Friday, June 12, 2009

It's marriage time, bitches!


You don't ever expect to find yourself in this position, but after years of playing the field, I've finally met someone. Her name is Audrey, we complete each other, and she may or may not be a puppy.

Things are going to be quiet around here for the next two weeks while we convince our families that this is the best thing for us and we go on a honeymoon in France, where they are more welcoming of puppies in dining establishments and our general lifestyle. I will be back on June 29th SO DO NOT FUCK MY SHIT UP WHILE I AM GONE. Stay off the furniture, no speciesist slurs in the comments section, and for crying out loud stop looking at pictures of cute animals on other sites. It will only make you hate yourself when it is all over. The Fake Institute found that people who do not look at pictures of cute animals on the internet have a better relationship with their pets, except for people who read FUP!!! So cut that shit out. If you miss me, buy a copy of my book. If you don't miss me, buy a copy of my book to atone.

To direct your mob-like energy towards something constructive, I am opening up the comments section for an informal poll on what everyone's favorite post has been. Remember, there is no wrong answer, as every post here has been equally incredible.

I have a good feeling about this summer. Big things are going to happen, people. Very big things.

137 comments:

geekbride said...

Have a KICKASS vacation! I have already purchased two copies of your book so SUCK ON THAT, BITCHES!!!

Johnny Virgil said...

I have to admit, the Tibetian Fox and the Axolotl were my two favorites since I started reading this. I even linked to you, which is pretty rare for me, because my blog is awesome. Or so they tell me. Still no book deal though, so what do they know.

Also, I'm really lazy.

oto said...

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/galleries/whos_the_cutest_in_the_animal_kingdom/whos_the_cutest_in_the_animal_kingdom.html#ph0

Becky said...

I believe I was an FUP virgin until http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/01/are-you-fucking-kidding-me-tamarin.html

it's not been the same and I feel so dirty....:)

tea_please said...

I'm going on hols at the same time, huh.

Wait. Are you following me with that hussy? Cos I don't get off on that Natural Born Killers stuff.

Wings said...

Congrats & best wishes!

ck said...

http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/02/crossbreed-kittens-are-genetically.html

"THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY YOU KNOW JAPANESE, KITTEN, IT'S A REALLY HARD LANGUAGE TO LEARN."

Brilliant.

HC said...

What a cute doggy. Congats and great holiday!

clare.c.mcintyre said...

hands down - the reindeer post

Kathleen said...

Gotta be the stingray

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

I think the unicorn is still my favorite.

And I hope you and your bitch have an amazing honeymoon.

Poverbaugh said...

I personally almost peed my pants when i read the one about conceited meerkats and their love of directing. The Stingray was also pretty awesome.

mustangboy said...

Favorite post has got to be sting rays. I mean seriously, sting is in their name, who are they kidding!

umama said...

Congrats!!! and there is a hopeless romantic in you after all!

Kathleen Coy said...

The baby quail next to the ruler is my all time favorite!!!

Bearclaw Coffee - Britton, MI said...

http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/01/this-bunny-wants-to-ambush-your.html
**A teaching moment on Fuck You, Penguin.**

Bunny, what the hell do you think you are doing? Those people out there are just trying have a nice walk in the woods, and here you are waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on them and tear their insides out, hop by excruciating hop. STOP TRYING TO CAUSE A SPONTANEOUSLY CUTE INCIDENT. Did you think I wouldn't see you? Did you think you could just go around, hiding in the dark corners of the world, working to undermine everything that holds civilized society together? You disgust me, Bunny.

LESSON: Never walk through a garden or a jungle without being aware of the distinct possibility that there could be some ridiculously cute asshole bunny crouched in the shadows, ready to pounce and violate your sacred sense of decency.

K said...

I really loved the Stingray and the Axolotl. Brilliant.

The Van Goat Ranch said...

Come on! You know it's the donkey! That is the funniest damn thing I've ever read! I still need CPR when I read that! " STart knockin boots, donkey!!!" Happy Vacation!

Wishing 4 One said...

Pissing in my pants every time i come to this blog. I cannot pick a favorite but what has really made me pee extra hard is:

1. Furry fuck from Peru
2. Reindeer
3. Cross bred kitten
4. porcupine fish

Will miss u have fun in paris and maybe you will some new parisian bastards to feature when u get back. congrats and keep it real and oh yeah Fuck a Penguin

Becks said...

