Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Lucky? More like crafty.


Look at this son of a bitch. Look in his eyes. He knows exactly what he's doing. Oh, I've read the article about Lucky the Duck. I know he claims to have had an "accident" that led to him suddenly becoming famous overnight. I might even have believed him. UNTIL I SAW THIS:



Another leg problem? This time on a turtle? CONVENIENTLY ALSO NAMED LUCKY?!? This is my favorite part:
A key question is why Lucky — whose species is named for its ability to enclose itself entirely within its shell — was vulnerable to the attack in the first place.
Um, I don't know, maybe BECAUSE THE TURTLE MADE A DEAL?? This is clearly some kind of mass conspiracy organized around animals named Lucky convincing area handymen to throw something together for them in order to get into the local paper and be emailed to me. Well your luck just ran the FUCK out, you inappropriately legged, sneaky-eyed bastards. Stop trying to make me feel sorry for you, the jig's up. I heard the Associated Press just lost your fucking number.

42 comments:

Glory von Hathor said...

Every three legged sonofabitch dog I've was called Lucky. Coincidence? I don't think so. Everyone knows that three legged dogs are more loveable, like those little tiny kids who wear glasses. Bleed me dry why don't you.

PersonalFailure said...

Yeah, you give me that smug look while you show off the cyborg technology you've cleverly stolen- I won't love you for it!

Glory von Hathor said...

That cute duck made me lose all sense of sentence structure. Damn you.

Caitlin said...

Did you notice the duck is also trying to make you think he has no wings? We see right through you, Mr.Lucky Ducky.

PurpleHoodieChick said...

Haha, I love you blog.

And if they were going to give a turtle legs couldn't they come up with something that doesn't make him look so pathetic?

nanila said...

What the hell are those turtle prosthetics anyway? The feet off a crappy metal Ikea table?

Dancing Hula in the Sunset said...

Next thing you know they'll be giving elephants fake legs. Oh wait, darn it they already do. Stupid elephants.

girl6 said...

The duck was really hoping for a Chriatian Louboutin fuck-me pump but some asshole made him a Birkenstock.

Look at Turtle. Resistance is futile, you Borg-looking motherfucker.

HC said...

That are some very lucky animals! :-P

kiki said...

apparently non-lucky-named animals are also trying to cash in on the fame:

http://www.oddee.com/item_96482.aspx

hiphophippie.com said...

Nice sandle, nerd. Listen Sucky, I mean Lucky, you're never going to get into NYC Fashion Week so stoop trying already!

Tiffany said...

I can sleep at night, knowing you're taking care of this, enlightening the world. Sigh. I love you, Fuck You Penguin.

nltisme said...

These two footwear-enhanced creatures are so freaking full of themselves.

5holeSAVE said...

Mmmmmmm. Turtle legs YUMMMY!

priscyesser said...

Dare I say "Duck You, Penguin"

gregoryyy said...

HEY NIKE!!


Now your using animals to pimp your crap?

Fuckers.

Mike! said...

Kiss my ass Duck!
Kiss my ass Turtle!
There, I said it because it needed saying.

Beckett said...

First, that fucking duck's shoe fits like OJ's glove. Try a little harder duck.

Second, do you honestly expect me to believe that the turtle was named "Lucky" BEFORE his legs got chewed off.

Third, both birds and turtles are genetically closer to Dinosaurs than to Mammals.

These pathetic attempts to steal the spotlight shame your great ancestors. We took over 65 million years ago guys -- let it go.

misha1234 said...

I got my book!! It's awesome! Love it, but I noticed I didn't get any special "props" in the back, so fuck you Matthew!

Holly said...

Slalom kicks ass. Lay off the duck.

And WTF is that turtle doing to those Oreos? That shit's not Kosher.

blogspot.hollysdailyrant.com

Mama Caguama said...

The Mama doesn't like it when other turtles tread in her water. Caguama's rock the ocean you fresh water loser.

Your pathetic story ticked me off so much I roasted you on my own blog. Tuck back into your shell and get off the internet dude. Oh wait, you're apparently too fat to do that!

Wishing 4 One said...

Lucky my ass. Jerks.

frigginloon said...

Did they screw friggin chair leg coasters on his stumps? And whose the sick bastard who put a Chinese sandal on a Peking duck! Humiliating! FU do gooders!

-Katie- said...

Animals get hurt all the time. It's called natural selection. Like that squirrel I hit with my car today.

frigginloon said...

Lucky Duck has died people....RIP (fingers crossed you haven't been buried in that sandal!)

frigginloon said...

UPDATE : Unlucky ducky was cremated and the dude who made the sandal will make a headstone.

neilintoronto said...

Fucking hippie Duck, where is your other fucking Birkenstock?....Loser

neilintoronto said...

Where's your other Birkenstock, fucking hippie duck?!?!?

The Illiterati said...

Clearly you have it all wrong. The duck is quite obviously escaping from some Goose's Geisha girl fantasy gone awry.

And the turtle, well, he is stuck in the Super-ego phase, vaingloriously plugging his shell with Sur-la-Table wine corks to make sure no turtle mojo leaks out.

hirakendu said...

;)

StrawHat said...

I got my books!!!! OMG, this is a day I will remember forever.

FU, Matthew, I wasn't expecting to have to deal with snarky factoids along with each chapter. (I love it!!!!!!!!)

frigginloon said...

THE DUCK IS REALLY FRIGGIN DEAD PEOPLE!!!!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/6096059/Duckling-who-wore-sandal-following-leg-fracture-dies.html

crystal said...

hilarious!

www.billsshoesbooze.wordpress.com

Loreley said...

Jesus Christ, even in death, that god-damned duck is a media whore!

Ryan said...

Its a tortoise btw, not a turtle :P

Erika said...

Yeah! the fucking media whore died! According to the paper, "Owner Allison Morgan,of Newport, south Wales, said that Lucky had died undergoing surgery to rectify her handicap." Too bad it wasn't undergoing surgery to make it into duck a l'orange. Then it's death would have meant something! It died because the anesthesiologist was a worthless incompetent who over gassed it! Or a selfish hungry SOB who just couldn't get Asian Spiced Duck in Ginger Sauce off his mind. He probably pulled some ashes from the fire place, shoved them in a box, and said "here lady! Here's your cremated pet." Then gone home and eaten a huge feast. It's what I would have done.

Erika said...

BTW what quacks and flies but can't walk? JERRY'S DUCK!

Dimaension X said...

Our pet turtle just died last week. I wonder if we could have brought him to Jamaica and had him resurrected as a Zombie Turtle.

Andre B. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andre B. said...

Even the humans are trying to do it...

http://www.muzprosvet.ru/graphics/cremaster-5.jpg

Dad said...

Yeah, Lucky the turtle is all over the net now and has a big time Hollywood agent. Lucky is actually appearing on the Today Show tomorrow morning, 9/17! Little turd. I hope Al Roker sits on him.

Vanhaitsma said...

Lucky Duck eats lunch in Gig Harbor with the nurse from the doctor’s office.Last week, when I got my mole removed at Dr. Knox’s office, Lucky Duck made friends with his nurse. Today, we all had lunch at The Green Turtle, and it was delish! You may even find a yellow rubber duck in the DUCK HUNT. Lucky Duck and I went through Gig Harbor and hid his friends in some cool spots.