Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Desperate otters turn to cute-based crime in the struggling economy


It's so nice to be walking alone in nature, without a care in the wor- AHH! Why is that thing so pink! DOES IT HAVE EYES?? What do you want? No, just don't hurt me, please. THAT'S ALL THE FISH I HAVE ON ME, I SWEAR. What? Okay, you can have the beer, too, just point that fucking thing somewhere else.

Ugh. I feel so dirty. I don't care how low I get, I'm never waving my baby in an otter's face. But I guess that's what separates us from the animals. We have moral standards. Then again, it's so easy to get a baby otter nowadays, I'm surprised this sort of thing doesn't happen more often. Look, I'm not saying otters shouldn't be allowed to have babies for personal protection in their own homes, but you have to draw the line somewhere, or otters are just going to have babies left and right, and some of them are going to get into the wrong hands. Now I have to go cancel my credit cards and take a shower.

107 comments:

HC said...

Haha, yes that otter is really showing off his pretty baby, but I just love it....

M.J. said...

Pathetic otter, simply pathetic.

WR said...

Another Back-Stage-Mom hopeful. One can only hope that she does not make the little one wear too much make-up and silly costumes just to win contests. I heard she is going to home school it too. F'ing pathetic.

Jezebel said...

Otter, you have sunk to the lowest depths of cuteness. It's disgusting. AND immoral! For shame, Otter, for shame!

tk13 said...

Yeah, take a look at my baby. Cute, isn't it?

Now, if you don't hand over all of your fish, I'm going to break it's neck.

What? Yes, it's my baby. You're in no fucking position to ask questions here, bub? Just give me the fish. I need my fix, now!

PersonalFailure said...

Here- you can have my money, just buy that thing some eyes!

Nicole oh-so Lovely said...

that baby otter is an asshole...

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Insults said...

Give yourself a damn good scrub, you dirty bastard.

trulymadlydeeply said...

"Look, I'm not saying otters shouldn't be allowed to have babies for personal protection in their own homes"
Haha WTF?

Mixtape Anthems said...

This otter clearly has watched "The Lion King" one too many times and has developed a complex.

Dunesdreamer said...

Remember: If baby otters are outlawed, only outlaws will have baby otters.

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// SPM said...

otter.....you make me sick.

Mister 1-2-3-4 said...

Otterly, otterly wrong.

Shawn said...

I might have to punch that otter in the face.

Eric said...

It looks like a baby otter hostage...

The Silver Spring Penguin said...

Shameless.

wombat said...

I tried to get one of these, but I couldn't pass the background check. But sure, an otter can have one any time it wants.

mylittlebecky said...

yeah! stick it to the man, i mean, otter!

nltisme said...

Dammit...I've been double teamed by the cute....oooooohhhhhh you sneaky little fuckers!

jana said...

i am in love with ou, otter... i understand you just had a breaKUp but i just want you in my life if you can deal with it.. i do love you.......

gregory said...

I knew you would be back-otter!!!I knew it.

So,you are bringing your special brand of terror to this side of the pond..

NO,i am not scared of you,(or your vaild threats) i was planning on this trip away anyhow ,and, i ....ah..am leaving a month early.The salmon is in the freezer........

Loreley said...

You had to go an bring an innocent baby into this, didn't you. As much as I'd like to hate on you, otter, I...I just can't do it. Damn you and your ungodly power!

Emily said...

This blog separates the wheat from the chaff in my friendships. I send them a link, and if they say something like, "Erm, that's...strange" then I know what to do. Luckily most of my friends are like, "Yeah! F*cking arrogant Lemurs!"


PS: blogger's security word verification was "tosuragg". Sounds like something Bjork would name her kid. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. But still laughing at her.

Sarra Bess said...

What is it doing, showing off that its hands are nimble enough to hold its baby, too? What's next, tool use? Well, guess what, otter, there's room for only one manually dexterous mammal with oposable thumbs on this planet, and THAT SPOT'S TAKEN. Come back when you have more than giant eyes, sleek fur, and a "take me home with you, I'll curl up on your lap and tell you I love you" expression going for you.

Noel said...

Great cover for Swift's essay, A Modest Proposal....

Z said...

I. WANT. ONE.

William said...

"Modest Proposal" popped right into my head while reading this. Hahaha.

But..."but you have to draw the line somewhere, or otters are just going to have babies left and right"
That does sound a bit like the Irish, no?

loosegrape said...

Lethal cuteness is not funny. Would you laugh if your loved one melted in a puddle on the floor? The otter must be stopped.

badri said...

An otter is a member of Satan's bestiary. True story.

yarravillewahine said...

OMG! An otter doing Steve Irwin/Michael Jackson swing the baby impersonations!

That is CUTE OVERLOAD

David said...

Otter Madness!!! Oh, bugger the NRA!! This is the NOPA (National Otter Pup Assoc) finally gone too far - Have they NO sense of decency?! With their "Outta my cold, dead paws" rallying cry echoing in our ears, otters everywhere are just gonna feel justified in carrying out more & more dangerous hold-ups if they see this type of senseless violence threatened. How long before the next pup goes off unexpectedly & some innocent gets maimed or, god forbid, nuzzled to death?! (Y'know, this one's eyes are closed 'cause it's just about to explode..!) Maybe the Constiution gives us the right to bear arms, but I'm pretty certain there's nothing in there about paws... or pups... Be an up-standing citizen, Otter - put down that weapon & have a Bud, like normal otters...

sharazad said...

That is an illegitimate baby otter. I know, because otters are basically immoral creatures.

