Friday, August 28, 2009

Hey, have you guys seen this picture?


I've generally let teh internet off with a warning when it comes to distributing cute animal pictures. But I want you to know I am VERY disappointed in all of you, people. What could possibly be worth sacrificing your independence and ruining your friend's day? Did this squirrel tell you to forward this to seven people or your vagina would fall off? VAGINAS CAN'T FALL OFF, PEOPLE. And can someone explain to me HOW THE FUCK THIS IS NEWS?

Fucking squirrels, people. Do you realize how many vacation photos I have ruined by jumping in front of the camera of complete strangers? Do you know how many of those photos have become internet sensations? The answers, respectively, are a lot and fucking zero. But this fucking jerk-off, THE PARIS HILTON OF THE SQUIRREL COMMUNITY, pops up in one picture with his top off and all of the sudden he gets to go to the moon and meet Abraham Lincoln. Well, fuck you, squirrel, looking mystified by simple technology that's been around for a fucking century does not impress me, even if you've conned the rest of the world.

53 comments:

tk13 said...

Wait a second...I ran into this squirrel once. A ticket for 'Our American Cousin', dated April 14th, 1865, slipped out of his pocket. First thought was "wait, where are his pockets? He's not wearing pants!"

Second thought? "Where'd he get this ticket?"

Seeing that photo with Lincoln made everything click: this squirrel assassinated our 16th President.

Son of a bitch. Now he's going about, ruining pictures. Where does it end, squirrel? WHERE DOES IT END?!?

frigginloon said...

Fuck me if the friggin rodent didn't pop up on Microsoft business website after ruining kim Jong Il's day!

http://frigginloon.wordpress.com/2009/08/26/microsoft-accused-of-changing-polish-website-image/


http://frigginloon.wordpress.com/2009/08/15/curious-squirrel-meets-kim-jong-il/

-Katie- said...

I saw it on I Can Has Cheezburger before anywhere else. Little squirrely fucker probably has rabies.

Nic said...

I saw this pic a few days ago. I think it's hilarious. Squirrels are trying to take over the world!

gregoryyy said...

Sigh.I am hoping(praying) that in the next photo the squirrel grows these imense fangs.Sharp and pointy.

Lazer beam eyes start to glow and focus.

Then, both those people are lunch.

hiphophippie.com said...

Squirrels don't even live by glacier lakes. That fucker bought round-trip airfare just to make his "grand debut." Get a life, loser.

Mike! said...

The truth is, I know this squirrel, I went to school with him and he hangs out at a bar I used to work at. Let me tell you, he's pissed off big time. First he was mad because he went on vacation to the lake, is all set to pop a nice photo to remember it by, and when he gets his pictures back, there are two ass holes mugging it up right behind him. He's walking around the bar all, 'Who the fuck are these two ass holes in my fucking picture?' Then a few days later, they're showing up all over the news and the Internet and the ass holes are taking credit for it and shit... Well, like I said, he's one pissed off squirrel let me tell you. Last I heard him he was saying something about biting someone's nuts off.

trulymadlydeeply said...

That squirrel wants you to think he's near-sighted. What, with the up-close-to-the-lens positioning.
But really? He's as far-sighted as they come.
Don't you realize squirrel, just because your master plan to jump into a picture and make it impossibly cute was well crafted does not mean the result won't go as you planned it!
Do you understand?!?

All the rest is nutty chatter. With some background laughter.

...."If there was ever an opportunity to cash in on nonsense"

And I'd say you should be looking forward to inclusion in a follow-up publication, squirrel. Your heightened sense of the cute chessboard is scary smart.
Now go look for a suit. Your next photo op is closer than you know. Labor Day weekend is approaching.

girl6 said...

Hey, Squirrel. Let me tell you sumpin, pal. You jump in my picture? You get a double dick punch and a karate chop to the throat. Plus, my associate Jimmy Fingers pays a visit to your family. Got it?

Beat it.

Jamie said...

What the hell is that guy holding?

Dunesdreamer said...

Great. Squirrels in still-shots. What's fucking next? Groundhogs in major motion pictures? Shit.

HC said...

Cant stand that quirrel, cause it's popping up everywhere... Driving me crazy.... Ahhhhhhhh...

Barbara said...

How dare you? I called this very squirrel "The Paris Hilton" of squirrels in my witty facebook post weeks ago. Now with your wide distribution and "fan base", someone might think you coined that phrase. Tchah! (and I mean that to sting).

Julie said...

OMG. You're killing me.

Bob's Country Bunker said...

there is no squirrel

http://www.lutralutra.co.uk/squirrelizer/

Beckett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beckett said...

Wow squirrel, do you feel better about yourself now? Who would have thought that your irritating habit of "dropping by to say hi" would be what finally gleaned some positive attention.

I have to admit I never thought anyone would be taken in by the vortex of self doubt that is your personality. I guess all the nervous ticks and inane, angry chatter don't come through in a still shot.

Still you deserve your due -- you look pretty good. All those years of insecurity and eating disorders finally paid off. (Yeah I'm sure you were just "hiding nuts for winter" after stuffing your fucking face for the 4th time at the thanksgiving dinner you weren't invited to -- thanks for the onion dip you cheap fuck.)

Well bask in it while you can squirrel. Winter's coming, and I know that whatever friends your new fame buys will abandon you and your psychosis after a long winter of obligatory social interactions.

Maybe then you will realize no one wants a creepy little neurotic like you scrambling around their house on a February morning.

Fuck you squirrel, and the horse you rode in on.

