Monday, February 9, 2009

An inside look at the John Wayne Gacy of the new millennium

>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<<

We have all experienced the ups and downs of life, but every once in a while, something so shocking happens that it makes everyone stop and reevaluate what they had perceived as a decent and functional society. Today, we deconstruct one such instance, when faith, justice, and everything good in the world must be called into question.
Okay, this is pretty bad right off the bat. First of all, the perp is a fucking koala, which already makes him suspect. I don't always speciesally profile (which is a term, look it up (don't)), but koalas, I mean, come on. He's not coming inside to crap on your face (at least not literally).

Then you've got an arm in the picture, which puts this koala in perspective. THAT IS A BABY KOALA, PEOPLE, AND HE IS PUTTING HIS PAW IN THE WATER TO TEST IT OUT.

At this point, this koala already knows it's in the bag: he's going to get all the eucalyptus leaves he wants for the rest of his godforsaken life. HOW DARE HE USE THAT TONGUE IN FRONT OF A CHILD, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

I don't even know what to say here. Are you happy for yourself, Koala? Why isn't the last picture good enough? You were using your tongue. Is being famous in Australia not good enough for you? IT'S A GIANT FUCKING COUNTRY, KOALA. Were you planning on going abroad for your second year of school? You're a koala, you're not from anywhere else. But you have to be world fucking famous. You want it all, Koala, and apparently you don't care who gets hurt.


But see, this is what happens when you let cute animals do things like get wet, cool off like they are humans, and demonstrate how small they are and what their koala paws look like. Of course, this has caused a series of copycat crimes throughout Australia as koalas grow egos and become convinced that no one can stop them.

And do you know what the worst part of all of this was? It happened on MY BIRTHDAY. When even penguins had the decency to take the day off! Fuck you, Koala, you heartless criminal. I hope you can sleep at night, knowing how your newfound fame has wreaked havoc throughout the world.

69 comments:

Crowscious said...

Yeah, the last pic shows you to be the monster you really are. Go climb trees and fall off.

David Dust said...

Fuck You, Koala - you media whore douchebag. Make sure you have your Agent and Publicist book you on the Oprah show, so the entire world can be disgusted by your brazen antics.

*Nic* said...

It's broken me. I actually want to cry at its cuteness.

Amanda said...

RIP all the beautiful koalas caught in the Victorian fires...

Tim McNutt said...

Notice how clean the water is in the first two pictures. Now look at the fucking smirk on it's shitty Koala face in the last two. That thing shit in the water bowl. Please hold all defecation until AFTER your photo session.

Insults said...

Those pictures make me angry at the world.

Meredith said...

Bless her little koala heart. Bless all their little hearts. This post makes me sad.

Walter said...

I saw a Koala in San Diego. They're taking over Southern California.

Shimmy said...

Fucking Koala made the blog misspell "millennium." Go abroad for your second year of school, heartless Koala, and you better not come back spelling "cemetery" with an "a."

Bill Shaw said...

First of all, Happy Birthday, BZA.

Secondly, they aint that fuckin' cute...that waterbowl smells like someone took a shit on a jar of Vick's Vapo-Rub...fucking smug-ass non-bear, marsupial punk-assed glib motherfuc....ahhhh, shit, ain't that picture with the tongue out just precious?

Sam said...

my husband (who could definitely be featured on your blog) has an excellent theory about the inspiration behind 'fuck you penguin'. i won't post it here, because it might be incorrect or else true and then it would blow your cover. either way, we appreciate and enjoy FYP. i even added a link from my blog.
keep up the good work!

Mame said...

Happy Birthday and may you have many more years of telling off penguins and saving us from all manner of cuteness - your service is greatly appreciated.

Dunesdreamer said...

Suddenly my mind is overwhelmed with a joke, the punchline of which is "Eats bush and leaves..."

Jamie said...

I had so many things to do today. Work, go volunteer at a local community organization, have dinner with friends, help the elderly woman upstairs get her laundry done. Then this happened. And now I am paralyzed with the utter cuteness and audacity of this fucking koala bear. You have shut down humanity, koala. Fuck you, Koala.

Jezebel said...

Your assholeness is second to none Koala. You are a base and vile creature sitting in your bucket of water and I am sickened by you.

HC said...

Oh cute koals you are the symbol of holy cuteness! :-P

Meeg said...

I will be having koala-colored nightmares tonight.

tastyfake said...

It's my fucking birthday today (4real) and this shitbag turns up! Ruined!

Jenny said...

I really like the dirty water from his dusty, dusty furs.

Andrew Birkhead said...

Coming soon to Fuck you:

http://ffffound.com/image/1616a3f91598e35bddbb3d6355143daea5008617

cassaundra said...

that cute, heartless, little bastard.

Zehava said...

And thank goodness no one even mentioned the word "bear". If there's one thing that just pisses Koala's off, it's calling them a damn bear. You'd think journalists in Australia could manage that!

Thank you FYP for showing them up.

Oh yes, also, very cute. But then Koalas are designed that way. If only you could hear their disgusting grunting, and smell their asses...revolting.

Bill S. said...

I'm normally right there with you, but by the third picture I just spontaneously let out an "Awwww!" It was pretty bad; I think the cuteness broke me.

Jeff Wilk said...

More proof, in my book, that "koala" really means "jagoff" in Aborigini.

I. G. said...

I'm sure the motherfuckin koala pissed into the water. I'm sure.

