Friday, September 18, 2009

I'm not sorry, Australia


Jesus Christ, Australia. What. The. Fuck. I know I've made fun of you for your koala rampages, your lax marsupial drug policies, and your animal-related holidays, but now it's pretty clear you were asking for it all along. You see, this is a brushtailed possum, caught in the act of eating a cookie in the backyard of an Australian residence. This possum sucks, obviously, and believe me there's no way I'm letting him get away with that pink nose and his little possum fingers. But, ummmm, Australia? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING COOKIES IN YOUR BACKYARDS? This is a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome, where Australians are the victims held captive by their kidnappers (mostly kangaroos desperate for another dime bag) and now they have fallen in love with the very animals that mean them harm.

But Possum, really? I don't care if they left out cookies for you. You take them home and eat them on your couch while you watch TV or something. You don't just stand there in the dark eating cookies, Possum. Not only is that fucking weird and a small step above wearing sweat pants to work, it's basically asking for someone to come along and take a picture of you looking surprised, which is exactly how this ended up. So go ahead, eat your cookies. But leave me out of it, Possum, I don't need to see any of what's going on here.

53 comments:

Beth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beth said...

FU Possum, you made it no easier for me to find FU Penguin among the nominees for the Bloggers Choice Award for best animal blog. It took me forever to dig through all the other crap!

http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/77943

girl6 said...

You look startled, Possum. Did we interrupt something? You know you're totally gonna deep-throat that cookie when no one's looking, you skeeze.

Jon Morgan said...

Look in that Possum's eyes, he's not startled. He knew damn well some shmuck with a camera (and I'm assuming a fanny-pack) would stumble upon him sooner or later if he just held onto that cookie long enough. Well played, Possum. You fucking brilliant bastard.

Steamboat McGoo said...

Well, at least the Ausie opossums aren't as ugly as the North American versions.

Greg and Kris said...

There is some sort of conspiracy between Pokemon characters and Australia. I dunno what the connection is, but somebody needs to get to the bottom of it. It's 420, here, so I'll have to rely on you all. I'm deep in the grips of a kangaroo-induced addiction and can't be bothered ... sheesh, I'm even starting to talk like one.

trulymadlydeeply said...

The very fact that you are defending your right to not be sorry implies that there is something to be sorry for.
What are you so guilty for BZA, huh??
I understand your subconscious need to expunge all traces of wrong doing heavily influence your entries. It's OK, the animals understand.
But now you're bringing Australia into the mix?! Humans?
What is going on here, what is going on?

P.S. Those are the cutest little fingers ever and will not hesitate to scratch down your back in a fit of passion if provoked.

connie said...

look how dialated his possum eyes are! this is a crack induced feeding frenxy!!!

frigginloon said...

That's not a friggin cookie, that's the leg of a koala! Those possums are vicious! FU nasty assed possum!

nakamal said...

Possums were introduced here to New Zealand from Australia and they are a scourge, destroying native plants and birds. We poison them and run them down with our cars at every opportunity!

Rico said...

And don't think for a second, Possum, that holding that cookie ever-so-daintily with that "it's yummy-nummy scrumptious" look on your face will assuage the contempt I feel for you, you gorky-eyed little bastard. Oh, and btw, you eat wafer cookies layer by layer, not end-to-end. Everyone knows that-dummy. I should also mention that after you eat that poison-laced cookie, you won't just be playing possum, you'll be . . . well . . . um . . . ah, fuck-you Possum!

Jill said...

It was all going relatively smoothly until I clicked on the link for "koala rampages". Enough said.

Matthew H Camp said...

Damn it, I just finished baking those! Fuck You, Possum!

Jules said...

Why don't the Australians EAT their cookies like Americans do?? That's odd. You'll never find cookies in MY backyard.

HC said...

Haha, I love those little Possum fingers...

monkeyboy said...

Aren't you cute eating your little cookie. You are so naive, possum. Ask an American possum and they'll tell you "it's eat a cookie one minute, guest star as road-kill the next." Oh it happens, my little Aussie friend. Wait, is that sound of a car driving on the wrong side of the road? Bon appetit, my soon-to-be carrion, little buddy.

Tracey said...

If it makes you feel better, they make dog food out of these little guys. http://www.addictionfoods.com/usa/prod_dog_brushtail.php

Arlene said...

This is disconcerting. I feel zero affection for possums, but this little cutie has wormed his way into my heart. I can't resist those eyes and what cute little fingers! Are the New Zealand variety vicious?

Mike! said...

I want to whack him right in the fucking head with a big flat bottom iron skillet and see if he pops right back up like they do in cartoons. Doesn't he look like he needs a serious whack with a big iron skillet, or am I out of line here? I don't think so! Cookie munching prick.

Paul the Cab Driver said...

Marsupials make me so angry. Why can't they just carry their babies in utero like normal mammals? What, is a uterus too good for them? They have to carry the fetus in a pouch so they don't get any on them? Come on possum, you think you're so cute nibbling those cookies, but you're just another MARSUPIAL!