Trooper Thorn said...

Is it 'speciesist' of me to admit they all look alike to me?

Nina said...

You are actually quite brilliant and hilarious. How do you manage that on a daily basis? I'm trying to write a blog and it's just not as laugh out loud funny.

susan said...

That squirrel looks giant. I'm glad they cut off the picture before we had to see his giant squirrel balls.

It's All Good said...

yes, I saw this pic before, damn squirrel. Almost got mugged by one of those sneaky bastards, but I was on to his sneaky ways...

Glory von Hathor said...

Why did that duck have to die and this schmuck get to live? There's no justice.

Also, spammers, if anyone gets to give me a vaginal prolapse it'll be the six kids fathered by Noah Wyle I haven't yet conceived.

Kris Is Rad said...

I hate squirrels.

martigny said...

Hello. I am the widow of a former minister of petroleum in Nigeria. My late husband left his fortune of US $132,900,875.13 to that squirrel and if you can help me to find him by forwarding your social security number, bank name, bank account number, telephone and home address, you will receive 10% of this fortune for your time and trouble. God Bless You and Have a Blessed Day.

Erika said...

It should be obvious, even to a casual observer. The beady eyes. The sloping forehead. This squirrel is completely evil, wicked and nasty right to the core of its rodent body.
He is the kind of creature I would eviscerate immediately if it even put a paw into one of my photos!
This is the type of wickedness found in cabinet ministers of third world dictators! I'll bet this "cute" little "furball" is really the Minister of Crushing Internal Dissent with a Pair of Rusty Pliers in Robert Mugabe's government. I'll bet he's the one that wrecked Zimbabwe's currency. Why'd you do it Mr. Squirrel? And why are you advising Ben Bernanke?

Tenkely said...

FINALLY! This squirrel has been pissing me off for weeks! Thank you for sharing my sentiments that this furry fricken menace should GO POUND SAND.

Entrepreneur Chick said...

Where do you GET this stuff? I have nothing to say. Nope.

megan said...

This little terror made the front page of the Calgary Herald (2 hours from Lake Louise where this was taken).

Little bastard.

hirakendu said...

;)

omchelsea said...

Duuude, you are SLOW!

J-F-N said...

As much as the picture irritates me, I will continue to keep to my oath about not shouting at the bastards, as they do not listen, nor in fact care, about me.
On the other hand, the reason why I'm commenting is not only because these creatures make me angry, but also because I have mentioned you in my own blog and I feel slightly guilty about not letting you know, even though I know I shouldn't feel like that.

Wishing 4 One said...

Unfreakinbelieveable.

Bernie said...

So I dispatched a couple hundred of your extended family to an early demise.
Fuck you squirrel!

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3559/3839401395_c6604d29f6_m.jpg

WR said...

Glorified tree rats. End. Of. Story.

Annie said...

I've been a victim of this sucker many times, even throughout childhood. Picture ruiner!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aNfyrrAY0k

David said...

Actually, vaginas can fall out. Usually when you're old. It's gross, mostly b/c at that age old hags are perfectly happy to tell their story of vaginal trauma to any hapless teenager who walks by.

Jill said...

It gets worse....CNN has picked it up and it's a Top 10 story today:

Web Goes Nuts for "Crasher Squirrel"

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/09/09/minnesota.crasher.squirrel/index.html

TheLurkerX said...

I know that squirrel. He's a card carrying member of the Democratic Socialist party. He also cut in front of me at the 20 items or less line, with 24 items in his basket. And though I can't prove it, I'm pretty sure he felt up my sister while she was drunk and passed out at a frat party. Which just goes to show how fucking sneaky he is, because I don't have a sister.

Bendistraw said...

Please make a shirt that says, "Vaginas Can't Fall Off."

reydora said...

It's not a squirrel, people. Jeez.

MotherMayhem2x said...

My little brother used to do the same thing. Pop into the photo to be an A*hole, then all of a sudden everybody thinks he's f*cking cute?!!! Then he gives me the smug look when no one's looking to prove how evil he is. Come on squirrel, like anyone believes that was an accident. You f*cking *sshole!

Alexis St-Jean said...

OK really people, Have any of you seen a squirrel before ? That is NOT a squirrel, it is clearly a marmot... get it together. I expect better from you all!

ANJJAEJOONG`` said...

HAHAHAHA "THE PARIS HILTON OF THE SQUIRREL COMMUNITY" XD

lol and i also would like to know "HOW THE FUCK THIS IS NEWS?"

Flying Junior said...

A pretty squirrel is like a melody that's sweetly played in tune.

bikesgonewild said...

...i heard the two gay guys in the background have a "nutty" relationship...

...(1)- 'whatever that means'...

...(2)- 'not that there's anything wrong w/ that'...

...i mean, just sayin'...

innerlighter said...

That's no ordinary squirrel (marmot?). That's the most foul, cruel, bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Look, that squirrel has a vicious streak a mile wide...it's a killer!
I'm warnin' you...he's got huge, sharp...he can leap about...look at the bones!

meh.

Roflopagos Island said...

Vaginas can't fall off? Mama lied.

JD said...

It's like the Kanye West of squirrels. Expect he's not gonna let ya finish.

JD said...

It's like the Kanye West of squirrels. Expect he's not gonna let ya finish.

El Caganer said...

Squirrels love porch meat.

blackwizzard said...

Hum... yeah, vaginas CAN fall out of you!
http://www.sphere.com/article/woman-reveals-health-horror-my-vagina-fell-out/19260674

Weird hum?

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