Friday, June 5, 2009

I don't know what the fuck this is but I don't like it


A reader came across this Unidentified Furry Object in Peru, and I thought maybe there was someone out there who could call out this fucker by name.

Why is it standing on a bench? Why is it drinking from a mug? WHY ARE ITS WHISKERS SO LONG BUT ITS TAIL SO SHORT?

If you can identify this animal and answer all of these questions, you and a guest will fly all expenses paid to Peru to have a beer with the animal and see what develops. (Offer void where you live.)

114 comments:

Athena. said...

I felt myself die a little bit on the inside.

bessest said...

Mountain paca. Nasty fucker.

jeadly said...

1. He's tired.
2. He's thirsty.
3. Pull whiskers, shorten tail.

Pat said...

It's one of the Rodents of Unusual Size from the Fire Swamp. I'm, like, 70% sure. Okay... 50% sure.

clubwah said...

It could be a very lost Tasmanian devil.

pbsweetheart said...

It looks like an otter.

M.J. said...

You know guinea pigs are food in Peru. There are like millions of them running around in rural parts of the country. They fry them whole, so you end up with a crispy rodent, nails and teeth and all, staring at you from your plate. I tried it...too many bones for me.

Christopher said...

It's the Chupacabra! He just wanted some water, and some paparazzi fuckwad took his picture.. shamless fucks.

Jezebel said...

Whatever it is, it is so fucking cute that I may just kill myself. It's drinking out of a cup! What the hell is that crap?

sharazad said...

Isn't that Danny DeVito?

Melissa said...

NUTRIA, maybe!

kalliesz said...

I think he's a pacarana ("terrible rat"). See http://www.newquayzoo.org.uk/conservation/overseas-projects.htm for further horror.

tea_please said...

OMG, the first photo was okay but I made the mistake of clicking on the link:

I just peed my pants. Thanks a lot. I'm a work, sitting in a puddle now.

You should've warned us on that, dude.

trulymadlydeeply said...

Seriously. WTF is that?

Mademoiselle Vera said...

That's a rat on a miniature bench, with a miniature mug.

TICKETS TO PERU PLEASE

Mixtape Anthems said...

I sort of just want to know, WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS? It's like he thinks he has opposable thumbs, or something. Stick to what you know, mystery rodent.

Rebecca Wilson said...

I don't think it is a nutria, they have super long rat tails (because they are rats). But possibly it is a cuy, a Peruvian guinea pig, which are roasted whole and eaten. Which I think is even more barbarous than those whiskers.

Kevin said...

My god - you found my long lost nephew. How can I repay you?

Seth said...

Ok, do you know the photographer, because I am missing a cup?

Abbie Road said...

pfft that's no danny devito that's my ex boyfriend.. THAT SNEAKY LITTLE RAT!!!!!!

HC said...

Haha, very cute!

Dr. Jay SW said...

good god, it's a fucking chupacabra...stay away from it!

Rob V said...

It is most certainly a pacarana (Dinomys branickii)visit http://www.arkive.org/pacarana/dinomys-branickii/ to see it in all its glory

Michelle said...

That is the ugliest damn guinea pig I have ever seen. I would fry it and eat it too.

Dani said...

Is anyone else worried by the red blood-ish looking liquid all around it on the bench, or is that just me? Whatever it is, keep a distance.

Angelka said...

I think it may be this guy (he gets around):
http://www.hulu.com/watch/12319/ice-age-nut-in-the-rain

Steph said...

I wouldn't go to Peru if you paid me. Those little ankle biters are FREAKY looking.

Birdie! said...

Definitely ROUS'ses

William Owen said...

And thos there did I behold a pale horse, and he that rode upon him was that thing, and its name was death.

Wishing 4 One said...

holy sh*t. that f-er is terrible. i clicked the pic and got another taste of that little rat bastard, good god help me. he should be shot. and wtf he's drinking out of a cup, please kill me now.

kefuoe said...

Similar to those mentioned above. Watch out though!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_agouti
“When feeding, agoutis sit on their hind legs and hold food between their forepaws.”
“They are regarded as the only species that can open Brazil nuts without tools, mainly thanks to their strength and exceptionally sharp teeth.”

ligschmig said...

I Googled pacarana and that's not what it is al all. http://www.symbolicsound.com/cgi-bin/bin/view/Products/Pacarana

Gaina said...

Ha! Did that little bastard actually think he could get away with being criminally cute and not get named? He didn't recon on me having photoshop and google at my disposal, oh no.

Well after upping the exposure a little I think we're dealing with an Agouti, very probably 'Agouti taczanowskii'.

'Fluffy, spotten Peruvian Asshole' more like.

Bill said...

Gay Penguins raising chick: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31123391/

Mae West said...

is he a capybara?

