>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<<
We have all experienced the ups and downs of life, but every once in a while, something so shocking happens that it makes everyone stop and reevaluate what they had perceived as a decent and functional society. Today, we deconstruct one such instance, when faith, justice, and everything good in the world must be called into question.
Okay, this is pretty bad right off the bat. First of all, the perp is a fucking koala, which already makes him suspect. I don't always speciesally profile (which is a term, look it up (don't)), but koalas, I mean, come on. He's not coming inside to crap on your face (at least not literally).
Then you've got an arm in the picture, which puts this koala in perspective. THAT IS A BABY KOALA, PEOPLE, AND HE IS PUTTING HIS PAW IN THE WATER TO TEST IT OUT.
At this point, this koala already knows it's in the bag: he's going to get all the eucalyptus leaves he wants for the rest of his godforsaken life. HOW DARE HE USE THAT TONGUE IN FRONT OF A CHILD, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.
I don't even know what to say here. Are you happy for yourself, Koala? Why isn't the last picture good enough? You were using your tongue. Is being famous in Australia not good enough for you? IT'S A GIANT FUCKING COUNTRY, KOALA. Were you planning on going abroad for your second year of school? You're a koala, you're not from anywhere else. But you have to be world fucking famous. You want it all, Koala, and apparently you don't care who gets hurt.
But see, this is what happens when you let cute animals do things like get wet, cool off like they are humans, and demonstrate how small they are and what their koala paws look like. Of course, this has caused a series of copycat crimes throughout Australia as koalas grow egos and become convinced that no one can stop them.
And do you know what the worst part of all of this was? It happened on MY BIRTHDAY. When even penguins had the decency to take the day off! Fuck you, Koala, you heartless criminal. I hope you can sleep at night, knowing how your newfound fame has wreaked havoc throughout the world.