Friday, March 13, 2009

Is it just me, or are baby animals really being dicks recently?


I had a thought last night, Baby Elephant, and it involved you pulling out all the stops to get me on your side. That thought was that I hate you, Baby Elephant. All you do is stand in your African shangri-la with your trunk and your ears and your little baby elephant smile, and I'm just supposed to sit here in my crumbling empire and take it. It seems like you aren't alone, either, as baby animals everywhere are really taking a turn for the worse. Well guess what, Baby Elephant, I'm not going to let you use the fact that you are a minor as an excuse for your shitty behavior. I know you think you're a star but put the fucking ears away, YOU AREN'T DUMBO, BABY ELEPHANT. If you are going to act like a hardened criminal, it's time you learn the cold hard truths of the world.

And yeah, I know you thought you could get away with it because I already did elephants, but fuck you, they're my rules and I can break them whenever the fuck I want.

P.S. Don't even think about growing up to be friends with a dog, you cynical media whore. And if you do, and the dog gets a spinal cord injury, WALK AWAY.

53 comments:

Will said...

I touched a baby elephant once.

I still feel dirty.

Jezebel said...

Little baby animal bastards! And you're their ring leader, Baby Elephant. And that really pisses me off, jerk-off.

me melodia said...

that comment is hilarious.

Angela Raincatcher said...

Fuck you, Fuck you Penguin, for sharing that gratuitous link to the elephant and dog story. I feel so dirty that I actually teared up a bit. I am such a wretched sucker!

Jay Ballz said...

stupid baby elephant. Bite it hard!

Insults said...

I'd love to stuff my balls up his trunk.

Walter said...

You know, really, it's just not far. You're the size of a bathroom, and yet you're still adorable, baby elephant. Fuck you for defying the rules of adorableness so blatantly.

furiousBall said...

they are being dicks and not big cool Iggy Pop type dicks, more like shrinkagey Blink 182 type dicks

HC said...

I luv baby elephants, especially little Dumbo...

wombat said...

holy SHIT F.U.P., don't have a link lead to a baby fennec fox like that without any warning! What are you trying to do to us!

Kurt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kurt said...

What the hell are you pointing at, Baby Elephant? Do you think you're the Babe Ruth of the Savannah or something? Your pomposity will be your undoing.

Shimmy said...

Oh, for Chrissakes, what a fucking diva!

Bill May said...

Ah Ha, you misspelled spinal cord. I like pointing this out because I'm white.

Dunesdreamer said...

Look, fucker, your kind has already had a song written about you--by Henry Mancini, no less! I suppose you are hoping the fucking Jonas Brothers will do a remake so you can force your way into the public consciousness again.

Good luck, pachyderm puss.

Noob Mommy said...

My Friday has been ruined, BE. Obviously, your smug smile shows you, however, will be enjoying yours. Thanks for nothing.

Diego said...

WTF are you smiling at baby elephant? Don't you realize you're nothing but a black market commodity to me? And stay away from my dogs, you sick, jungle-fever-having-fuck.

Allgaul said...

Go ahead and laugh at us while we look at you and wonder how you got a hose stuck on your face. Yep, a HOSE, baby elephant-it's coming right out of the middle of your FACE. I'm now officially referring to you as "Little Hose Face". Who's laughing now, baby elephant!

True Blue Liberal said...

I know that Dunesdreamer already beat me to the logical musical connection, but now I've got that idiotic Mancini melody sTuCK IN mY HEAD!!!!
Get it out!!
Fuck You Baby Elephant for Inspiring Insipid Sixties Elevator Music!!

Teresa said...

FUP, did you HAVE to dig up old wounds and post that fucking dog and elephant video????

I watched the dog put his paw on the elephant's foot, and now I don't think I'll ever recover.

Nicole oh-so Lovely said...

my heart hurts....im not even mad at the baby elephant or the fennec fox...

on a daily basis i bring to my boyfriend how i will own both of them as pets...and here YOU are shoving them in my face......

i havent even had my coffee yet...

ugh,
www.yourbabyisanasshole.com

Kalana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kalana said...

Hi. I don't know who the founder of this blog is but you seriously need to meet my roommate. It is simply destiny.

Amy Jones said...

Yes, I can see how the diabolical plot works. I have spent the last hour studying the disastrous effects of cuteness - too bad when I was supposed to be cleaning my house.

Thank you for your blog where I can concentrate my efforts, where I can be informed how to protect myself from this nefarious plot of the animal kingdom. It is clear they seek to soften our minds and render us helpless by cunning means.

geekbride said...

I've had a dream for years about working with orphaned baby African elephants. Today that dream has been smashed to bits because this elephant has proven what pricks his species is. DAMN you, Baby Elephant!!! Damn you to HELL!!!

yarravillewahine said...

BZA you are truly a comic genius, You should be a writer for The Daily Show. Oh, wait, maybe you really ARE a writer for The Daily Show. That's it! I've cracked it!!!!

The Girl Next Door said...

Dogs and elephants? Next you'll tell me Madagascar wasn't fiction after all? Damn you

samantha_clark1 said...

This baby elephant story is good and all. But that link to the elephant and dog story is the funniest example of "journalism" since "Bart's People". I almost wet myself laughing. Is CBS considered real news in the U.S.? Fuck I hope not. "Take a good look America. Take a good look, WORLD". Beautiful.

Wildwoods Retreat said...

OMG, I think I OD'd on cuteness. WTF

melouise said...

Bite me, Babar.

Mikey said...

http://www.boston.com/travel/gallery/zoo_babies/

Vanessa said...

The good news is, they're well on their way to being extinct. We'll get those elephants yet! Everybody loves that delicious ivory, and the African poachers are here to help. Yay!
Vanessa
http://www.wideawakeinwonderland.com

p.s.
Ugh. Secret decoder ring exam. I am mentally retarded with ‘type in the garbled word’ human-certification tests. Which makes me worry that maybe I’m not human. Maybe I’m an android replicant like in Blade Runner and no one has had the balls to tell me this yet?

Camille said...

Oh God.
Why did you put links to those adorable, filthy, disgusting, SO DAMN CUTE babies animals?

I feel like spewing and weeping at the same time.

hirakendu said...

;)

Dr. Jay SW said...

Fucking baby elephants...this blog is really performing an important service in reminding us all of how much and why we hate them...

Taisha said...

The #1 killer of baby elephants in captivity is HERPES. It's a real-life FACT. Not so cute now, are you, you wrinkly, gray, walking STD?

Ches said...

They're Evil i tell you, evil! I know...I'm African.

They will fuck your shit up without reason!

Sean said...

I hope that's not my baby elephant you're talking about.

ferralfemme said...

baby elephant...your trunk looks like a big gray wrinkly dick. You're a goddamn cock face, baby elephant. fuck you.

George said...

Elephants are crazy!

http://ourcrazyanimals.blogspot.com/

Julie said...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7951331.stm

this proves your point, an actual pink baby elephant. To what dickish lengths won't they go????

Harry said...

This is some fucked up shit. This is like an extended edition of a family guy moment which stopped being funny a while ago. Baby elephants are fucking adorable little guys growing up without apposable thumbs. I really don't think they need a blog like this. Man if they could type, you'd be sorry.

Patcannistan said...

The little bastard really is smiling

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