Beckett said...

...he's standing on a bench drinking out of a cup...he looks so casual about it.

...ahh...

I can't fucking handle this.

John said...

kalliesz is correct. It is a pacarana. A smart and dexterous one at that! Peruvians are in big trouble here

Amanda said...

Capybaras. It's the largest rodent in South America. Disgusting. They're all over the streets of Buenos Aires.

Mister 1-2-3-4 said...

This little bastard totally reminds me of "The Doubtful Guest" by Edward Gorey. Careful he doesn't move in with you and start hiding all your bath towels.

Sarah said...

it looks very much like a chinchilla. check out the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinchilla

Jeff Wilk said...

I think that sucker is some CGI test character for an upcoming sequel to Iron Man.

stainedsugar said...

TOTES a pacarana:

http://www.arkive.org/media/7F/7FCBFEDD-D915-4D0B-823E-A1B2949FF72D/Presentation.Large/photo.jpg

Feast your eyes on THAT.

AJ said...

I blame this motherfucker for the hole in the ozone layer

Dunesdreamer said...

Not Iron Man, Jeff...that's Wolverine BEFORE he has his first cup of morning coffee...

Eric said...

Rodents drinking beer... Next thing you know, they'll be talking on a cell phone and driving.

Mike said...

It looks like an agouti. They sit on their hind legs and hold their food between their front paws, so drinking from a cup like that is within spec. Agouti tails tend to be short.

The Mouse said...

What a frat boy. I can't take it. Some of us don't want to relive those college years, dude.

SDG said...

That thing is awesome! I want to take it to a strip club!

Technogeekboy said...

It's a Peruvian Fuck Rat.

The only frog with his own blog said...

pretty sure its a Llama

J.M. Ferretti said...

This is how it starts - first they drink from cups, next thing you know the little fuckers are building A-bombs in their burrow (or wherever these little shits live)...

William said...

Looks like a vile little bastard.

doktah9000 said...

I'm going to catch it, then bum it. Dry. It will know pain, oh yes it will know pain.

WHT said...

Its a gerbil wearing a hairshirt.

merdegars said...

It's Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

Laura said...

Its a baby Pacarana probably.

Catherine said...

Looks like a puffin to me.

sappororoll said...

when we're gone, smart rodents can take over.

Nathalie said...

Could it be a northern Vizcacha perhaps?

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Northern_vizcacha2.jpg

Stephanie Wagner said...

I'll never drink from a mug again, fuck him and his small tail!

sydneyjth said...

To the tune of Macarena...

Come and find me, my name is PACARANA.
Always at the party con las chicas que son buena.
Hey PACARANA! Ay!

Dirty little paws on something that clearly does not belong to him. Who does he think he is fooling with that cute "i am just finishing my meeelk" look? gross.

kaef said...

It's a Woodchuck. How may chucks would a fucking Woodchuck fuck, if a Woodchuck could fuck chucks?

Helen said...

He's on the list of the Top Eleven Most Wanted Rodents: I've seen his picture before.
http://media-2.web.britannica.com/eb-media/03/24103-004-955EBE73.jpg

WR said...

I hope some twit in Peru doesn't give it a passport! Life here is already too complicated to share it with a rat relative who has boundary issues. I for one draw the line at sharing the car!

Lizzibella said...

ROUS

mike said...

This shit is too funny!

Kevin P. Groark said...

I think this is a baby lowland paca... Tasty!

liquid paper said...

oh you silly twat-

her tail is short because
10 years ago her (ex) boyfriend chopped it
machete style
whilst humming van morrison jamz.

"all the niiiiggghhhttttsssss magic"
AND CHOP.

like
men :::ahemcoughboys:::
tend
to
he didn't feel he'd inflicted enough damage,

so he punched her in the ovaries.

THEN
fate said:
o inbred squirrel. as if you ain't been through enough ish already. lets jack all your estrogen and load you up with what dem emos got. make you a prone to dark eyeliner and gun for insomnia. YEA, that's right. develop moon facies, christmas tree-like spotting.

you'll be one ugly squirrel.

and even less cute/more obnoxious animals will ignore you.

no wonder she's an alcoholic.
and can you blame her??

(word)

K said...

http://www.k9assistance.co.uk/uploaded_images/DSC02223-709619.JPG

Look at how big it gets.

hirakendu said...

;)

Aunty Christ said...

It's a Peruvian pygmy ground squirrel. That bench has been in his family for generations. His bisabuelo made the bench to commemorate the birth of his first-born son. Simply put: Standing on a bench is in his blood. The squirrel is also an alcoholic. His wife knows this, and threw out all the alcohol in the house in a fit of rage. But this crafty guy found a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a bottle of cough syrup and mixed the two in a ceramic mug so no one would see what he was drinking. As to the hairstyle: Party in the front, business in the rear. That's how squirrels roll, eso.

