Friday, March 6, 2009

Ostriches amuse only themselves


Ostrich, seriously, I am not taken in by your "crazy guy" look with the fuzzy hair and the silly grin. You are like the late era Robin Williams of birds. YOU HAVE NO EDGE, OSTRICH, STICK TO THE MIDDLING DRAMAS ABOUT MENTORS AND SADNESS.

But, alas, the ostrich will never know that its days have come and gone. Similar to the grandfather that makes terrible jokes that no one finds funny, but people laugh at them to not make him feel bad, ostriches walk around like they are the funniest damn thing since camels, and everybody goes along with it because they could literally slice open your entire fucking body. The best thing to do when an ostrich like this one approaches you and is all "Do you believe my legs and neck are so long, but my body is like a big ball? I mean, it's totally out of control!!" is to be like "Ha, yeah! It is pretty funny," but if he gives you one of these, quickly follow it up with, "But, you know, you really are very dignified," and then drop to the ground, cover your head and neck, and hope they don't stand on you for too long.

50 comments:

Will said...

That dude is one small evolutionary step from a FUCKING VELOCORAPTOR! And I for one would swerve my car on purpose to make humanity safer by crushing one. I hate it, because it is FILLING ME WITH HATE.

Kurt said...

I don't know what you're laughing at, Ostrich. I'm not the one who's eyes look all hyper-tensive.

Kerry Allen said...

That is not even an ostrich. That is Michael Jackson having the dress rehearsal for his farewell tour.

Doublebanker said...

Pretty fucking scary if ya ask me...

Daily Gif Blog

DB

SaRaH said...

Someone should tell that ostrich that his pictures are on a WEIRD MEAT site. That's right, Ostrich, MEAT.

miss k said...

don't bat those eyelashes at me, ostrich, because it won't work. even if you put on a pink bow and ballet slippers and dance on a float in a florida theme park, it will not calm me into submission. i'm staying the hell away from you and your dinosaur claws.

Heather Laurel said...

I never knew how dangerous the ostrich was until I found this site... I'm staying far away from the velocoraptor's cousin at the zoo.

outcastspice said...

your blog is so funny! i love it, i laugh at every post, thank you! :)

furiousBall said...

the ostrich is what happened when Larry Fine from the Three Stooges fucked an iguana.

HC said...

These guys amuse me too with their funny faces... :-))

lukas.tall.jones said...

From the linked site, the only advice I will head when dealing with an ostrich:

If your life is in danger and you have a stout stick, a hard blow to the ostrich's neck will usually break its neck and kill the animal. A well placed shot into the center of the main body ("center mass") from a large caliber handgun (.44 or .45 caliber) will stop the ostrich. A machete blow to the neck will also kill the bird.

Die Ostrich, Die.

electricbetty said...

Those false eyelashes are not a disguise, ostrich. At best all they do is make you look like an american idol contestant run amuck. Don't insult us.

Jezebel said...

Stupid Ostrich. Why don't you go stick your head in the sand so I don't have to look at you! I mean what kind of bird are you? You can't even fucking fly. It's really pitiful and it makes me sick. Way to ruin my Friday scum bag.

jflorek said...

Stupid flamingo wannabee.

Neil said...

http://www.wikihow.com/Bury-a-Dead-Bird

Very helpful ostrich-disposal wiki for when you inevitably have to shoot the arrogant fucker, linked to from the instructions on how not to get sliced open. However, it seems to have overlooked the size of said bird, as it recommends using a shoebox or cereal box. Perhaps a refrigerator box would be more appropriate?

Julien said...

He makes me think of a bad movie...can't avoid it and once you've seen it you have nightmares about it!!!

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Lucy said...

And I learned how to survive an ostrich attach today, not what I expected when I came to work today.

me melodia said...

crap!
This just made me laugh so hard my boss came in.
Thanks ostrich.

Insults said...

She went to my school.

Courtney said...

AAHH Comparing it to a Velociraptor is fuckin' scary. o_o;

Ntash449 said...

Ostriches have been planning a massive assault on mankind for a millennium. Its just a matter of time before we are all chased down and gutted...

sundaegirl71 said...

We are going to need more Stovetop to stuff that guy.

hirakendu said...

;-)

livingladolcevita said...

They are called arsestretches because they lay such huge eggs.

ChicBrokeConfused said...

all it's missing is a circa 1980's Members Only jacket.

Dunesdreamer said...

Well, if it isn't the Reverend Jim Ignatowski...I know I've been in this fucker's cab...

Nicole oh-so Lovely said...

and ostrich burgers are really good...

-www.yourbabyisanasshole.com

Marilyn said...

That ostrich is the Jack Nicholson of the animal world.

melouise said...

Phyllis Diller without the wig.

Allgaul said...

Hey Ostrich-I steal your eggs and decorate them. Over and over easy.

Refugees of Birds, et al said...

My cockatiel loves watching ostriches on television. In fact, we were watching "10,000 BC" the other night and in that scene where those giant ostrich type birds are ripping apart the humans, I noticed that the cockatiel was plastered to the side of his cage, staring at the television with rapt attention.

I'm scared.

Wildwoods Retreat said...

Don't trust birds that smile.

Ever.

The Jules said...

Oi! Ostrich!

Wind yer neck in sunshine!

Mickey Napalm said...

Pandas. You need to do Pandas. I know they're not small, but they're fucking useless cunts and I don't know why people spend so much time trying to save the fuckers. It's this big tragedy that they only have sex once a lifetime? A species like that deserves to be extinct.

Shimmy said...

I'm not laughing, Ostrich. You can tell me all the knock-knock jokes you want, dumb ass -- I'm keeping an eye on my food dish.

Jane Doe said...

Man, ostriches are mean! Velocorapter is right! My cousins used to raise them here in MN and once and a while one of more would get out and chase her down the road as she was jogging. Not a great way to start your day!

Pat said...

Now I understand what Teddy Roosevelt was saying when he said to talk softly and carry a big stick. He must've pissed off one of these fucking things before becoming president. I'm surprised that he didn't pass any anti-ostrich laws...

Katie said...

Hey Ostrich, Phyllis Diller called, she wants her old face back!

Insults said...

Is there going to be another series of Ally McBeal?

ScrapCandy.com said...

I just found you, yet I think I love you already. Oh, and I also hate the new follower widget. Can't the Blogger people spend their time writing code to make a 3 column template instead of shit like this?

OzarkTroutBum said...

Ostriches are pussies! There was a big pen of them at the state fair and everybody that walked by was getting bit by these evil fuckers. I was wise to their ass and walked over and stuck my hand right up where they could get at it and they did too.
GUESS WHAT?

It doesn't hurt! Not even in the slightest! I just held my hand there and let them grab at it till they realized I wasn't buying their blustering bullshit and they walked away because they KNEW I was going to ride one of the bitches next and if they hate anything worse than us knowing their biting doesn't hurt, it's being ridden.

J. Benson Fong said...

AWWWWWWKKKKKKK-FRRRRWAAAAAAWWWWKKKKK!!! Translation: GIMME THAT CHEESE SANDWICH BEEITCH!

I studied Ostrich back when I was in the Navy.

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