reference in this one, lol.

John said...

Animal that doesn't really exist: lemmings. Seriously. You only hear about them when you're really young, then they disappear from your life entirely. Ergo, it's all a lie.

Charles said...

"Dik-dik's are doomed to this kind of work because they are really just a giant rip-off of an antelope with a little bit of anime thrown in to make them look really creepy in a Disney kind of way."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Jenny said...

Imagine one of those popping its head out from behind a tree when you were camping. It would immediately be just like the Blair Witch Project, but the dik-dik would be the witch herself. And next thing you know you're finding little bags of teeth everywhere

alex said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysPQiF_kvX4

that is a dik-dik on the internet that is a youtube, not just a photo

bevw said...

And, omg, they think they're on some moral high ground! From Wikipedia
"Dik-diks form monogamous relationships"
What do you want, a medal? Dik squared.

PinkAster said...

How do you know this dik-dik is not really an alien posing as a cute ruminant to lure in its victims? I mean just look at those freakish eyes in the linked picture. It's very suspicious I tell you!

Juan Andrés said...

Can't stop laughing!

Somer said...

This made me laugh out loud in class, awkward

Insults said...

I think I went out with her.

claireownsall said...

say cheese and die is my absolute favorite goosebumps book!!!!

Dr. No said...

Hey dik-dik, I have something you can suk-suk.

Lia said...

Of it isn't real. What self respecting scientist would name something "dik-dik"? Like the Yeti, come on, it's a dead giveaway!

Allgaul said...

Cute animals that stutter their names should not be allowed to be photos on the internet. Period.
And I see a hidden tinkerbell-esque quality in it's little (maybe a little TOO little?) adorable face. Hey dik-dik? TICK-TICK. Your 15 minutes are way past over!

grisly remains said...

someone beat you to it. I think that is a dead dik-dik in the photo with Little Red Rocket. Notice the stone used to prop up its head? I'd say that is a hunting trophy shot.

hirakendu said...

;);)

melouise said...

Miserable nose job, dik-dik. What next, collagen lips?

Do what you will; your ass is NEVAH GONNA be on a runway, bitch.

We're done here. Tell it to the HOOF.

OzarkTroutBum said...

BULLSHIT!!

That's a goddamned deer from the Neverland Ranch!! CLEARLY overdosed on plastic surgery provided by the King of Pop in an effort to cover up his own stupid mistakes. He figured that if everything had a fucked up looking nose then his nose wouldn't look nearly as bad.

I hear the elephant and giraffe have gone into hiding and are threatening lawsuits...

YiiHee!

Jackie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jackie said...

I think grisly is right. Also look at the eyes they don't look alive. That picture literally made me sad, not from cuteness. This pretty much makes the guy in the picture a dik-dik in my opinion.

steer said...

The dik-dik in the other photo with the man and dog is dead. One hopes the same fate will befall you, dik-dik. Dik-dik dead-dead. Tasty.

grisly remains said...

grisly is always right. Always. Dik-dik is dead.

umijin said...

Heh - saw one of these in a zoo once. They smell bad. End of story.

trulymadlydeeply said...

The Goosebumps reference was, I want to say genius but it seems a tad over-exagerated.
Nevertheless, quite original. And definately hysterical.

Victoria said...

...Why does it need so many eyelashes?

nltisme said...

These creatures are hypnotic....I cannot stop staring at the damned ears!

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She the one that wanna ride hot whips, huh
Same one that ain't really got shit, huh
She want her hair done, then get her nails done
Go to Fifth Ave, just to shop for Shanell, huh
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Wouldn't dance if you ain't pay for her breasts implants)