Monday, August 24, 2009

Beavers think they're so fucking clever


If there's one thing I hate, it's animals that try to live their lives like high-concept performance pieces. I bet this beaver literally shit his pants when he saw this sign (which is most likely why he is not wearing pants). "Oh man," he probably thought to himself, tapping his fingers together, "it says no feeding. But the sign's post is made out of wood. This is going to be better than the time I made a dam out of copies of Salmon Rushdie's The Satanic Verses."

Well guess what, fucker? TIME MAGAZINE SAID IRONY DIED LIKE EIGHT YEARS AGO. So you are completely behind the times, and your little stunt looks more like a fucking joke now. Time to go back to the drawing board, Beaver. Next time, there better be a sharper exploration of the existential plight of rodents, or I'm not coming back.

--Do you think this is a real beaver, or did the beaver replace himself with a replica to signify the out-of-body experiences we all live with on a daily basis? Join the controversial debate in the comment section!--

47 comments:

frigginloon said...

My beaver doesn't look like that!

Eva Gallant said...

Must be where they came up with the title of that old TV series, "Leave It to Beaver.

skwilli said...

It's a real beaver in an unreal world!

Michael said...

Love your Blog - Might even buy the book and change my life forever - but Hey - As a Canadian - I can't sit idly by while you mock our National Symbol....
Beavers RULE !!!!

batkaren said...

beaver totally looks CGI.

laura said...

i'm thinking that's a gopher.

Rhinoism said...

There's a humongous bear just out of camera shot! He's gunna eat that beaver and the post! How's that for fucking irony!

hirakendu said...

;)

trulymadlydeeply said...

So I guess you fancy yourself a beaver nowadays, huh?

It is those things with which WE WHOLE HEARTEDLY IDENTIFY that become the victims, or merry scapegoats (no pun intended), of our slavish trappings-- of the infinate.

Release the need to judge, dammit. It's not the animal who is living his life like a "high-concept performance piece"! It's your projection of this observation that is a high-concept gobbledy goop.
He doesn't even know what the fuck your assertion signifies. He's trying to LIVE. It's called SURVIVAL.
Only a victim of the aforementioned human species tendancies would even dream of railing on this beave's innocent joke, on the universe's grand scheme to MAKE YOU LAUGH.
Laugh it up buddy.

Your book better be dam good.

trulymadlydeeply said...

P.S. I can understand, and, yes, even sympathize, with your error in projection. Technology is the real problem here. It should take the blame.
You can't help yourself, sitting behind a screen would only naturally lead to behaving like a movie reel.
I just hope the animals never find your address. Especially if your door is made of wood.

Neil said...

Just a squirrel with a weight problem:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marmot

Bobby said...

I think that's a groundhog (or woodchuck, whistle pig, whatever you call them in your neck of the woods). I also think it's pretty damn cute.

Mandy said...

Groundhog, I don't know who put you up to this (and I suspect it was Beaver) but those are not your teeth marks on that post. I know that Beaver probably duped you into this...didn't want to get implicated so got you to pose in exchange for a promise of fame and fortune. Groundhog, its okay. You don't need to submit yourself to these demeaning photographs for a little attention. Yes, Beaver gets more press and is the architectural genius of the animal kingdom, but you get a WHOLE DAY. You get to determine the fate of the weather for an ENTIRE SEASON. So next time Beaver comes around promising Prtizker Awards and a pent house suite in his waterfront property, you can tell him where to stick it.

The Last Waltz said...

Nice marmot.

Seana said...

I'm pretty sure it's a marmot, but ironically funny none the less.

Kurt said...

This shit is so staged it makes a Bob Fosse musical seem like it isn't trite or contrived.

hiphophippie.com said...

I can't wait till when he chews through the middle and the sign falls on his head. Now won't that be karma.

Glory von Hathor said...

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the sawmills of your mind.


Dammit Beavermunkthing, I was happily humming the theme from Shaft till you came along with your art 'piece'.

G'Tron said...

Compare and contrast.

If this is a beaver, it's one that not only lost its tail in a tragic accident, but also has its hair clipped down like a very butch lesbian beaver.

