Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tapirs always fail to turn on the charm



Oh, Tapir. Tapir, Tapir, Tapir. I can't possibly imagine what could be funny enough to forget that you are a giant pound of grayish black blubber with a cone head and a nose with nostrils so large if you zoom in on them they look like a monkey's face. So you must be smiling like that because you think it's going to make me like you.

Well, Tapir, it's not going to work on me. Not today, NOT EVER. So stop following me with your nose, Tapir, PREHENSILE NOSES ARE FOR ELEPHANTS. Talk to me when you can conceive of altruism and make paintings, asshole.

59 comments:

Prosy said...

Yeh Tapir! And why don't you get a name thats more easily pronouncible!

Choppy said...

Tapir, you look like Sloth from the Goonies. Fuck you for trying to steal his awesomeness.

Ches said...

I just pissed my pants!

PersonalFailure said...

This things not going to paint. Look at it- it has all the creative ability of a rock. Stupid tapir!

Kurt said...

Get some braces,Tapir! Your teeth are disgusting.

melouise said...

I'm sure you have a "nice personality", tapir.

Otherwise, your species would NEVER continue!

tea_please said...

Plus, it looks like a pig body, sitting like a dog. I'm not falling for it.

john said...

Listen, Tapir. Between you and me, you've gained a few pounds lately. Maybe the next time you feel like eating you should go for a jog instead. With a little more effort on your part, you might even start to look like a warthog or something!

Keir said...

If the nostrils are the monkey's eyes, what the hell is that part of the tapir that looks like the monkey's nose? It look like a clitoris!

Mame said...

Good thing you didn't have a picture of a baby tapir or we'd all be dead of cuteness by now.

Jeff said...

Whatever you do, DO NOT do a google image search for baby tapir. DO NOT DO IT.

trulymadlydeeply said...

"NOT EVER", really? hmmmmmm... I see...
Its got cute dimples, though. And aside from some needed general orthodontic work, that smile couldn't be um, ... sweeter?

Baby tapir's are where its at. Don't be silly with the adult-posting..

The Cheap-Arse Film Critic said...

... Dad?

Jezebel said...

Listen elephant-wanna-be, get over yourself! There are really no words to express what I'm feeling right now, Tapir. All I know is that you're making me so ill I may have to go home. Way to help the economy douche bag. If I had any mob comnections I would use them right now, Tapir. Then we'll see who has something to smile about.

HC said...

Too funny! :-)))

sumrtime said...

Tapir, your monkey nostrils are fucking ridiculous. Just stop it RIGHT NOW. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Quercus said...

Fucking perissodactyls!

ensalaco said...

Make this shit stop right now... http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1163175/Move-ER-Welcome-worlds-orang-utan-hospital.html

5holeSAVE said...

Jeezus H, Tapir, what an asshole! You are the dork of the entire animal kingdom, and I hope you see an orthodontist soon.
Frikkin' nostrils. You look like a bowling ball. Asshole.

Dunesdreamer said...

Alien v. Predator? Looks more like Alien Fucked Predator.

hirakendu said...

;)

Not with a whimper said...

Hey, Tapir, assface!

You look like my wife when she's giving me that hideous "come hither" look that makes me run out the back door while throwing up.

Like I really want sack time with a fucking monster.

furiousBall said...

I fucking hate when mother nature starts fucking around with photoshop. nice job, retard

Melinda said...

Yeah Tapir, I know why you're smiling. Because you have one of the the biggest dicks in the animal kingdom. Smiling like you're better than everyone because of it, too. Freakin' show off.

[ J ] said...

Dear Tapir,

Please get a new dentist.


Regards,
Everyone

Traycina said...

HAHAHA. He looks like the dorky Moose. Or like Sloth.

SLOTH LOVE CHUNK!!!!

ouredman said...

These things are vicious, had one completely mangle and rip off a worker's arm about 10 years ago at OKC Zoo.

http://www.igorilla.com/gorilla/animal/tapir_attack_in_Oklahoma_City_PartTwo.html

Muppet Soul said...

