Monday, February 2, 2009

Don't listen to groundhogs


I know your secret, Groundhog. You've had a free ride for way too long. Newsbreak: Groundhogs do not know how to predict the weather. It was inevitable that people would start to catch on, since you have to switch it up every now and then to keep people guessing, but every year the spring continues to arrive at the same time. You've only been able to last this long because of the teeth, Groundhog, those damn teeth, taunting me with their prominence. But those teeth cannot save you for long, because if you don't put them away, I am definitely going to see my shadow. And then it's going to be a long, cold winter for you, Groundhog. And it's going to last you the rest of your life.

45 comments:

Kelly said...

So funny. You seriously kill me.

Will said...

Oh for god's sake, throw in some dental hygiene. Seriously. The color yellow-brown called and said it's ashamed.

Colleen said...

Okay, you kept the yellow teeth so that you could represent, but the game's over; your Steeler's won.

Go see a dentist already...

Tim McNutt said...

And somewhere, Chris Elliot is crying. Fuck you Groundhog and your crappy movie!

David Dust said...

Fuck you Groundhog.

You are a combination of two of the dirtiest things on the planet: "Ground" and "Hogs".

Disgusting.

*Nic* said...

What is with those teeth anyway?

G double dash LOC said...

Your chompers are going to get a koala punch ala careerbuilder.com style for your pompus attitude. Your fat and people applaud your worthless weather skills. Bill Murray says fuck off, and eat dirt varmit poontang!

Dr.Salt said...

He doesn't even account for Global Warming!

Or is that just a groundhog conspiracy?

KBO said...

On a drunken whim, I went to Punxytawney last year for Groundhog's Day, and I can tell you, these assholes have everyone snowed. You know why he always sees his shadow? Because the stage they have him on has huge flood lights. This dude is a complete hanger-on.

goeastyoungwomantodubai said...

Groundhog, you look like a rat slept with a puffer fish.

Lose some weight you slacker!

Jezebel said...

I'm gonna punch those teeth right outa yer head, ya mangy bastard!

reidwords said...

The absolute cutest bottle opener I've ever seen.

bevw said...

Seriously, groundhog. You're a murderous scumbag, and your reign of terror is over. Busted!

Kaethe said...

Bravo. Perhaps your finest entry ever.

But you left out an important detail about groundhogs: they are such liars. Despite the name, those guys drag their rounded carcasses up into trees to sunbathe, and then drunk on sunshine and maybe moonshine, they just fall out of the trees. Don't climb down, nooo, they just let go. Thud.

Mame said...

Those teeth would look great on a necklace.

Yaz & Chris said...

Fuckin' brilliant. I was hoping in my heart of hearts that you would rag on these bastards today. Thank you for being the brilliant mind reader you obviously are and coming through.

MELODY SEZ said...

Why is someone like this here called a groundhog?! It makes no sense one iota of a bit!
I see squirrels out my window at the moment getting nuts and stuff and you don't hear people calling them nut and stuff hogs!
If anything we need to call him a MEDIAHOG! Not a groundhog! I must look into doing this!

melouise said...

FYI "Mr Groundhog", I cheer and laugh maniacally whenever you drive your steroid-snortin' drunken cousin-loving road-rage ass over the cliff and burst into flames.

Have a nice day, Fuxatawney Phil!

Grk! said...

I don't know what Tony McPhee saw in them.

Dunesdreamer said...

Don't blog angry. Do not blog angry.

kimber p said...

I once dated a chick that look like that fucker..think I was lettin her anywhere near my zipper?? I fucking think not.

Katie said...

I don't even know where you get "hog" from, Moron! You look nothing like a hog.

Let's get something straight, dumbass, we're gonna have six more weeks of winter whether you see your damn shadow or not, ya big phoney

hirakendu said...

;-)

HC said...

Lol, funny. Groundhog needs a toothbrush...

XKillerBenX said...

You sir are my hero.

susan r said...

Take that, useless fucker. You rodents with your teeth-based cuteness can take a long walk on a short dock. Fucker.

Jon Strongly said...

We had a ground hog living in our backyard when I was little, until my dad put a garden hose down his hole and flooded him out.

Couldn't predict that one could ya shit-dick?

Allgaul said...

Groundhogs=life's great big speedbumps.

Kafka Stole My Bike (aka K-terk) said...

Let's see those pearly whites after my shovel and I are through with you! If I wanted worthless meteorology, I'd watch the local news. Jerk.

stavrogin said...

A groundhog bit bloomberg today. I think they know which way the wind is blowing.

I Punched A Werewolf in the Face said...

I say we should have barbecues on Groundhog day....starting with YOU GROUNDHOG

melouise said...

My idiot husband almost set our barn on fire last year by putting a smokebomb on a stick in a groundhog hole.

He chased it around the yard and decided that he would get the little fucker- forgetting that he was sticking "sulfer fire on a stick" under 100+ year old DRY WOODEN STRUCTURE.

I still have a barn, but only because I also have 200 ft of garden hose and more brains than the numbnuts "Eddie Albert/ farmer in a suit and tie" I'm married to...

MoMountainGrrl said...

that bastard ruins my birthday every year.

Pick another day to come out of your hole jerk.

Jeff said...

I would like to turn this fucking groundhog into chum, and go fishing for shark.

kingstreetfarm said...

In defense of the lowly groundhog (which after all is really just one very big fuckin rat), one DID bite Mayor Bloomberg on the hand yesterday. So, they've got that going for them.

Fat Tony said...

That furry little bastard had me fooled for years as a child....bout time he got his.....now for the easter bunny!!!!!! BITCH!!!

margeauxmargeaux said...

this is something I've never understood. how do they choose the groundhog out of the wild? and once they know which groundhog is "the one", do they just put a cage around its burrow? when I was a kid, my area's local groundhog was wiarton willie. one day he died, but then magically, come next groundhog day, they had a perfect new wiarton willie all ready for groundhog day. was it the first wiarton willie's son? do groundhogs even have babies? I'm not sure if they do, because the media hype around the stupid things really does not make it seem like there is an entire family of groundhogs living down there, it really seems like one groundhog to a hole.

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