WR said...

Perhaps Australia is actually run by the animals and we just haven't figured it out yet. Or perhaps there is a possum-ant conspiracy. Some this f'd up and I think the Republican party should get to the bottom of it right now!

WR said...

sorry about the typo's - I was LOL about the cookie crumbs in the back yard...jeez

hirakendu said...

;)

Giuseppe Mangiare said...

We're pretty much straight up attention whores in Australia. Possums are no exception. Why have substance when you can be cute as fuck?

Lilee said...

cute! haha

MotherMayhem2x said...

The dark circles and fuzzy stare almost alert you to the danger, but then the tiny paws. Oh that I could resist those tiny paws. You know my weakness and you take advantage every time. Well someone finally sees through you, little possum! There will be others and I will finally forget you! I will.

VIRGO said...

YAY POSSUM
SO CUTE I LOVE YOU BABY!!

Isonomist said...

How big is that thing? Is that a porch railing in front of it? It must be huge! How can you Aussies sleep at night, with that baleful creature breathing on your back porch, staring into your darkened window, crunching, staring, crunching? It knows there are more cookies right inside your house!

Woodchips said...

No, no, no, no... You've all got it wrong, we all hate possums in Australia! The little bastards get into your roof and walls, eat your veggies, shit all over your deck... See, what the possum doesn't know yet, is that the cookie is LACED WITH CYANIDE!

Carolyn said...

I agree, fucking possums. When I was a kid you used to be able to trap them and release them away from the house but apparently that caused their painful death because possum's are territorial & they'd kill the one you released.
So now you have to put up with them living on your roof & fighting/having sex loudly on the roof & freaking everyone out. Stupid possums.

CommieCanuck said...

That's not a cookie, it's another possum, ground up and baked. Possums are notorious cannibals.

Nicole said...

Aw, he looks like Michael Emerson. Congratulations on your Emmy, little possum!

Isonomist said...

I wonder how they taste barbecued?

cupcake said...

those slippery fingers fuckin freak me out...

Entrepreneur Chick said...

I was thinking the SAME thing!

Why are they leaving cookies in the backyard? How'd he get the cookie?

I see a business opportunity though.

C.F.P.
Cookies For Possums- it's a nonprofit, but I think in a year or two, the Board of Directors will find themselves with a tidy salary.

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Lol. Well may be we Australian's LIKE putting food in our back yards? We like it a lot! It is our favourite pastime!

Squirrels are also listed as pests in WA.

Shalla said...

Obviously, the cookie was a trap, hence the possum only having eaten one bite of it before being spotted, photographed, probably sold and/or skinned, and thoroughly exploited in blogs about penguins.

Paul Charteris said...
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Paul Charteris said...

Fuck you possum

Go back to Australia you little TB infected, native plant eating, genocidal maniac. You were never welcome in New Zealand in the first place and you are certainly not welcome now. If I ever get a hold of you I'll shove that vanilla shortbread straight up your ass. Fuck you possum.

sorrydadenglandisweird said...

Haha ... this blog is hilarious. Not sure if I can request on here but my favourite Aussie animal is the wombat (very underrated internationally and way cooler than a Koala). Would love a post on that :D

sorrydadenglandisweird said...

Whoops ignore my last comment. I found the wombat posts. This blog is the perfect remedy for being sick in bed with the flu

Big Al said...
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Big Al said...

FUCK YOU Australian Possum
If that's what you really fucking are!
You look less like a Possum then a Bat had one night drunken fuck with some easy piece of shit mouse!

I get it bat mouse..
"U did it all for the cookie!
Well that wigger wanna be shit is over asshole so take your Fred Durst frontin Australian ass back to the 90s where someone might give a shit!

Benny "THE TANK" said...

"The Tank" would destroy you, and your wide eyed, cookie eating assoicates!

Benny "The Tank"

Get Your Cute On said...

I can't really say I have ever trusted a possum.

The Danish Girl said...

haha! so funny. This post made my day!

nltisme said...

Australia is just weird, ok.

El Caganer said...

I feed possums porch meat.

jarrah said...

never EVER trust one of these animals. They are evil purified and what the Devil is based upon. they should never be approached and are NOT cute. the will tear your eyeballs out. useful for fur.

jarrah said...

never EVER trust one of these animals. They are evil purified and what the Devil is based upon. they should never be approached and are NOT cute. the will tear your eyeballs out. useful for fur.

Pink Love said...

This post has been removed by the author. why???ghd pure

rustyoneill said...

what up black? you got caught didn't you! now they gonna take yo ass to jail. and they gonna make you drop the soap. and you gonna know what it means to be startled, but you won't like this one bit. enjoy that cookie now, cuz you gonna be somebodys cookie real soon.
DANG!!!!

rustyoneill said...

drop that konwledge on you son like... gonads and strife; make you a eunoch with a swipe on my knife. i really mean condoleeza rice