EGOTISTICAL DEER... thank god i hardly ever see any in France... have a great honeymoon!

Madeline Aspen said...

"No." BestPostEver.

Ken Hefferson said...

moose are the biggest dorks ever

Chihuahuagirl said...

My fav was "This jerk refuses to be my friend" - 1/23/09. Congrats on the marriage and honeymoon. Bring your SHIT back safely. We'll all waiting for our next fix!

gregory said...

What? That's like a few weeks!!!??Well,guess the Cat is gonna catch hell this week.

*** A TIE *****

1/Mailbag Otter
2/That 'Goth' hipster jerk

Brendan K said...

"An Inside Look at the John Wayne Gacey of the New Millenium."

Top-notch.

Cait said...

The Prarie Dog, Moose, and Axolotl posts have been my favorite.

The only frog with his own blog said...

I quite enjoyed the Crane Haiku..

Would love to see one on a Frog. So hop to it.

Yea I said that cheesy pun, what of it? Don't talk smack or I'll cut you. ... ribbit

mitt said...

congrats on the wedding - human or canine.

i'm partial to the caracal.

Mathew said...

Dear fuckyoupenguin writer guy,

You are not special. I know that you are now a published author who thinks that in light of such success you should be allowed happiness. Happiness - cool. Marriage even - cool. Two weeks off - not cool. What are we, your supportive readers supposed to do? Just hang out with cute otters in mail bags? Try not to look at the albino wallaby's nards? I feel deserted. Fuck you fuckyoupenguin writer guy. Fuck you. (And yes - I didn't capitalize your name - because verbs and nouns - not. a. name.)

ps - congrats! wish you all the best!

joanie said...

Tibetan Fox

Mary Sue said...

My favorite are Emo Cow and Tamarin.

Thanks!

Alex Streczyn-Woods said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
inannamouse said...

They're all good, but my two favorites are Rare animals can be a real drag and Tasmanian devils misrepresent themselves.

alex said...

The monkey and dove. Best line ever. "Fuck you, Monkey, for hoarding the technology."

steelygumby said...

The silky fucking hen.

sharazad said...

My favorite post either the one about the psychopathic bunny: http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/01/this-bunny-wants-to-ambush-your.html

and those South Korean puppies: http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/02/south-korea-real-korean-threat-to.html

(shudder) Furry little monsters.But the cute penguins have an agenda. Funny, I just did a penguin post on my own blog- you'd think I'd be all penguined out.
But I can never get enough penguin bashing.

foxy said...

OF COURSE the axolotl... what an asshole he is! And the Eel was pretty freaking smug too.

Carly aka iCarly aka LadyDonatella 'IDoNails' said...

JADED HIPSTER OWL = CLASSIC.

Mad Gypsy said...

my favorite is the seahorse. That cocky bastard thinks he can get away with having a horses head.

"I even said 'Who needs the ocean when you have horses?' and I lived my life like that meant something."

lmao

hirakendu said...

;)

WordsMeanBusiness said...

Oh, the whale. Definitely the whale. Something about mocking someone over their "busy-ass schedule" that just cracks me up, even after the 1,000th read.

Rhayne said...

baby flamingo and the baudet de poitou. i'm sure my laughter at both of those woke the neighbors :o)

beckyperlman said...

Oh,the "Baby Flying Squirrels: a mini 9/11 in your hand" was flippin' GOLD. (Flying squirrel, you *are* a fucking disaster!)

Also love the dormouse, the albino wallaby, the baby flamingo. . . ooh, and the viscacha. But most of all: the dik-dik (one evil fucker).

amanda13189 said...

i love you.
DON'T LEAVE ME!

Toni said...

I'm going with "No."
With "Um...I can see you" and "What is even going on here?" running a close second and third....

K @ ourboxofrain said...

Silky fucking hen. Definitely. I think of it at random moments and giggle a little.

vindhya said...

What is even going on here, hands down! Have a wonderful vacay.

8scribbledlines said...

The caracal and the crane haiku get me every time.

J said...

Fuck you penguin!!!!

Lemuuuu is a shitty name.

