Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Slow-burn cuteness: the silent killer


The aye-aye was one of the first animals I was tipped off to by readers and, believe me, I had the same reaction you are having right now: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT AND WHY WON'T IT LET GO OF MY EYES? Months later, after looking at hundreds of pictures of aye-ayes (including this one and this one), receiving countless more emails from concerned citizens, and briefly opening and managing my own aye-aye singles bar to help increase their dwindling population, I've decided to add the aye-aye to my list of animals that are fucking bullshit.

How can one animal be so creepy, and yet so hairlessly wonderful? THIS IS DEAL-WITH-THE-DEVIL-TYPE SHIT. He's got the fingers of the Grim Reaper, the eyes of a snake, and the ears of a Pepperidge Farm cookie wrapper and yet I want to spend an afternoon showing him how to use iTunes. Fuck you, Aye-Aye, for taking your time to crawl into my heart and do some remodeling. I'll have the last laugh when you're old and ug... oh, fuck.

64 comments:

Jun Okumura said...

A starving gremlin, the last thing I expected to see on this blog.

She Who Eats Cookies said...

WHAT THE FUCK?!
I thought they were supposed to be cute?!
This poor animal looked like it just saw a ghost.

peedee said...

Thanks, I want to stab myself in the eye now.

priscyesser said...

The only thing more horrifying is this...
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1205022/Koda-born-health-problems-doctors-worried-But-turns-hes-just-little-horse.html

Wiley Dingo said...

It's like it really wanted to grow webbing between those fingers and just be a bat, but Darwin said: fuck you, crawl.

Michelle said...

Speaking of Labyrinth... I am pretty sure that dude was an extra...

Mister 1-2-3-4 said...

Show him how to use iTunes!?!? You know that little freeloader is downloading all of the Bauhaus and Sisters of Mercy albums off Bittorrent right now. And when the RIAA lawyers come knocking, who's going to court? You are. Show that goth squatter punk the door!

Laird Hex said...

KILL IT WITH FIRE BEFORE IT EATS YOUR FACE!

M.J. said...

Uggghhh...Aye Aye is obviously just a fancy name for a fucking gremlin. I just lost my appetite.

frigginloon said...

Don't give it friggin water or get it wet. Fuck you Mogwai!

frigginloon said...

Hang on one fucking minute, I think I dated that son of a bitch in 1984!

Mason Bryant said...

Oh Look! Dick Cheney's new kitten.

tea_please said...

"ears of a Pepperidge Farm cookie wrapper"

The claws are terrifying yet I still covet them to be wrapping around my fingers. Jerk.

The Silver Spring Penguin said...

Dude, that's not even remotely cute. That's just fucking hideous. I hope the good citizen cradling it in his/her hand in the photo squishes the life out of it.

Oh, and thanks for ruining any chance of restful sleep in the near future. That fucking thing will haunt my dreams for weeks.

HC said...

What the ......??? |That animal really looks scary!

hiphophippie.com said...

What's up with its name? Is it a pirate? "Aye-aye Cap'n! Arrr!"

Loreley said...

Ay, mama! Send this fucking thing back to whatever hell it escaped from!

Eva Gallant said...

Oh the nausea created by those mesmerizing eyes!
"hairlessly wonderful"??? It already has you in it's spell!
Destroy it quickly before it is too late!

Kathy said...

OMG...

Soda and Candy said...

Definite Dealers with the Devil:

1. Robert Johnson

2. George Clooney

3. The aye-aye

girl6 said...

Unfortunately, he's cuter than my neighbor's new baby.

gregoryyy said...

Anyone,and i mean anyone who wants to look like Tim Burton is daft.

I stopped by that bar,on accident,and those freaks were there just for the buffet.Got the hell out of there.

hirakendu said...

;)

Dunesdreamer said...

Joe Dante called; he would like you to return Stripe.

Tony Bravo said...

http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl

I think you need to check this out

peekay said...

demon spawn! get that thing baptised stat!

Gaina said...

I have only three words for this sneaky little shit head.

I. Want. You.

brad said...

"It's like it really wanted to grow webbing between those fingers and just be a bat, but Darwin said: fuck you, crawl."

I like the idea that Darwin not only discovered evolution but also controls it.

@eloh said...

NO, and those ears are fake, I can tell they are made out of candy wrappers...

Mike! said...

