Monday, May 11, 2009

Own a piece of history


You prayed for this day from the beginning. You thought it wasn't possible, but you hoped it could happen anyway. You placed your faith in God and the publishing industry. You put your dog on notice.

Well guess what, people? THE MOMENT YOU HAVE DREAMED OF HAS ARRIVED. For the first time ever, a blog is being turned into a book, and that blog is FUCK YOU, PENGUIN. Yes, the project thirty years in the making is finally available for pre-order at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders, and your favorite neighborhood internet book dealer.

DO NOT RIOT IN CELEBRATION. The best way to proceed is to do the following:

1. Click on one of the links.
2. Pre-order the book.
3. Calmly wait for it to arrive on or around August 25th.
4. Organize some sort of religion based around the book, preferably involving purchasing more copies.

How did I come up with such a mind-blowing idea? Well, it wasn't easy. After all, people do not just email you asking to make your blog into a book. But I thought, hold on: blogs are just books but for free. Why not charge people for what they can get for free?!? It's working for newspapers! Plus, I've been pretty disappointed in the reach of the internet recently. I know it's been called the "information superhighway," but recently, it's felt more like the "information cul-de-sac" (please give me credit when you quote that line at parties). Who really goes on the internet anymore anyway? Books, on the other hand, are creeping up the charts like "whoa." OK, I'm just going to say it: books are going to be for the 21st century what books were for the 20th century. Believe that!

I know this seems like a cheap way to cash in on work that should be done for the good of humanity, and trust me, it is. But the book is so much more than that. Full color photos. Physical reproductions of the classics, but MORE THAN A THIRD NEW MATERIAL unavailable anywhere else. Plus, I made it just good enough that scholars will be evaluating its impact for years to come, but not so good as to prevent other people who would write good books from getting too discouraged and giving up on their careers. But at the end of the day, getting the word out about the penguin threat is the most important thing, and that's what this book does. In fact, the surprisingly handsome author of the Illmatic installment in the 33 1/3 series on classic albums called it "The most important book ever."

SO BUY YOUR COPY TODAY. Do not wait, because otherwise you will have to buy it after your friends already have their copies and have developed an entire set of inside jokes based on the mind-blowing revelations contained within. If you act now, I will even throw in a receipt with every order! (Participation may vary.)

49 comments:

Nic said...

That's so cool!

Makuluwo said...

Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

Just in time for my birthday... Although, I won't be able to display it on my coffee table, because then it might lead my relatives to this site, and my comments, and then to my super secret blog. :(

Sherea said...

Kindle!

James Woe said...

my advance copy is full of cum stains...smells like giraffe jizz....what the hell?

Oaktown Girl said...

You forgot to mention that "it also makes a great gift". How could you forget that? That's some pretty weak book pimpin'.

But I'm probably gonna buy the book anyway, and some additional copies for gifts too. Not that you deserve it.

HC said...

You are a genius!

Sarah said...

sooo excited!!

ThomasShaped said...

You're almost as bad as these goddamn penguins.. Charging us for this free shit!






Buuuuuuut I'm still gonna buy your book.

Jezebel said...

Fine. I will buy your book. But I won't be happy about it. It'll just piss me off like this blog does nearly every single day! Damn cute animals!

wombat said...

I wish that I could thank you on behalf of the other writers of the world for your consideration in not making your book too good. But how will we ever compete with that cover?

mickoner said...

you are fucking hilarious.

GreatSheElephant said...

ah - so you're male. Damn. Another bet lost. All credit for some of the fastest blog monetisation I've ever seen though.

Marley said...

Didn't "Stuff White People Like" start out as both a blog and a book long before you got around to what you're doing?

The Brothers said...

Dude. This will be the new book for the back of the toilet. Move over, Everyone Poops! Now the laughter belongs to someone else!

Clint Osterholz said...

Yarrgh I wish they'd let you spell out the full name.

furiousBall said...

this truly is jizz all over yourself type of exciting

Walter said...

Awesome!

jmcc said...

swweeeet!
Oh, and here's the link to pre-order from the real life independent booksellers in your life:
indiebound.orgLink Indie and support both great books and great bookstores!

Taylor said...

Sell out.

Insults said...

That is great news! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

It's All Good said...

Im sorry to inform you, but a blog that two folks have made with 1001 things that their unborn son shouldnt do in his life or some shit liek that is being made into a book....


But your book seems more substantial....

LPC said...

Too bad you missed Father's Day this year...but you should be good for Christmas.

cassaundra said...

YAY!

celebrate good times, baby.

umama said...

Congratulations! Well deserved! I'm sure it will be hysterical!

yarravillewahine said...

I have to say, I'm disappointed. This blog is like a nice secret just amongst us. Something to look forward to. Now everyone will know about it.

And I'm disillusioned with your blatant grab for cash.

However, I did buy the Bad Cat book and laughed myself sick over it...

Dr Zibbs said...

And while you're at it people get a That Blue Yak shirt on my blog.

WR said...

So do seniors get a discount?

(how's that for 'blatant'...)

Oaktown Girl said...

jmcc - thanks for that indie bookstore link!

LPC - Father's Day is not until June. This book missed Mother's Day.

beckyperlman said...

Congratulations! Maybe those ridiculous penguins will finally get the hint!

Insults said...

Can't wait for it to arrive!

Angie said...

This is cool, but I hope the content here stays just as hilarious. After Stuff White People Like went book, things went south.

Feist said...

congrats man, that's deadly!

electricbetty said...

Sa weet! Congratulations, FUP!!! I have pre-ordered a copy of your opus and anxiously await its arrival.

Jap-Floaters said...

the cover is just...perfect. well done, i look forward to reading it XD

EDP said...

Congratulations! Those penguins just got served ... again!

meliss007 said...

WHAT.THE.FUCK. you sold your soul to Random House? for months i was wanting to turn this into a book at MY house. one that makes a little more sense. perhaps the namesake of this site?? SERIOUSLY. when someone first linked me to this blog they said something like, "is this your blog?" and i thought shittt who here has a blog about how much they hate our office?! fuck. not me. and then well, obviously it was quite different.

i'm going to rally for your second book. and i WILL get "fuck" spelled out on the cover. scare the kiddies away from the cute cuddly prick-ish penguin on the cover.

Jess said...

Sweet! I'm getting me a copy :D

but don't forget to continuously update your blog ;)

Fragrant Liar said...

Alright, Author of FU Penguin, you think you're so smart. You think you have the goods to author a book, but you don't really care how it makes me feel, an unpublished author writing real words in paragraphs and chapters. You think exploiting sweet little animals with your muckety muck commentary is a nice way to rake it in? Don't you? Well?

Pshaw.

hirakendu said...

;)

swiffer said...

displaced by the Santa Barbra fires, a baby deer and a baby bobcat snuggle in the county dispatcher's office
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/photo.php?pid=339801&id=1466343365

Hodmandod said...

Gibbon goes into a bar:
"I'll have a pint......................................................and a packet of crisps.
Barman: "Why the long pau(w)s(e)." O dear it doesn't work written out.

Marlene said...

who are you, dude? how have you managed to conquer the deepest recesses of my mind's animal angst?

and now conquering the canons of literature. you are my hero.

darlin_virg said...

I will purchase and I will teach my unborn child to read with this American classic. I think you should rally to get your book as required reading material in the public school curriculum.

Sassmo said...

You realize that you're like 6 months late and you got beat by the likes of Stuff White People Like, I Can Has Cheezburger, Post Secrets, Passive Agressive Notes, and Hot Chicks with Douchebags.

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