Monday, April 13, 2009

Egotistical deer think they are always making your day


Deer always like to take time out of their busy days roaming the forest and eating leaves to come into a clearing so onlookers can get a glance of them. They always claim to do this "for the people," but it's really because deer are huge attention whores. If they walked out into the open and no one turned to look, they would probably do something embarrassing like run in front of a car and just stand there, practically begging for someone to notice them.

Well, today is the day, Deer, because I am NOT impressed. I'm just having breakfast on my porch here, I didn't come outside to be mystified by your beauty and the fleeting nature of our time on Earth. So why don't you wipe that smirk off your face, the one that's like you're saying "This is really gonna make their day," and back right up into that forest and go find me something interesting to look at, like one of those 3-D posters that you blur your eyes at.

54 comments:

David Dust said...

Two words:

Venison Bologna.

Fuck you, Bambi.

Doublebanker said...

Sure would look nice on my mantle!

Daily Gif Blog

DB

Lana said...

you know what else is really not cool, deer? when you come prancing along and lure my dog into chasing after you in a futile game of tag, stop taunting him already!

daniel said...

There's nothing creepier than being invited into a girl's bedroom only to find several large deer heads on her wall staring at you...

Will said...

Rodents with Antlers.

Geophile said...

This is one of my favorites! "I didn't come outside to be mystified by your beauty and the fleeting nature of our time on Earth. So why don't you wipe that smirk off your face" :-D Well done!

tcs3600 said...

He's smirking because he sees some yet-uneaten flowers in your garden, and because you live in some snooty liberal pansy-ass suburb where you can't bring your deer rifle out on the porch with you.

Walter said...

Honestly Deer, you're just a small horse with antlers.

HC said...

Hey hello, I am here, yes just for you and only for you! You better enjoy it before i'm off...:-)

Gra said...

Honestly, live and let live is my motto. What deer do in the privacy of their own homes is their own business. By why do they have to come into *my* village late at night with their white tails bobbing lasciviously, and their erect antlers? How do I explain such wanton exhibitionism to my children? where have our values gone?

M.J. said...

Stupid deer.

Choppy said...

And seriously, Bambi, stay the fuck away from the car. No one likes to see deer carcasses by the side of the road.

john said...

Have you ever seen a deer run? All they do is hop up and down! Talk about crying for attention. Run like a normal animal, deer. You're just embarrassing yourself and everyone who sees you. It's only cute until your antlers snag on a low-hanging branch and you get eaten.

Melissa A. Robinson said...

Bwa ha ha ha .... hee hee hee.... I hate those damn posters!

Hee hee...

Deer can play coy with me anytime. I love big sneaky things that only appear on rare occasions. They keep life interesting.

romunov said...

I get similar visits all the time. Except roe deer seems to be more on the shy side.

michaelscomments said...

Hey, deer, GET OFF MY LAWN!

Kurt said...

Like I need you to fucking smile at ME, Deer. You've let all those antlers go to your head. (zing!)

Eva G. said...

Deers and 3D blurry vision posters have one thing in common: they make me want to throw up. Get a life, deer.

Tall said...

30.06 FTW if I spot that bitch on my lawn...

LB said...

Deer: the cockroaches of suburbia.

5holeSAVE said...

Hey deer. ya you. I killed your mother.
No, not black powder; green audi.
BAMMM!!!!

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Mountain Muddah said...

And take that stupid hat rack off your head, deer!

Bridget said...

They also come out of the woods to give us lyme disease. You forgot about the lyme disease. Assholes.

melouise said...

Side of the road???

Up here in Maine, ya call the game warden when someone hits a deer to get a legal tag of ownership- kids get taken out of school, all the relatives come over including the elderly grandparents- and ya throw a big ole "Butchering Up Free State O' Maine Beef" party!

Seriously- you have not LIVED until you've held the front legs apart with a flashlight jambed under your chin at 2 am, helping the Old Man gut roadkill. Good times!

True story from when I was 15- I effing hate venison now! ;)

Pizza Girl said...

Lol at the spam porno website comment above. Girl on girl deer? I dunno about that, the antlers are kindof the turn-on (I would think).

SewMamaLady said...

Deer it was really desperate of you to jump in front of my truck instead of politely asking me to stop. You may have not ended up on the side of the road if you had. Stop hanging out in the middle of the road so that everyone looks at y'a!

The Last Waltz said...

Coming home one night last summer, I pull into the driveway, and my headlights shine on 2 deer getting it on in my backyard. WTF, deer? I don't fuck in your backyard, don't fuck in mine! There's little kids next door, you perverts!

Sethjj1975 said...

My mother once told me,

"Much Like Shit.

Deer Happen."

You, deer, can just go fuck yourself.

akfireweed said...

I am in Oregon, and I think the deer are really depressed here. I do believe that would explain the large numbers who step out in front of semi trucks. I think a support group might be in order. Maybe some Prozac. Man is in the forest.

Wildwoods Retreat said...

So why do we tolerate this obnoxious behavior?

Well, since you ask, I will tell you. We tolerate all the self-serving narcassim because deep down we think that stag on the edge of the forest is Bambi's Dad come home at last.

I just hate it when Deer drag us into their family dysfunction.

Brian said...

Is it necessary for them to seriously inch their asses up to the absolute most CLOSEST-TO-THE-ROAD-BLADE-OF-GRASS THEY CAN EAT???

Alex said...

Bambi.

I shot yout mum.

And I laughed when I did it...

davecarrollrsd said...

the grass by the road is soooo salty.

Nicole oh-so Lovely said...

i demand a new post!

love,
www.yourbabyisanasshole.com

cassaundra said...

love it.

MEBEE said...

deer suck

susan said...

Dear Deer,

Can you try to have bigger turds? Yours are really small for how big you are. KTHX.

Gracie said...

Thank you for bringing laughter to my day. You are a hoot!

Peace. Gracie.

lildragonslayer said...

Fuck you deer!! I know that you tried to kill my boyfriend by running head first into his car!! You're lucky he didn't get hurt! I'd make a fucking table cloth outta you! But why is your ass still alive you son of a bitch?! You should be some hicks roadkill dinner! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! I hope you get into another fight with someone's car and die!

Barb said...

STUPID DEER. When I was really poor, I picked you up and took you to the meat locker and paid a bunch of money for you to become food, AND DEER JERKY my kid wanted and it all sucked and I had to give it away. So you just better stay away from my car, I will put on the 4wheeldrive and chase YOU!!

Barb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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