LiLu said...

I am dead- DEAD!- on account of teh kyoot.

Wendy_P_in_NJ said...

FUCKING KOALAS!

This one's even more famous than Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger! And it sure as hell didn't land a freakin' plane on the Hudson River and save 154 people!!!!

AS IF I need another reason to cry tears of joy in this lousy world we live in!

Timbo said...

I am so very glad I sent this in to you BZA so that you can expose this shameful marsupial for what it really is.

Tim in Oz.

PS it's actually really sad. The drought is so bad here the eucalypts don't have enough moisture, so that combined with 45+deg Celsius days is literally killing our animals.

Jill said...

I used to have a toy Koala covered in rabbit fur...I slept with it. I know, I'm too old to be sleeping with stuffed animals, but I could give a fuck what anyone thinks. My greyhound ate it.

Steve said...

I guess what he is really saying is, look at me in the water. i don't think he meant any harm.

I'm not even sure he was aware anyone was photgraphing him.

I know how distraught I would be if I was photographed in the bath and the pictures posted on the internet.

I say on this occasion let the koala be cute, without the abuse.

It's All Good said...

yp I aint gonna lie those some freaky ass paws

jojo said...

im so glad i showed you this link. its about time someone taught this little douche bag thief a lesson.
everyone here in oz loves this little punk. im over it.

oh and i got my fuck you, penguin t-shirt today.
brilliant stuff.

Happy said...

oh..just another stupid american

pinkspatzi said...

So sad! I can't rag on this poor baby considering its entire family has probably died in the drought. I forgive it its unbelievable kayoot-ness.

cermedes said...

John Wayne Gacy? More like Ted Bundy. First, he slowly seduces us by testing the water with his tiny, good-looking paw. Then, he slips his long tongue languidly into the bowl of water. By the third photo he is taunting us like some sort of crazed sociopath. Finally, in the last shot he absolutely murders us with cuteness in his twisted, perverse gaze. You animal!

hirakendu said...

;-)

shailaja said...

dude. these guys were obviously ready to wreak some havoc on your b-day as well. grrr.

Trish said...

You. Will. Hate. This.
I Did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rooyt3ptNco

Guaca-molly said...

So glad you put that sucker in his place!

Julie said...

Koalas are mean little bastards. They rape their women. I saw it on tv, so it must be true. Fuckers.

morbidlylila said...

There is nothing that I hate the most - Cute, Wet and hairy.... on second thought :-S ...... sorry got distracted.... can I just say F/U you Koala!!!!!!

Dr. Jay SW said...

You're clearly misinterpreting. The little girl has used the water to lure the koala inside, where, having taken these adorable pics, she's going to be cooking up some delicious and nutritious koala burgers before the day is through.....

Donica said...

oh the humanity!

http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Most-Emailed-Photos-David-Tree-crime-scenes/ss/1756

~E said...

Happy Birthday!

Kara said...

Here's some hot (literally- burning, ouch!) firefighter-on-koala lovin'

What's sadder than a dehydrated, burned, homeless koala? Answer: nothing!

vidoe via CNN: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2009/02/11/aplins.aus.sam.koala.ninenetwork

Niki said...

So hey I hear the RSPCA in Victoria is taking donations.

I reckon if they get enough donations the koalas might (MIGHT) stop insensitively spashing around in human baths.

http://www.rspcavic.org/campaigns_news/news_bushfires.htm

ensalaco said...

now they're falling in love and CUDDLING. the UN Security Council should call an emergency session...

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,25047210-661,00.html

Tara Rabeumdeay said...

Timing.
Is.
Everything.

I think this one was a oops.

Have to call it like I see it. But still love FUP and happy belated birthday.

ende said...

Hey Koala, go climb up an AIDS tree, asshole!

Mark said...

That guy might want to make that koala 'disappear'.... Here in Australia, more people die from koala related deaths than even from shark attacks.

You can be walking around minding your own business, then BAM! a koala will jump out of a tree and kill you ten times before you hit the ground.

You've been warned buddy.

Victoria Seacrist said...

"The word koala comes from the Dharuk gula. Although the vowel /u/ was originally written in the Latin alphabet as "oo" (in spellings such as coola or koolah), it was changed to "oa" possibly due to an error.[3] The word is erroneously said to mean "doesn't drink".[3]" -Wikipedia

This Koala, sure loves to drink!!

VIRGO said...

SO FUCKEN CUTE!!!!!!

Justice Mitchell said...

I want to tea-bag him.

Ewan said...

Somewhat cynical post. The poor little bugger was completely fucked. The drought and heat wave has left the little fella with no option but to not bother with the threat of humans and seek water at any cost. The family that helped him are to be commended for their empathy...inlike this "blogger" who thinks they're funny. Fuck you blogger.

ldycougar said...

I can see the fit between Gacy and this prudent bastard ... By the way Love this blog... yor funny all day man

Silver Storm said...

www.thebiographychannel.co.uk/biography_home/722:0/John_Wayne_Gacy.htm

I invite people to see what I mean about the fit the look alike

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Zoelolo said...

Adelaide (where all those pics are taken) is my home town and is suffering from the most horiffic drought and water shortages. I feel so bad for the koalas!

You've gotta know there's something worrying going on with climate, when even animals evolved for the hottest driest conditions are finding it too hot and dry.

琪琪 said...

not fair! this woulda blown colbert's other contestants outta the water!......
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grego said...

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