Wednesday, March 18, 2009

No.


Honestly, Axolotl, if you don't stop existing right now, I'm going to tear my eyes out and then eat them, in the hope that this would somehow be so traumatic that I would never have to think about you ever again. You might finally put the whole intelligent design argument to rest. (Does anyone really want to think about God doing acid?) On the other hand, I can't possibly think of an evolutionary reason for you to look so ridiculous, you amphibious motherfucker. Are you trying to blend into a Keith Haring painting?

Just because you have a weird looking smiley face where a normal face should be doesn't mean I'm gonna ignore the fact that you can't even metamorphosize your crazy ass. EPIC EVOLUTIONARY FAIL, AXOLOTL. Maybe you should think a little less about creeping people the fuck out and a little more about stimulating your thyroid. You probably make the best argument ever to stay out of the water. I'll take my quarter of the earth's surface, Axolotl, now leave me the fuck alone.

98 comments:

NatD said...

OMG, they sell this fuckers at the mall, labeled as "dinosaurs". As if.

Kurt said...

Look Axolotl, it's real simple. Either your a bird OR you're a freaky amphibian thing. Which is it?

Nola said...

*ARRRHHHHGRMOLFMPFFRRRTTT!* You little shit! You made me spit out my coffee all over my office keyboard! Now I think I'm going to have nightmares tonight of your feather,psycho looking puke face! Thanks, Axolotl, I'm visiting my therapist about this. I know I don't have one now, but after this- who knows how long it will take me to recover! Thanks alot asshole. ..And what kind of name is "Axoltol" anyways? Way to look exotic duechbag. I'm not impressed.

Greg and Kris said...

Heh, heh, he said stimulating your thyroid, heh, heh.

Nicole oh-so Lovely said...

If the new teen Dora the Explorer is looking to get rid of Boots and get a new sidekick.....my vote is to the Axolotl....

High Hopes,
www.yourbabyisanasshole.com

kayce. said...

if he's amphibious, can't he come get you on the earth's surface, too?

jg3 said...

BZA,

2nd best FY,P post thus far. Kudos.


Axolotl,

Nice hat. Where can I get one? lo(t)l

Will said...

Hey axoltol, gollum called, he said your fingers are creeping him the fuck out.

tk13 said...

Axolotl, get back into my Pokemon game and go back to existing only in the digital world.

Jezebel said...

Axolotl? You could at least be named something I can pronounce asshole. Get over yourself! And wipe that ridiculous grin off your face!

Kathy said...

This is the most stupidest waste of any human beings time. And showing the degeneration of your mentally ill minds. Thinking to make fun of animals and nature in its utmost perfect state. Why don't you all volunteer for something a little more worth your while. Like things that matter- like saving the planet or commenting on AIG.

Jeff Wilk said...

What's with the cilia?? That shit is so last year.

furiousBall said...

say Hi to Spongebob and Patrick for me, you idiot.

Joshua said...

"Axolotl"?

Isn't that a Grateful Dead album?

loosegrape said...

And what the fuck is up with the feather boas? You look like some kind of 50’s stripper. News flash, Axolotl: Burlesque is dead. I only wish you were, too. Loser.

William said...

Fuck you and your..um..lung beard?

jkc said...

I think y'all axolotl such a small, ugly, obviously marginally sentient critter. I mean, it's clearly got all its stupid ass can handle trying to decide whether it wants to be an animal, or some kind of weird walking carnivorous plant.

john said...

Look at that photo again... it's climbing over a mountain! You can see the stars in the sky behind it. That things HUGE! I'm hiding in my basement now. The world as we know it is over.

Dunesdreamer said...

This would have been the result if Stanley Kubrick had cast Jim Henson rather than Keir Dullea as Dave Bowman in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

[ J ] said...

Dear Axolotl,

What the fuck? Don't make me come over their and wipe that silly grin off your face.


Regards,
Everyone

Tano said...

Clearly it's hiding something behind the rock. Probably a third creepy pointy hand and a knife. Someone needs to preemptively shoot its face off.

www.waytoobitter.com

Meeg said...

I heard in Mexico city you can find grilled axolotl. Anyone hungry?

Kathleen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Quercus said...

Hey, better an axolotl than an ixitxachitl.

cassaundra said...

that is the strangest thing i have ever seen.

he thinks he's a piece of coral!

moi said...

hi kathy

I thought the same at the beginning but with time…eeeh … with time you still think like that but I don't know how to save the world and Obama doesn't pick up the phone when I try to give him my comments about AIG. And, you know what, wasting your time without hurting anyone is ok. It's YOUR time

Ches said...

Freaky ears man! Trim those bad boys!

Choppy said...

I had no idea what an axolotl was until I saw this. Now I'm fucking terrified. Thanks for nothing, axolotl.

And P.S., learn to spell.

Lillian Wey said...

