Monday, May 18, 2009

Why are you doing this to me?


Yes. Okay? Yes. I want to come sit on the hammock. Are you happy? This whole situation is just awful, ever since I found this photo I've been a complete mess. I've started calling up people in the neighborhood who have hammocks and asking them if they've had any bear visits lately. I hired the CIA to evaluate the photo and figure out what type of trees are in the background so I can figure out what is the most likely location of the hammock. Do you have any idea how much time it takes to recreate a photo in a three dimensional holographic workspace?

Jesus Christ, Bear, not only are you forcing me into this situation, you are making me come up with cutesy fucking headlines like "I thought you said you were going to mow the lawn" and "Sleepy the Bear says only you can prevent afternoon napping." I HAVE A REPUTATION TO UPHOLD, BEAR. Get off the hammock and go eat something with blood in it so I can think about the dichotomy between your cuteness and your insatiable thirst for flesh.

53 comments:

Metz said...

What makes it worse is the tushy hanging there. I just want to pat it! So undignified.

little miss ashleigh said...

I just want to sit down and have the bear read me some stories... and have an afternoon storytime!!!!

Talk With No Thought said...

good lord, we get it.....bears in hammocks=cute. No come snuggle in my snuggie with me.

Dunesdreamer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dunesdreamer said...

Looks like a black bear to me. Likes berries and nuts, so unless you walk up to him or her naked, there probably won't be any blood shed. Or if you are carrying a salmon in your pants.

Makuluwo said...

MISTER SNUGGLYWUGGLY!
So misleading.
Looks like he's asking you to come snuggle with him in the hammock, and then when you do, BAM! CARNIVOROUSBEAREATSYOURFACE.

Mame said...

Someone get him a beer. Hurry!

Katiebabs a.k.a KB said...

Looks like he may brake it at any moment. Would like to snuggle with him before it did.

Still Stacy said...

That is the most disgusting display of cuteness I've ever seen. Fuckin' poser.

Greg said...

Did you ever stop long enough to think that this black bear was taking a much needed break after chopping firewood?

Get that bear a beer!

trulymadlydeeply said...

Why is the parallel of your blog to my life so MIND-BLOWINGLY aligned? I just can't understand. Honestly. I can understand too well. Can you explain this outrageous twist in fate?

tk13 said...

Ma: Honey, get out of that hammock! There's a bear laying next to you?

Pa: What?

Bear: She said...bear.

Clint Osterholz said...

Is it just me or is that bear having a wank?

gregoryyy said...

Hey Bear,I hope you saved your reciept .That is not a Tree Slingshot.You look puzzed so I thought i might pass that onto you.Hate returning things myself,so,list it on Craigslist .okay?

Daddy Blogger said...

Thanks, Goldilocks, for busting up the bear's beds. Now he has to sleep on the hammock! And he's just looking sad because you ATE ALL HIS PORRIDGE! My anger shouldn't be directed toward the bear but at YOU and your selfish behavior. Typical.

HC said...

Haha, that picture is hilarious!

Mister 1-2-3-4 said...

Pokey the bear says, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires... 'cause I sure as hell ain't getting off my duff to stomp out your stupid cigarette butt. Now, get me a Long Island ice tea, dammit!!"

Grubermeister said...

Now that Conan O'Brien has moved to the tonight shown The Masturbating Bear just sits jobless in his hammock all day.

Kathy said...

I laid in the hammock all morning, no one told me there were cameras!

Gaina said...

'LOLBear is in UR Hammock, messin' with UR dichotomies'.

Nic said...

It's thinking, "Come and sit down next to me...so I can EAT YOUR HEAD!!"

Jezebel said...

I can't even handle this, Bear. I have nothing to say to you. I could say some nasty swears and tell you how angry you've made me. You'll listen to me Bear, but you won't be hearing what I'm saying,will you?! Fuck you.

Ashley said...

looks like he's scratching his balls to me

Big Foot said...

hilarious!

malorn said...

Beast is a bigger man than I. Not even a toe touching the ground for balance. I want video of him getting out of that thing.

WR said...

What is it with hammocks and the males of any species? Sometimes amazing truths are found right in front of the camera lense!

Insults said...

I love bears. If deleted still true (I.D.S.T)

Eugenia Borkowski said...

Wow. Seeing your soft exposed underbelly (no pun, intended) is really alarming and quite frankly I am disappointed in you. Next, you're gonna post a picture of a cat hanging from a tree and the heading will say, "Hang in there readers." Control yourself, bears in hammocks are a gateway drug to a detrimental path of rescuing stray animals and bookmarking your homepage to cuteoverload.com. Watch.Your.Step.

Jenny said...

That's just so fucking cute. He's experimenting!

dassin said...

Question: Can a pretty dress hide an ugly bitch?
Answer: NO
take a look at this BITCHdoes this bitch look happy to you? ya shes got her fuckin party hat on alright! well guess what bitch?? i think your party hat is fuckin stupid i dont think pink is your color bitch go back to black the contrast will make you look better you know you dont have to wear that pearl necklace just because its a family heirloom give it back to mom im sure she knows what to do with it

BITCH

for the love of pictures said...

I have never wanted to relax in a hammock more.

hirakendu said...

;)

Cute_Animals_Taste_Better said...

Sitting on someone elses hammock naked is BULLSHIT! I don't care what species you are. Especially if you've never, in your entire life, wiped your ass.(Except that one time with the rabbit)

nltisme said...

It's 4:20 in this hammock y'all...pass the cheap wine!

Secrets said...

This is so freakin' cute!!

g! said...

I feel it important to note that bears are omnivores -- not carnivores -- and they will go to great troubles to climb the outside of one's house, break into the kitchen and eat all of your peaches, leaving sticky paw marks (and peach pits) all over your windows, before they find their way back out the window by which they entered. Fuck you, omnivores. (And do like Dunesdreamer says, take that salmon out of your pants before sitting next to Baloo.)

ttw said...

lawsuit elevated to Class Action.

medicatedlady said...

Do not allow insolent animals to sass you. Sarah Palin can assist you with your search and subsequent removal of this napping beast.

AJ said...

Look at this bear's posture! clearly he has just been masturbating PUBLICLY which last time I checked IS ILLEGAL fuck nonce of a bear if ever I saw one...

AJ
xx

baba yaga said...

lazy cunt

rpark008 said...

no one likes this

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smug clean green(Imeangrey) kiwi said...

Yes yes yes....show him up for the vast contridicting messages his cute 'floppy out limbs exposing big huggy belly' and the 'blood thirsty capabilities he really has' are sending us.

Adri 647 said...

its like a goldylocks part 2: RAAAR! someones been sleeping in my bed...ahmm...hammock!

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