Monday, March 9, 2009

DEVELOPING: Dolphins attempt to expand marketshare


(AP) Long relegated to the portion of consumers that were interested in blue animals, dolphins have finally made their move to take over the other half of the Cetacean market share. Introduced in the waters near Louisiana and expected to spread out into oceans nationwide throughout the year, a pink fucking dolphin made its debut last week.

"Until now, we've really only fit in boys' rooms and accessorizing with us has been extremely limited," said one power-hungry dolphin who doesn't care who gets hurt. "This is really our best opportunity to spread into the Hello, Kitty market, and perhaps even find a new generation of dolphin fans." Taking a monopolistic page from Microsoft, the dolphins have been packaging a free pink dolphin in with every blue dolphin, as seen in the photo attached.

As of press time, the dolphins' heavily focus-grouped plan seems to be working, as the legendary blog/lifestyle "Fuck You, Penguin" has reported receiving hundreds of emails about this rosy asshole. "If I see one more fucking pink dolphin, I'm going to flip out," said site creator/saintlike philanthropist bza. "They are so beautiful, and yet so rare, they make me want to stop showering and go on tour with them, and I don't have time to do that because my work is too important and I don't know how to hippy dance."

But there's still one demographic that has yet to absorb the impact of this development, and that's the children. Bill McNeal, an expert on the psychological impact of cute animal abuse on defenseless fucking children at The Fake Institute (TFI), has begun immediate studies, funded in large part by FUP t-shirt profits. "So far, the children are fine," said McNeal, "but the long-term effects must be examined over the coming years before these pink bastards can be cleared of all wrongdoing.

"Though," he added, "no one really thinks that's a possibility."

53 comments:

Jenny B said...

Pink is the new khaki

Kurt said...

You know what else is pink sometimes, Dolphin? Assholes. The end.

HC said...

Haha, yes so sweet a pink dolphin.... Doesn't every girl would like to swim with a pink dolphin?

hi said...

Don't even think about a (red) edition to support AIDS research.

Katie said...

What are you thinking Dolphin? It's like your copying Flamingos. You're so unoriginal!

Brad said...

i want to study at The Fake Institute (TFI)

Jezebel said...

Oh, the inhumanity! I am afraid for our children, I fear the long term effects will be catastrophic. I never thought I would live to see the day there would be pink dolphins swimming around. It'a an affront to nature. Got that you pink asshole? You're a freak. An adorable pink hello kitty abomination.

Paula said...

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! I can't help it!

wombat said...

Thank God we have the people at TFI and FUP watching our backs. I am deeply grateful for the public service you perform.

electricbetty said...

Fuck You Penguin would only lower it's value-- perceived and actual-- by becoming enmeshed in the "hype" surrounding these shallow, pageant-quality pink "dolphins".I support your decision to stay out of the fray.

JaneE said...

Are assholes really pink sometimes? Do assholes turn other colors sometimes? Are assholes like mood rings? I need to buy a hand mirror.

ludicrous8 said...

thank god for those t-shirts.

Walter said...

Greedy capatalist dolphins.

Peekabag said...

You see children, when a red and white dolphin love each other, they make a pink dolphin.

Pizza Girl said...

Isn't "pink dolphin" just another euphemism for a penis?

Will said...

No, but penis is a euphism for Pink Dolphin.

gregoryyy said...

Don't let my avatar fool you.

I KNOW the hippy dance.

Pixie said...

You're like the Poser among dolphins you pink son of a bitch!!

Pixie said...

I bet you work for PETA too, don't you? You publicity whoring asshole.

[ J ] said...

Dear Pink Dolphin,

Dying is bad for your skin.


Regards,
Everyone

Courtney said...

OMG EVEN DOLPHINS ARE GETTING IN ON THE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS!
SAVE THE TA-TA'S!

Don Newbury said...

I have to say that this is one funny-ass site. Keep up the good work.

Dunesdreamer said...