That's pretend. Like spin art or Ikea.

HC said...

Ridiculously cute looking fish... Luv it!

meghanvonkrentist said...

first thing i said when i opened FUP today was NO. then i saw the title of the post. there's really nothing else to be said. except that people keep these tiny aliens as pets? WAT?

"The genes responsible for neoteny in laboratory animals may have been identified; however, they are not linked in wild populations, suggesting artificial selection is the cause of complete neoteny in laboratory and pet axolotls."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Axolotl#Axolotl.27s_neoteny

www.welcometothesalon.tumblr.com

geekbride said...

Axolotl, you smug little asshole. I'd like to see you crawl outta the water and ...okay, no go back in. No seriously. You're freaking me out. RUN AWAAAAYYY!!!!

Roxie said...

The Axolotl is a lie.

hirakendu said...

;)

dan2600 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dan2600 said...

So i herd u liek mudkipz

Melody sez said...

He he! I bet he would tickle my nose if I sniffed him! He might make me sneeze! This stuff I am pretty sure about! He has pretty colors! I would not marry him though! I really doubt we could get a license anyway! I would say!

Dr. No said...

You know FUP, you have become part of my daily routine. Like morning coffee, the newspaper, work, and afternoon whiskey shots, your daily dose of animal fuck-offery has becomae a constant feature in my life. But this Axolotl thing...well, its just NOT RIGHT. My whole day is fucked now.

Technogeekboy said...

What a dumb-ass. I bet that stupid thing gets beat up every hour on the hour. I bet a starfish could whip his ass.

Cletus Pages said...

Best. Site. Ever.

Chlorian Theoreticus said...

The fact that you can be induced, via iodine, to metamorphose into a salamander, pisses me off even more, Axolotl!

You are so goddamned strange and adorable!

Damn you!

Peanut Publications said...

What????? lmao

Wildwoods Retreat said...

When in NH I found 2 black and yellow salamanders living in the basement ~ named 'em "Bonnie and Clyde". Axolotl while the smile is cute and the feather thingys are ... cute in a uber weird way ~ we do not want to find you in the basement ~ embrace your evolutionary destiny. No one likes a slacker.

lbwsampson said...

I'm sorry, but I appreciate any animal that, according to Wikipedia, can "suck food into their stomachs with vacuum force." That's just fucking cool.

Mary Grace said...

kathy,

most stupidest? really?

sincerely,
me

p.s. this site is very obviously made by someone who thinks these animals are all very cute and understands and appreciates the fine art of satire. get a grip.

Tuck said...

FUP, you had me at "EPIC EVOLUTIONARY FAIL, AXOLOTL."

Is this what happens when you don't use brita filtered water for your sea monkeys?

The Chiconomist Celine said...

That fake smiley face and those freaky fingers will haunt me in my dreams tonight

Sara said...

That fucker's got a frilly tiara like some sort of fucking sea princess.

I hope an Aztec eats you, fucking sea fairy.

Elayne said...

Did you get the plucking out eyeballs and eating them thing from the inmate here in my fair state (Texas) who recently did exactly that?

Not both at once; he'd auto-deoculated (??) himself once earlier, coupla months ago, and eaten that eyeball. Then recently he got a little peckish and, well, you know how the jailhouse kitchen can be about unauthorized snacktimes, so *pop* *slurp* down went the second one.

*Full. Body. Shudder*

(I was undecided about leaving this comment, but the word verification is "suckTM" and how could ANYONE resist that??)

(Aww, now it changed and it's "inuboti," which is close enough to "in your booty" to make me snicker at 4:45 A.M....)

Pizza Girl said...

Here sea-kitty, kitty, kitty. I won't hurt you. I wonder if it purrs.

Love,
PizzaGirl
apizzagirl.blogspot.com

Irlandese said...

Despite legal intervention, Pikachu's younger sister's spring break harlotry is now available on DVD: "Axolotl: Amphibians Gone Wild".

The shame.

Laughing Soul said...

I have nightmares about how this gets out of the water and walks on hind legs then goes and gets starbucks.... freaky fucker

Trish said...

This is one a**hat of a creature.

Albino Mexican Walking Fish - Axolotl Origin: Lake Xochimilco, Mexico

What idiot would want to have one as a pet?

Ease of keeping: Medium
Aggressiveness: Highly Aggressive

Don't let that cute little grin fool you.

Adult Size: Up to 30cm - 12 Inches
Feeding: Beef Heart, Liver, Any kind of meat

Who wants it roaming around getting to be a foot long, eating livers and other "meat"?

Gaina said...

Ever seen them 'in the flesh' as it were? Don't do it to yourself, they're smug little bastards and yet, you will still love them.

Although if I could grow back my own limbs I think I'd be a little bit smug too.

kt said...

You need to create a sequel to the Earth (2009) movie with captions on how annoyed you are at watching the animals and their cuteness.