Crosby isn't black like Bill (Cosby) and isn't cool like the Crow.

Marmot (some loser dude with an M name) isn't good either.

Pittsburgh is nothing but a town full of gay steel mills. How dare they beat Detwat? The town that Obama keeps giving freebies to. Detroit should get games 8,9,10...as many as it takes to win. It's BAILOUT time!!!

WR said...

I think I speak for at least myself when I say 'we all support mixed marriages". Have a good vacation. We'll go to therapy and deal with abandonment until you get back...

Be ready to be hilarious as soon a you return to your blog...no pressure though

GL said...

Emo Cow / Tibetan Fox / Kenny G / Quail had me laughing forever.

oh and the fat fuck that needs a carrot.

Lyndy said...

"Just Say No To Kangaroos". I still laugh.

Uncle Erk said...

http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/01/this-jerk-refuses-to-be-my-friend.html
ftw!

Angie said...

I cracked up at the sea turtle ("I don't approve of you either!"), and A message from the partnership for drug free marsupials. Classic!

Heather Cherry said...

Congratulations.

I absolutely adored the porcupine waiting for a knitted trampoline and the armadillo in a bucket. Oh, and the oversized leg department baby flamingo. Also the disapproving turtle.

So what? I have a lot of favorites.

trequartista said...

the sea turtle and the monkey/dove were pretty classic, but omg the snake/hamster just makes me lose my shit every time i read it again-- "now it's stuck in the friend zone" hahaha. also, honorable mention to this jerk refuses to be my friend and the swan.

Catherine said...

My favorite was the Iguana: "Were you on my shoes when I was eight??"

Have a great vacation!

Orso said...

I love the two panda one
AhhhhhhhhSZGKJNRSFSGHRTDBH;GFD

and Reindeer Act Like They Don't Know.

Have a good vacation with your lovely lady.

Vivian said...

Jaded hipster owls was my fave

La said...

Of course you're only attracted to bitches. You stupid, stupid man.

Congrats (pfft)

Grudgingly, my favs:

http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/01/this-bunny-wants-to-ambush-your.html
http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/02/crossbreed-kittens-are-genetically.html

yarravillewahine said...

Well, congratulations on your marriage. Hope you don't mind fleas!

My favourites are "Someone get this Fat Fuck a Carrot", and "Reindeer act like they don't know" That last one nearly had me spoil myself in public. And just the title "NO" fr the axolotl one made me LOL.

Said it before, FUP, YOU ROCK MY WORLD!

Gattina said...

the silky hen, oh god i hAVE to go back and look at it again now. actual genius.

ps if you are actually coming to france, get your camera cos there's serious animal crime over here.

Insults said...

Holiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Suck my holiday.

marcela said...

I check several times and get annoyed when I don't see any new posts. My favorites? gotta be the lemur, the silky hen and the baby elephant.

JohnFrost said...

The Platypus, hands down. "the fabric of space and time will literally tear apart" had me literally crying!

http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2008/12/platypus-ultimate-buzz-kill.html

nltisme said...

Congrats on the supposedly legit nuptials!

Casey said...

Tibetan fox: Have you ever seen such a holier-than-thou fucking look on a non-dolphin before?
Pure fucking brilliance.

Beff said...

"ARMS SOUND MUCH BETTER NOW, DON'T THEY EEL"

It's personal.

Claire said...

The one with the pandas in the snow at christmas. And the Axolotl was great too. Have fun on holidays !

Aeroentropy said...

Mailbag otter was my fave, so far...

The Paper Lion said...

Has anyone addressed the look that puppy is giving me? It's furrowed brow screaming disappointment at me is exactly what I did NOT need on my Monday morning. No form of petting or squeezing will help me through this so basically I am sitting here a shell of my former self. Thanks puppy! Real nice of you to leave me like this just days before your honeymoon. I won't forget this.

Emily said...

the director meerkat!

That girl said...

oh there are so many priceless entries. I could never pick just one. I did come across a ridiculous creature you will loath for sure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJnn-wMPU9w

gra_factor said...

I don't care what anyone says, that puppy is a dead ringer for Sean Connery.

happy medium said...

there are too many.
-jaded hipster owls
-Tibetan Fox
-Secretary Bird (that shit was spot on)
-Axolotls
-Iguanas
-Tamarin
-Egotistical deer
-Eels

i feel a satisfactory answer would be all of them.