Also, the squirrel is clearly an asshole. I don't know if I made that clear or not.

I haven't really lived for ages. God, I hope I win.

Sethjj1975 said...

I think it must still be imaginary animal week, cuz I refuse to believe in that wretched creature. Fuck that.

Nancy Toby said...

Obviously in jail. And using a plastic cup because they just turn any metal object they can get their paws on into a shiv.

liquid paper said...

damnit. nancy wins.

genius

nltisme said...

What the hell is it y'all...for real....this is driving me nuts!

Missy said...

It's probably a gibnut, also know as paca or "halay" in Mopan Maya. I ate it when I lived in Belize. So did the Queen of England, apparently, when she visited Belize.

Love your blog!!! Only wish it didn't require s Net Nanny intercepts to get to it each time.

bestiarumvocabulum said...

This is freaking brilliant. The sould quakes a bit at the cuteness.

bestiarumvocabulum said...

*soul* damn.

Sunshinemeg said...

This is the most hilarious blog I have ever seen.

Leaf said...

It looks like a cross between a spotted quoll and a tasmanian devil that got very confused.

toast said...

what's it swigging, I wonder?

feathermar said...

Isn't he the mentor of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Who stole his freaking robe?

umama said...

I love it!

Jennifer Worick said...

I think that was my date from last week. Actually, this fucker has one-up on the 8th dwarf of a date because he looks to have a sweet tail.

Barb said...

I DONT KNOW, JUST DONT DRINK THAT SHEEET, LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO!!!!!!

teacher X said...

Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't believe they exist!

Nick Munro said...

He loves gatorade and a glassy eyed sugar rush. Check out a video of him in action:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gringoesloco/3380949650/in/set-72157615698755133/

or here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/gringoesloco/3380128013/in/set-72157615698755133/

Leigh-Ann said...

Guinea pigs don't have tails, you idiots.

Feisty said...

Sneaky bastards too...

"Don’t expect him to reveal a lot about himself though! The Pacarana is a very secretive animal. No one was even aware of its existence until 1873."

Insults said...

I've got one up my arse as I type.

Michael said...

"(offer void where you live)"

fucking hilarious :)

Bolshevik said...

I believe that's Jeff.

pdcole said...

what if i post this where i work, and not where i live, will the offer to identify the thing still apply?

Pema said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcxKIJTb3Hg


Warning...these scenes contain material of a graphic nature, don't look if you have a weak stomach or mind.

Sabrina said...

what's up with the person sitting next to IT?! why doesn't s/he DO something about the situation; like, at least take the fucking cup away from IT!! jeeeeeze.

gardenqueen said...

I have been to Peru. I have eaten guinea pig and that's not one of them. Oh, and you also don't really want their beer either.

Bosanova Bill said...

Awww.

girl6 said...

This fucker makes me wish I'd voted Republican. You can totally tell he hates America:

http://www.k9assistance.co.uk/uploaded_images/DSC02223-709619.JPG

WTF?! Go be cute somewhere else!

loserjd said...

He hates America AND the troops. I can see it in his filthy, beedy eyes.

Word Verification- 'restican'. As in, restican't until this image is gone from mine eyes

Sarah said...

Cute? Oh sure it is. But what's most distressing is that it seems to have thumbs, Focker... Which means that the Tweeting can't be far beind the drinking. FROM A CUP.

iangoole said...

Don't know what it is but I wouldn't wanna fuck with anything can chug a jug that size....

battatter said...

it is a paca

Jonnietsunami said...

Looks like one of Bin Laden's offspring

Jonnietsunami said...

Looks like one of Bin Laden's chidren

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Sheri said...

looks like a quoll I saw in the outback of australia

Obsidian Kitten said...

Beware the jabberwock, my friends.

Leslie said...

Didn't Paddington Bear come from darkest Peru?

irish_dryad said...

Look, It's a Pacarana, Dinomys branickii. I'm a biologist and am completely right in this. I don't care what everyone else says. It's a Pacarana. Thank you.

by Caroline Yezer said...

Its a Borugo, the world's largest rodent. Its a herbivore, and pretty passive/slow much like a 3 toed sloth. In peru they call it a jungle pig. You can see it in zoos there, but it is also eaten. It gets to the size of a small pig. It is cooked in stews, much like cuy (guineapig), but more in the high jungle (Amazon) than in the sierra itself. It goes by lots of other names though, depending on which indigenous language you are using...
BORUGO- LAPA - GUAGUA or PACA

http://travel.mongabay.com/colombia/images/co06-1292.html

http://www.pluralismundus.com/index.html?target=p_92.html&lang=fr

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