Rachel said...

officially my favorite blog!

Blake-to-Banks said...

:) !

I suggested this.

Silver Storm said...

AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH ok i'm alright I think!! SCARY!!

Dr. Jay SW said...

I happen to like thinking about God doing acid....

yarravillewahine said...

I love you, BZA. You rock my world.

Thunderclese said...

Don't worry about them existing too much longer. They're critically endangered. Cuteness falls to Darwinism.

tk13 said...

Also, Axolotl, we won't fall for your attempts at belittling us by posting as "Kathy". We're onto your game, freak.

Sincerely,

FUP Readers Who Consider This Site Amusing And Know They Can't Solve All Of The World's Problems

jimysayshi said...

the worm from the labyrinth?

http://clairesdotcom.com/labyrinth/other/worm.jpg

babbler said...

Mr. Slug says: "You mean kids better leave my brother alone! He is constantly getting harassed at school for his choice of headwear and the fact that he is very tasty in a taco shell! If only I could grow some nice looking four fingered arms!"

Magic Pants Jones said...

Seriously? I want one.

D1S4ST3R said...

You know some researchers suggest that humans show characteristics of neoteny in that they more closely resemble younger apes than they do elder apes.... Awesome blog!

Jun Okumura said...

In Japanese, it's pronounced aho roh-toru, which also means "stupid old coot".

Jennifer Worick said...

Axolotl, it's your creepy little paws that are freakin my shit out. You're like a fiendish nightmare from a 1970s ABC Movie of the Week. Is Karen Black down there with you or did you eat her?

http://thingsiwanttopunchintheface.blogspot.com

Amy Jones said...

This is a totally sweet - no I didn't mean that - really perverted blog. Unfortunately, I can't subscribe to the comments since I work around kids, or could never check my own email during lunch at work for fear some little munchkin would read FUPenguin in the subject line - oh, well, so much for grumbling about cuteness, as if I wasn't already surrounded by the stuff....blech...little kids - good grief!

Gaina said...

Amy: Just say the first bit really fast and tell them it's a special type of Japanese Penguin. *LOL*

Dark Avenger said...

Excellent


and what about this one

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5000892/Mystery-condition-leaves-hedgehog-with-no-spines.html

croak elixir said...

Damn it axolotl, you have a weird name to pronounce, it's like choking on one of your offspring, plus all those pokemon kids call you a mudkip erroneously. Man up and set em straight. Otherwise I'm gunning for your extinction. That's right, 10 million years or so of relative non-evolution and I'm going to show you the path of the Dodo.

JCB said...

This is a real life mudkip.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

sarahisastorm said...

AW =( I KINDA LIKE IT =(

spamdonationsforthepoor said...

What's with all the idiots trying desperately to be witty? You guys aren't funny. Shut the fuck up. The guy can write his own material. There's like 20 of you idiots making fun of the fucking thing like you're all the cleverest bastards. "Psycho looking puke face", seriously? (Just to take one random example, by no means the worst. For example: "You have a weird name to pronounce". What the fuck?) The guy is genuinely funny. Don't ruin it with your shitty "humour".

Prensada said...

Eu adorei esse bichinho. Achei lindo. Beautiful.Very cute.
=)

nltisme said...

Axo appears to be mellow-trippin'....peace out dude!

YoungHasBeens said...

And what's with the lungs on the OUTSIDE of your HEAD Axolotl?! Plain old "indoor" lungs not GOOD enough for you? Well fuck you and your lungs. I Hope you choke on a tiny crustacean and die because it's impossible to give the heimlich maneuver to an amphibian that has lungs on the outside of its head. You won't feel so "special" then , will you?

d-l-c said...

Bullshit, I know a glammed-out frog when I see one.

Teh Notebook Ghurl said...

but...it's so cute...

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Yaya said...

a) yeah what Sa said (wtf) b) i used to spend hours in my biology class staring at this exact picture in our bio book. i was never fully convinced that it was real. c) you can buy one of these fuckers? HELL YES SANTA.

M@tti@ th£ $nowbo@rd£r said...

U, axolotl, are stupid funny animal (are u sure u're an animal?)!
And your name: axolotl! what fucking name is axolotl?!
fuck u stupid axolotl!!!

P.S: I've got yuor book

ten11twlve said...

LMFAO@AXOLOTL!!!!!!!!!!

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erika said...

i think it's cute!

MCOM United Storm Chasers said...

HAHAH. i literally laughed out loud.

AWhimsicalOddity said...

I used to work in an Ambystoma genetic stock lab with these little guys. They are some creepy little shits.

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FalloutERin said...

The word "axolotl" comes from Nahuatl language, right?

JEN SPENCE said...

What do you expect for a Mayan motherfucker? Those guys invented a freaking calendar. Of course he has a smug smiley face.

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