Is it wrong that I want to kiss him?

I think I'm confused.

It's All Good said...

thats ugly

Melinda said...

Ouredman, are you serious? I go to a local zoo and hand feed them every chance I get. To think, Mr Tapir has been thinking about how he can take my arm off next time I feed him peanuts. Jerk.

Wildwoods Retreat said...

OMG, wiped that ridiculous grin off your face this instant!

And stay out of my studio. If I catch you using my paints...again ~ there will be real trouble mister!

Kit said...

Everything is made up for by the fact that the tapir has the largest penis-to-body-size ratio of any mammal.

But no one ever wants to fuck a tapir.

OzarkTroutBum said...

You kind of expect him to say,

"Stop me if you've heard this one..."

Everybody always stops him at this point because Tapirs are known the world over for their repertoire of stale, sad old jokes.

cermedes said...

ah, the true definition of "fugly". way to go tapir.

Dave the American Platypus said...

Melinda and Kit aren't kidding about the size of a tapir's bozack. I saw one at the SF zoo a few year's back....

Just, if you're curious, go to youtube and search for "tapir penis."

kelly said...

mr. penguin hater, can you please maintain your frickin blog by doing it daily? how am i expected to endure my horrendous 9-6 job (which i am supposed to be thankful for because of the economy)without spending a good :45 minutes of reading and distributing your rants and raves!? I am demanding that they can no longer be sporadic postings!!! Just to further u along, I am including an animal so you can catch up and blog today!
two faced kitten: http://www.zimbio.com/Weird+Animals/articles/10/Ohio+Two+Faced+Kitten+Doing+Well
Star-nosed mole: http://www.zimbio.com/Weird+Animals

sincerely,
your very dearest, and bitterest fan

kelly said...

For god's sake, even the Aye is an easy target!
http://a.abcnews.com/images/Technology/ap_aye_aye_080529_ssh.jpg

Heather Cherry said...

I have to agree with Kelly. I'm going to need you to post more often, if only for my own personal benefit.

P.S. I left you an award on my blerg.

red.door.read said...

looks like an inside-out orifice with teeth.

EUTERPE said...

Dear FUP,

Kelly and Heather Cherry are right!!!!! I hope there is no serious illness keeping you from attending to your blog duty. There are many many examples of human exploitation by the cute(and/or ugly) animal kingdom that need your attention.

Magpies in Australia are thriving in urban areas owing to humans feeding them in their back yards. In return what do these birds do? In spring they try to peck the brains right out of our skulls.

Please your followers need your guidance!!!!

Jenny B said...

I saw God in those nortils

Derby said...

also see questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1290 and questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1293

kilgore said...

DO NOT GOOGLE BABY TAPIR! you will suffer unabashed cuteness if you do.

Maggie said...

I just snorted with laughter at my desk and now everyone around me thinks I'm insane.

Big Brother is Watching said...

Tapir, you bear a striking resemblance to Dick Cheney.

Brian said...

What region of Fucking Disgusting Land does this hideous bastard come from?

mango said...

Who exposed this thing to radiation?

Random Sketchy Brainfart DOT COM dude said...

I like tapirs. So there. I don't give a fuck. I love them

Random Sketchy Brainfart DOT COM dude said...

I like tapirs. So there. I don't give a fuck. I love them

kalisz said...

Tapirz r0x0rz, no matter what you say, assholes ;) they are cute as kids and impressive as adults. And BTW they're very friendly and funny, and their noses are cool too. They were here long before we did and they will stay on earthlong after the mankind will kill itself. TAPIRS FTW!!! :D

nltisme said...

I've dated uglier men....then I stopped the drugs. Ugh!

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furbearingbrick said...

And what's more, they eat your dreams! No, really! They devour dreams like a lion at an all-you-can-eat meat buffet! (Explanation: tapirs look like a mythical Japanese creature called Baku which eats dreams. Japanese people actually call tapirs baku!)

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