Congrats and have a wonderful holiday!!

charissimo said...

One word: MOOSE.

Casey said...

1. Axolotl
2. Secretary Bird
3. Baby flamingo
4. Tamarin

moonshadows said...

Whale! I love the whale. Especially since I have been on 3 whalewatches, and only seen 3 piles of garbage and a basking shark.

Fiona said...

Definitely Caracal and Eel

wouldn't you like to know said...

Tie between Silky Hen and Lamb. "IT'S JUST THE SUN, LAMB. ANYONE CAN LIE IN IT."

IAMTHEANGELNEGRO said...

A M A Z I N G ! ! !

mlaiuppa said...

Let me guess.

Her dowry is in a plastic baggie?

I hope the two of you will be very happy. Well, she will be. You will regress into your normal operating mode.

Can't decide on a favorite. The next post I guess.

Cade said...

Happy Vacation. Good luck on your nuptials and hands down the funniest is the seahorse. Fell off the bed crying.

Caroline said...

ha wow!

Victory Bird said...

I hate cute furry animals so much, that I believe this is actually my favorite post of yours. Congratulations! Come back soon to give us more!

Tracy said...

The best post ever was the Axolotl titled "No." http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/03/no.html

So funny.

T

frostbirches said...

Don't let any cute fuckers "ambush your sensibilities" while vacationing... this one is still my favorite: http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/01/this-bunny-wants-to-ambush-your.html

Yolanda said...

I love the silky hen who's "coming to steal your dreams"

Jessica said...

I'm torn between Lexington the curtain-chewer, the blue-footed sleaze, the unicorn, and Fuck You, Bigfoot.

But really, every part of Fuck You, Penguin, is magnificent and special, like a blog full of potty-mouthed snowflakes.

kkgirlreporter said...

The bintarong was the best by far. It was a perfect example of the horror that lies beneath the cuddly exterior of the creatures outed on this site.

The highland cow was also excellent.
Carry on, FYP.

Loreley said...

Congrats and have great vacation!

As for favourites, it's a toss-up between the Axolotl(Best.Title.Ever) and the Tibetan Fox (easily the douchebaggiest of all douchebaggy animals out there).

rmyasin said...

Congratulations on marriagedom. I wish you both the best.

My favorite was definitely the "Do you believe this preemptive little fucker?" My brother showed it to me and I've been hooked to FUP every since.

Eva G. said...

Oh my, so many. You're right they're all amazing, but I loved Cow, Bear in hammock, jaded hipster owl, ego deer...and the rest of them :)

Congrats, though that bitch looks kinda' high maintenance. She'll probably leave you for the next best thing, like a Frisbee or chew toy.

ahblabla said...

congratulations on your nuptials from Singapore man =)

love your blog and quirky takes.

WR said...

Okay - thought it over. Ostrich with the line "YOU HAVE NO EDGE, OSTRICH, STICK TO THE MIDDLING DRAMAS ABOUT MENTORS AND SADNESS." Followed by Platypus - can still hear the sound of time ripping. Many GREAT posts. Which reminds me _ Is it two weeks yet?

laughingwolf said...

must be puppy season... i just brought my sheltie pup home yesterday

have a great time with yours :)

L said...

Oh, how to choose! The eels, the seahorse the kitten who claims to know Japanese, lemurs... They are all f*cking fantastic.

Bets said...

LUCKY! cafe, lovely countryside. my daughter picked the perfect time for her nups. she won't miss you. righteous.

Arie said...

I don't mean to be a whiny bitch, but I miss you (insert sad face here).

I have only recently become addicted to your cause and believe strongly, like so many others here, that cute animanls need to recognize what's what, and that you are clearly just the man for the job.

I dare anyone to deny their guffaw: http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-is-even-going-on-here.html

Alex said...

The Rotweiller, And make sure if your dog down the street comes by again, to tell him not to drag his but across the f'ng floor again...

Regina said...

Caracals baby, Caracals! Congrats on your nuptials, bitches!!

http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/05/caracals-just-have-to-be-different.html

Last of the Fauxicans said...

Log a vote for the meerkat and its use of negative space.