One night of wild freaky otter sex and the otter-mom got stuck with this little bastard. Now she's trying to foist him off on some innocent human so she can go party some more- seriously, what is the animal world coming to?

ZombieKitteh said...

OMFG! THAT'S SOOO CUTE!

Slumberland said...

lmao

hirakendu said...

;)

beth said...

I'm terrified.

toast said...

Look at it, foisting its child on the unsuspecting public. DISGUSTING.

Wishing 4 One said...

Ok that otter bitch KNEW i would be readng this and is rubbing her fertility in my face. Thanks bitch just what i needed today! And oh, your baby is so not cute it looks like a albino devil beyoutch!!!

Kimizzy said...

How. Fucking. Cute.

Joseph said...

It's like an otter gypsy. For all we know the otter baby is actually an otter baby doll.

tww said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tww said...

The otter's all, "Don't make me use this! I don't want to hurt you, Man, but I'll do it, I SWEAR!!" And...does anyone else have the unholy desire to squish the baby like a squeeky toy?? *squee-EEE! squee-EEE!* (Maybe I shouldn't have shared that.)

Kerri Love said...

smuggle him into Canada? I don't know otter, I don't think I want to get involved in baby smuggling, I know we have free healthcare but don't you think he'd be better off with his family and not some stranger...

alright, alright, I promise I'll love him like he was my own pup but what do I do when he starts asking questions like "why don't we look alike?" and "we're not even the same species are we?"... what will I do when he leaves me to go looking for you and breaks my heart?

At least tell me you name so I can tell him who his mom was when he gets older ok?

christina marie said...

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gra_factor said...

What I want to know is where's the father? Probably knocking up some other otter in the next street.

Wendy_P_in_NJ said...

OH!

MY!

GAH!!!!

My lower jaw is now lying on the floor, no longer connected to my skull, because of that damned otter and her freakin' baby!

What's worse, that means I can't EAT that little pink baby now!

Dominic said...

Did you know that the following pic of this shows that same otter EATING THE HEAD off the little one? I suppose it was trying to make amends for its grave error

Nicci said...

This is hilarious. linking you RIGHT now. wa hahaha

yutjangsah said...

OMG so cute. dying inside.

Your Daily Cute said...

That is just the cutest little thing... so pink. I'd wave my baby otter around for sure if he was that adorable!

Wandering Naturalist said...

They are really cute, but guess what? River otters have a sinister side! Did you know that in the Marin Headlands, they take down pelicans? I couldn't make this stuff up! Otters attack, drown, and eat pelicans. Google it, Baby.

heleen db said...

haha I don't know what made me more laugh - the post itself or all the comments.
LOVE THIS.

Michelle said...

hahahahahaa

ahahahaha

nasim said...

If you have some time today,the posts over at Fuck You,Penguin are very much worth reading. Puts all those cute animals in their place!
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khan said...

I feel justified in carrying out more & more dangerous hold-ups if they see this type of senseless violence threatened. How long before the next pup goes off unexpectedly & some innocent gets maimed or, god forbid, nuzzled to death.
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ahmed said...

I'm not saying otters shouldn't be allowed to have babies for personal protection in their own homes you r not fucking position.
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anna said...

Baby rhino, face it, you're a fucking cartoon. A living, breathing, fucking cartoon come to life. So start talking funny, get yourself some kind of a goofy ass bird sidekick and aim for Saturday mornings where you belong. Don't come back here till you get it right!
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ashiq said...

All of those animals? Each and every one of them? In my pants at this very moment...
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anna said...

It was a good blog. That is all they need to know. Knowing it is a database error means nothing and adds nothing to their understanding.
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Amanda said...

Otters run the world in 2015! Don't say I didn't warn you! piano instrumentals

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Nasim said...

esperate otters turn to cute-based crime in the struggling economy · Moose are the biggest dorks ever · No one wants to hang out with eels ...
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dubaiexperies said...

It's so nice to be walking alone in nature, without a care in the wor- AH
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otterdad48 said...

I have worked as a wildlife rehabilitation volunteer for several years and was given the nickname otterdad because of my work with river otters. A good sister of mine sent me this photo a while back and I have used it ever since as wall paper and as part of my signature. Otters rule!

nesar said...

I don't care how low I get, I'm never waving my baby in an otter's face. But I guess that's what separates us from the animals. We have moral standards. Then again, it's so easy to get a baby otter nowadays
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Juliette Morgan said...

There's nothing much wrong with otters...don't knock them!!

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Jamie said...

Very very funny!! Good on the otter..






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Joanne said...

I love otters - they are so cute, why make so much fun of them?

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rustyoneill said...

Yo man! what the hell do you think this is? the lion king? You ain't no Mufasa, dat ain't no damn Simba. Getcho big... I just can't wait to be king... ass outa here. Your son probably won't be king, but he sure looks like a queen and by that I mean he's gay. Yup... just face the facts now and deal with it because it's not that big of a deal anymore. Look around otter, your archaic notions of right and wrong are holding you and your "kin-g" back. So stop frontin' and get wit it, or you might just have the ass beating of your life because you're going to slip up and offend someone who's going to be just as intollerant of someone like you as you are intollerant of homosexuals.

khan22 said...

I'm surprised this sort of thing doesn't happen more often. Look, I'm not saying otters shouldn't be allowed to have babies for personal protection in their own homes
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I'm not saying otters shouldn't be allowed to have babies for personal protection in their own homes
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I'm surprised this sort of thing doesn't happen more often. Look, I'm not saying otters shouldn't be allowed to have babies for personal protection in their own homes
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rose said...

This otter clearly has watched "The Lion King" one too many times and has developed a complex.
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