Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I don't approve of you either


I know you don't like me, Sea Turtle. I can tell not only because of that look plastered across your face, but because you sent me that report card that had "Needs Improvement" marked all the way down the list. Well, guess what, Sea Turtle? I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING GREAT EITHER. All you do is live underwater where you can't breathe and then come to my beach and bury your eggs all over the place. No one thinks you're better than a tortoise, Sea Turtle, so stop thinking you can judge everyone just because I followed you around the tank at the aquarium for an hour and a half.

Yes, perhaps at one point I may have said something to the effect of, "If only a sea turtle would like me, I could be happy," possibly during a deposition. And it's possible I wanted to have flippers like yours, but knowing how much of a dick I would turn into, I think I'm going to ride this opposable thumb thing out. You see, Turtle (pun intended, fucker), I like my life. Could I change a few things? Sure. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let a sea turtle come over here and tell me how to go about doing it.

57 comments:

Makuluwo said...

LOL.
The bastard looks so condescending in that picture.

Will said...

Yeah, I mean, turtles are generally useless, what'd god expect when he crossed a seashell with a penis? Though I guess if you are only 1 in a 1000 of your siblings that survives you'd be superior too. Even if you are just a dick in a hardhat.

Jezebel said...

Are you fucking kidding me Sea Turtle? Really? All I know is you better stay off my beach 'cause when I see you I won't be able to stop myself from completely kicking your ass!

dustin said...

"You kids better get off my beach!" would be the last thing I hear before I turn him over in the sand and laugh, the 150 year-old bastard.

whitney_p said...

"(pun intended, fucker)" hahah. you make my day, BZA.

PersonalFailure said...

Sea turtles have only a minimal right to judge me.

rob-t-firefly said...

Blood don't get much colder than that.

Becca Du said...

And he thinks he can get away with carrying that shell around like it makes him so much more important!

Anastasia Euphoria said...

I used to be friends with one of those fuckers. Always flaked out on plans with me to hang out with his much hipper aquatic friends. And he STILL owes me money!

Teresa said...

anyone who carries his house around with him is just fucked up.


this: what'd god expect when he crossed a seashell with a penis? AWESOME! and no kidding, my captcha is "pringer" sounds kinda dirty.

Cherlindrea said...

Ooooh, better watch out. Never know when those Sea Turtles will go all ninja on your ass. They're evil fuckers.

Clint Osterholz said...

I think that turtles always look like old librarians.

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

If I were a sea turtle, I'd totally come up on shore and let take kids for a ride on my shell in the ocean to make up for all of my asshole relatives.

Jason said...

i think he just wants you off of his sea lawn.

HC said...

That is the most angry looking sea turtle I've ever seen...

Brad said...

I would probably be happier if a sea turtle liked me.

sharazad said...

This piece of crap lives in a mobile home and he's looking down his snub nose at me?

Turtle snobs- they're the worst kind.

It's All Good said...

sea turtle... you have ruined my day

nmrboy said...

wft, sea turtle? like there are 'land turtles' and 'air turtles'? no, those are called tortoises and frisbees, respectively. stop being so damn pretentious, and maybe you wouldn't have to be armored all the time. oh, and barnacles were so last century. if i had something living on me i'd shut up about it. dick.

n.

hirakendu said...

;)

Phat Mama said...

Fuckin-A you are hysterical!

electricbetty said...

Sea turtle, is it really necessary to belong to the family of animals that has a retractable head and limbs? I think you need to examine your choices, dude.

Barb said...

Sea turtles are not exactly the sharpest tools in the box. I think this was proven conclusively by the movie FINDING NEMO.

SDG said...

Sea turtles live a really long time...so they are very wise...which explains the condescending look.

I bet he could teach you a thing or two about dodging sharks! lol ;)

narF said...

You see, Turtle...
That pun made my day!

Technogeekboy said...

If he's so smart why does he drag his home around with him? Is that efficient? Maybe it's because he looks ridiculous naked. Dumb ass.

Isonomist said...

Face it, turtle, you are just a glorified amphibious RV with a face.

Kerri Love said...

You know I had one of these pricks tease me while snorkeling in Hawaii, he was all under the water forever, while I had to surface with my inferior lung capacity, I swear I saw him laugh, there were bubbles!

The Girl Next Door said...

See Here, turtle. So you See Turtle? See you are a turtle. Sorry, got carried away. Cracked me up.

loosegrape said...

How dare you assume that holier than thou posture. You, who carried on an affair with that terrestrial despot, Yertle the Turtle.
Q: Do you think we’ve forgotten?
A: No. Fuck you, Sea Turdle.

Janet said...

"Possibly during a deposition" lol

He does look like kind of an ass.

Kelsey said...

that mobile home comment was classic.

Lorrie said...

Tell him to wipe the fucking smirk off his face, or we'll be reading about the soup and handbag you made from his ass.

Lorrie
http://read-n-eat.com/

cermedes said...

why'd you post a pic of joan rivers? i thought this was a blog about animals?

WR said...

OMG,so Finding Nemo was a docudrama?

Insults said...

LOL LOL LOL LOL... LOL?

Gra said...

Grumpy old bastard. It's time he went into the retirement home and his kids divided up his estate.

Fuck You, Fuck You, Penguin said...

The sea turtle replies: http://fyfyp.blogspot.com/2009/05/fyp-doesnt-approve-of-sea-turtles.html

mugsys-moll said...

He reminds me of a Muppet, Sam the Eagle who, now that I think of it, reminds me of a big old sea turtle without his shell.

EDP said...

I never realized what judgmental assholes sea turtles were!

Christ, Jesus H. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christ, Jesus H. said...

I have to admit, the sea turtle is one of my most smug creations.

intothegreatlandblog.com said...

All I see is a big pot of turtle soup. MMMMmmmm... Soup.....

kelseroo said...

The worst part is that he will probably out live all of us. Crap.

badhatharry said...

This was one of the best written posts you have done.

[ J ] said...

Dear Sea Turtle,

We get it, you live a long time. You think you're all cool and wise but you're the oceans equivalent to the old man who yells at kids.

Regards,
Everyone
http://regardseveryone.blogspot.com/

Kathy said...

I had a Spanish teacher in high school who used to look at me just like that when I couldn't conjugate verbs.

Cratey said...

What, you think just because you're an integral part of a theory about infinite regression you can look at me with those damning eyes? You know why it's turtles all the way down, you bastard, and not turtles all the way up? I DIDN'T THINK SO.

Zagadka said...

Don't talk about Honu in that manner. So what if he wishes he had Black Rock Beach all to himself- you'd be pretty pissed, too, if you had to contend with shitty tourists who kept flashing their cheap-ass underwater camera in your face all day. Tourists who can't even manage to float in SALT WATER without pool noodles and walk into the water wearing fins.

Honu is pissed for a reason, that and he lives to be like, 100.

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