Ludicrousity said...

You're so weird!
I love it :)

Bald Outing said...

awww he's so cute!

feral pig said...

I'm just glad you finally knocked the bitch up and are man enough to do the right thing. Your insecurities have controlled your life for too long and now it's time to come out and show the world that being cute isn't enough, even for anonymous, shite blogging marsupials like you. I'm sure your fathers are proud on this day.
You haven't yet posted the pictures I sent of the bunny rabbit in the soup bowl so I am still waiting to have good enough reason to annoint you the New King. I sense that you are not far off though and, so, I stay tuned.
With any luck, your bitch will have more balls than you and say what needs to be said.

I heart FUP.

donkeyinawhitecoat said...

this is f-ing ridiculous. There are animals out there...flaunting themselves all over God's creation, pretending like they own the place...and you're off galavanting and having marital relations. I don't care for it. Come back.

Rosie S said...

Axolotl, no question

Michelle said...

3 things:

1. Axolotl

2. Baby quail (one asshole, to scale)

3. I wanted to marry you, sight unseen, even! In fact, I was hoping you weren't cute, cause I hate cute shit. So, fuck you.

Betsvc said...

The otter with the personal postman limo service, the dormouse who was tricked by the photographer, the jaded hipster owl, the smug Tibetan fox and basically all the rest. You write quality humour and keep those pesky animals down!

krs10a said...

Beaver.

James Johnson said...

wonderful.

Gambling Tips

WR said...

Contrary to what your blog title states June 22nd is not a week ago - it 10 days ago. Fuck - two weeks is too long. I used your comb and ate most of Fritos in your pantry and finished the opened can of beer your fridge - deal with it! Could you leave wine the next time (a white Zin would be nice)?

krs10a said...

Wait, no: Red "Panda".

krs10a said...

No no, puffin. Sorry, puffin is my answer.

Melissa A. Robinson said...

http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2008/12/spoiled-wombats-are-never-satisfied.html

and

http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/01/act-quickly-tiger.html

The Brothers said...

I miss you. Time to come back now.
If you're putting the hurt on us to get book sales...well, it's probably working.

adrienne said...

a stumbled across your page this morning.

after weeks and weeks of rains, the clouds parted and blinding rays of sunlight crashed into my frontal lobe, and a rainbow appeared over bed-stuy. thanks.

since today's my first time reading your page, it's marriage time, bitches is my very favorite post.

that probably won't help you set your posts up so that you can enjoy a relaxing vacation but, oh well.

citrine said...

Favorites:

#1 Axolotl NO!

#2 Mole

#3 Keep it in your pants peacock

#4 Check out Kenny G! (seal)

#5 Stingray

#6 Jerk refuses to be my friend (dog)

Mike! said...

Well kiss my ass, I can post here too! Congrats, or whatever applies here. When the funny little animals coming back?

Mike! said...

And the Beaver is the funniest one, I think. An evil fucking beaver with a plan if I ever saw one.

kmccrary1210 said...

Epic evolutionary fail axolotl. Definitely the best. K

YoungHasBeens said...

Fennec Fox (baby). Ahem. Just sayin'.

martigny said...

The otter criminal is my favourite.

Adam said...

Friday: January 23, 2009 (This jerk refuses to be my friend) is my all time favorite post.

Nicci said...

have a great holiday. this puppy is the cutest thing EVER!

FranklinBluth said...

Top 3:

duckling "How come there is only one set of footprints, huh"

camel "camels are played out"

lion "lions even bore themselves" (LOVED the link to the photo of the lion carrying it's kill)

katlau said...

http://www.fupenguin.com/2008/12/lions-even-bore-themselves.html

haha....lions...

nltisme said...

I love that bogus-ass Tasmanian Devil...he is such a phoney...looks nothin' like Taz on the Cartoons....fake mutha!

nicola said...

I hate to tell you this, but falling for a little charmer like Audrey is always a bad idea. In a year's time, two years, you'll find yourself looking at her and saying, "You've changed. You've become a complete bitch."

yang said...

I love it! Very creative!That's actually really cool.
謝謝你的文章分享,請你有空到我

參觀,Thanks

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Tibetan Fox and the Manta Ray

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ibrahim said...

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ibrahim said...

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