HC said...

@frigginloon LOL.

lojalumas said...

WHY IS THAT SIGN EATING THAT POOR BEAVER?

Entrepreneur Chick said...

Totally off the subject, but I thought of you regarding some information I read about blogging- how you can be "so polite and respectful" that no one will read you. Entrepreneur Chick says, "Market on, Effing Penguin Dude."

Arlene said...

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck,.....

G.H. said...

Love it!!

http://confessions-of-a-waitress.blogspot.com/

Cory said...

oh for fuck sake! I bought the book for my step father's 70th b-day. it better be here by friday, bitch!

C said...

This isn't a beaver. No question at all. It's a groundhog.

Sarah said...

Looks like a gopher to me.

mrsdependable said...

Beavers are so clever they have their own pageant, with a Beaver Queen. Check out beaverlodgelocal1504.org for more info.

Mike! said...

Fake fucking beaver.
Fake fucking wood chips.
Fake fucking grass.
Fake fucking sign post stick thing.
Even the fucking sign itself is fucking fake.
I blame fucking society.
In fact,
fucking Society is fucking fake too.
It's all fucking fake.
Only Puffins are real.
Show me a picture of a Puffin eating a fucking sign post and I'll show you what's fucking real!

tww said...

MmmmARMOT!

Fragrant Liar said...

That is the world-famous kindling beaver. This species is known for producing 80% of the planet's kindling. So leave the guy alone. He's at work, providing for you and me.

WR said...

"existential plight of rodents"...deep, very deep. Perhaps it is time to quit Yoga and just read your book, oh enlightened one.

martigny said...

What's with all the haters? This is obviously an interspecies beaver who has battled against prejudice and bias all of its life and has most likely been denied a mortgage and the right to marry and all you can comment on is that it doesn't fit your idea of what beavers should look like and whether or not it should have won a gold medal in the latest dam-building contest.

Liz Cotton said...

This is the original "eager beaver"!

Beckett said...

This is actually a performance piece by the Sign. It replaced itself with a replica and hid in the bushes so it could get this artsy beaver shot.

No actual signs were harmed in the making of this photo.

jamey r said...

"artsy beaver shot"

heheheh.

trulymadlydeeply said...

jamey r -- try Courbet, L'origine du monde

beevr said...

"Salmon?"

I think its Salman.

Maybe intentional...

Lulu Marchéline said...

u fucking kill me. Haha I think I might have just died!

Dulce said...

trulymadlydeeply...get off your PETA stool.

trulymadlydeeply said...

Bahaha! I wear fur!!!
And I LOVE it.

ragingpixie said...

That's a black-tailed prairie dog, people. Not a marmot, a gopher, a squirrel, a woodchuck, a groundhog, or a beaver.

Prairie dog. http://www.natronacountyweeds.com/btprairiedog.jpg

Seph said...

yeah thats def. a woodchuck. not a beaver. might even be a gopher but beavers have different body builds, are MUCH fatter then that, darker in color etc.e etc. not a beaver.

Stillie said...

Marmots have tails that are much longer than this little guy's. I've never seen woodchucks before, but I'd bet money on that being a black-tailed prairie dog. Plus, PDs are tame enough to be put up to photos like this. I've had several as pets. Not so good at following directions, though...

Mader said...

If I were a beaver-marmont-cat-sign-eatin' badass like this mother fucker, I'd puke reading these comments. Softitarian garbage spewed from your hate holes at every angle. Try mowing down a fucking sign post, or even better: convincing a fucking gopher-dog-woodchuck-thing to nibble an ironic post for the greater good.

Hipsters.

El Caganer said...

I like shaved beavers.

rustyoneill said...

crack head! what you just had to get your fix. tapping on your teeth like a crack head taps on their forearm with two fingers to get the vein to pop up. you couldn't hold out until mookie came with the fix in a half hour huh. now your dumb-self is caught red handed and everybody knows your problems. fucker. i can't even look at you right now. at least i know how to curb it by keeping toothpicks handy. you're like a young buck in front of a hot woman, blowing his load prematurely before she even gets fully naked. looking all depondent and forelorn now huh.