That thing got it's name from the first words out of the mouth of whatever poor son of a bitch fell across it's hellish path.
"What'd you find there Fred?"
"Aye aye..."
That's what the guy THOUGHT he said, so Fred writes it down...
Here's what he REALLY said though,
"I...I... I don't fucking know what the fuck this fucking thing the fuck is! It looks like it crawled right the fuck from hell itself and now I've shit my fucking pants!"

I know that's what I'd say if I first saw that ugly, creepy, harbinger of the four fucking horsemen!

George Lucas on a five day drunk couldn't come up with a fucking horror like that!

Val Cox said...

oh my, this one is over the top! Great commentary!

Alexis said...

I want to take it's nasty little grasping finger-thingys and wrap it around an ice-cream cone and offer it to small children - hours of fun to be had!

WR said...

"I like the idea that Darwin not only discovered evolution but also controls it."


OMG...he doesn't? Next you'll be telling us there is no Santa.

Jean said...

It's just too fabulous for words!

Elizabeth said...

what's especially disconcerting is that this little motherfucker is most related to chimps and humans!
http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/mammals/aye-aye.html

Tiffany said...

im going to see that thing in my nightmares tonight.

DJS said...

Just wait til he goes through puberty.... he won't be half as heinous when his voice cracks in the middle of a primal scream. That is a boy, right? God almighty - please say "yes"...

Zoe Right said...

What the freaking hell?

cfinhollywood said...

I think this is your best fucking rant yet.

Mega8815 said...

WTF?! Definitely nightmare worthy!
That's just WRONG on so many levels!

dajve said...

It has to be said, the Aye-Aye pictured is a very young one - the adults do become somewhat cuter, due in part to the fact they grow fur.

Do not click the following link ( if you have any scrap of dignity
Adult Aye-Aye on a stick

Puppy's Revenge said...

That's it! Joan Rivers has gone too far!!

Puppy's Revenge said...

Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon still has work!

Loreley said...

Say what you will about my dignity but the adult aye-aye on a stick is fucking hilarious in more ways than one!

terraelise said...

This looks so much like the lil dudes in Dark Crystal that I'm sure Jim Henson saw them first.

Beckett said...

Didn't Eddie Murphy kill that thing in the Golden Child?

Jana said...

It looks like a happier rat monkey from the "Dead Alive" movie.


I'm so creeped out right now.

dancingkoala10 said...

http://i25.tinypic.com/2el4j6d.jpg

Justin said...

this will haunt me for years to come

Miranda said...

It looks like a chiuahwa got knocked up by a bat!

weliketrousers said...

I love aye-ayes. Poor things. They're killed on site where they're from because they are thought to be omens of death (not surprising). Seriously, go look at some other pictures of them. They ARE cute! There's a video of one of them eating. That said, the humor of FUP is not lost on me. I'm glad you posted it.

Kelly said...

"And the ears of a Pepperidge Farm cookie wrapper."

LMAO!! Best laugh all day. Thanks. :)

Single Mama NYC said...

Hilarious! I needed that laugh!!!

Anadæ Effro said...

Thinks that the Madagascar Aye-Aye is so grotesque, why, they're jus' plain ol' lovably adorable! Thank the Gods that their coats grow in as they mature ~ (•:-)}

Jesa Christ said...

we told yoda he was to old to be a father...we were right

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

i think that is satan's spawn. ewwww.

wanya said...

its so cute! I want one to be my pet.
I'm just kidding, of course, who would want sotona's creature anywhere close ti me

westward ho said...

why gods why is it called an "aye aye"? why isn't it called a "NO NO NO"?

Susan said...

and the pirate said "aye aye aye, matey, it's evil in a skin ball"

Twitik said...

he also has the best name ever

Karen Mercury said...

I actually wrote a novel concerning aye-ayes set in Madagascar. In 1827 my heroes set out to capture one alive. They are seriously scary-looking yet fascinating. And I hear endangered now as much of everything in Mad is...

Noodley said...

NAY NAY to the eyes! But AYE AYE to the "...won't LET GO of my eyes" bit!

Lauren said...

haha I love it! I'm developing a blog AND my thesis project surrounding the need for people to love and be fascinated by all the diversity in our world...ugly et al. The project is called simply "Ew, Gross" and I should have stuff up on dhttp://ew-gross-circus.blogspot.com fairly soon. So keep an eye out for it:) The aye aye is one of my featured species, which there is a character I've made on the homepage of the WIP blog. I'd love to add you to the links but unfortunately the blog is designed for the eyes of elementary school kids:P I'm loving yr blog tho! now following...

Troy said...

someone cut that thing in half with a shovel!