You realize that once the Japanese fishing fleet hears about you, pink dolphin, we'll be seeing a new variety of tuna on our grocer's shelves....way to go, FUP!!!!!!

Dolphin Hater said...

Ugh. This makes me sad I terminated, well, allowed to lapse, my prior blog "Why Dolphins Suck." Oh well, to the vectors go the oils.

Tom said...

Mmmmm... Looks delicious! :D

timberagain said...

Next they'll show these pink shitheads surrounding a human in distress and helping him stay afloat. DO NOT be fooled.

yellowdog granny said...

some jackass will trap it, kill it and have it put on their wall just so they can impress their friends.them buttroys.

conorske said...

The dolphins are doing nothing wrong!

This is still a free market after all! If they want to expand, they should be encouraged to do so!

cermedes said...

a pink dolphin? i usually judge dolphins by the content of their character, but this time i'm gonna judge a dolphin by the color of it's skin. i mean come on, the next thing you know it'll be shooting rainbows and cupcakes out of it's fucking blowhole. get over yourself pinky tuscadero.

Wildwoods Retreat said...

What kind of idiot expands market share in this world wide recession? They can't read so who's really behind this new business? And if they do succeed in this expansion ~ where did they get the money ~ for that matter where are their damn pockets anyway? Who ever heard of a dolphin suit without pockets? OMG readers stop thinking about fucking pink and start worrying about global conspiracies!

BTW ~ does no one think its weird that their spokesperson can actually speak! Wake the fuck up!

hirakendu said...

;)

Nurby said...

my kid wanted a pony for her birthday, but yesterday she came home from school and asked for a pink dolphin!

akfireweed said...

I am certain that ther exists some commercial grade tuna that is not pink dolphin free. I am buying a case of that shit. Pinko commies.

Shane said...

Most thing's pink are good eating. Pink icing.......Pink lollies......Pink bits.......and lets not leave out the newly manufactured pink dolphin. Mmmmmmm tastes like the chicken of the sea.

RebTurtle said...

You attention-whoring non-conformist bastards. It wasn't enough that you had to be different from fish by breathing air, or doing gymnastics, or saving little kids and boaters in distress on TV, but now you're going flamingo? What's next, Flipper? Tiger stripes? Corporate advertising? Flashing lights?

You've hit a new, adorable, low... you big fake fish. You'll never be able to compensate enough for being the "little" ocean mammal though. You may be cute, but the whales still have size on you, and that does matter!

exapologist said...

Dear pink dolphin,

I'm on to you. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? 'Nuff said.

susan r said...

Looks like a piece of dolphin-shaped gum.

ARAJAY said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Insults said...

I can get you a dolphin in any colour you want. No questions asked.

Allgaul said...

Oh great. Now how will I tell the truly disturbed little child from the creative little child from the color-blind little child since they can color a dolphin pink and get away with it? At least I can keep my grayish bluish crayons intact,but there goes all the pink crayons in my art room and in this economy I got no $$ to replace them. There will be some crying going on in art land, I'll tell ya!
and PS: My word verification is dophical-the market share and dolphin recognition is spreading at a rapid pace. See the Dow go up today? It might be a good thing....

Silver Storm said...

WHAT THE HELL?? gives a new meaning to albino, or pink elephants, cant wait to see the flying pigs.

NOT!!!

Fangela Fangula said...

Could you link to the original story?

Suzanne Darrow said...

Found this on wikipedia, all the more reason to stay the fuck away:

In a traditional Amazon River myth, at night an Amazon River Dolphin becomes a handsome young man who seduces girls,impregnates them, then returns to the river in the morning to become an Amazon River Dolphin again. It has been suggested that the myth arose partly because dolphin genitalia bear a resemblance to that of humans.Legend also states that if a person makes eye contact with an Amazon River Dolphin, that person will have nightmares for the rest of his or her life.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Snorky. Talk. Man.

nltisme said...

I wanna big pink dolphin of my own NOW!

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