Wednesday, October 21, 2009

HELP

People, a penguin has kidnapped me. I was on a hot air balloon trip and I crashed in Antarctica and he captured me and forced me to give him my password. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING HE SAYS! Please, call the police and tell them to immediately fly down to the south pole and look for a white door cut out of the ground. It's made out of ice, you can't miss it. I'm right in there!!! Hurry... Oh, God, he's coming!


UPDATE: Haha, wasn't this a funny idea for a post? As if penguins would even kidnap anyone, they don't even have guns because they are a peace-loving species! Why, the only way I could think of to kidnap a human would be to hack into the directional apparatus on their craft so they were forced down in your general vicinity, peck at their calf muscles so they could not run away, then drag them into a secret lair which had been created for just such an occasion where the "penguin" would then be able to keep the human at bay using a highly complex system of ropes and pulleys. Now how realistic does that sound? Not very likely, I hope.

Anyway, back to the blog!

42 comments:

Mik said...

I knew it, you penguins will never get away with this, I've got the seals on there way . . .

Akash said...

don't worry my sled is packed and my wolves are ready. Am on my way

MikFoss said...

The penguins must be punished for this, suffer they shall . . .

M.J. said...

I knew that couldn't have been you talking yesterday. It just didn't make any sense....

Melissa A. Robinson said...

Sing showtunes! As loud as you can. Penguins have no defenses against showtunes. He will freeze in terror and you can escape. Showtunes, I tell you!

Do you know anything from Cats? I have never tried this because I cannot be trusted with dangerous weapons, but I hear that songs from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat are especially paralyzing. Or Oklahoma! Sing the Oklahoma song.

Eva Gallant said...

There was no doubt in my mind that something like this had happened. Where are the penguin police??? We must get him free immediately!

WR said...

The den in the ice is entirely plausible. I think we should wait until the Penguins send the video. Listen to the demands, watch poor Matthew read the script they forced on him and then we'll make a statement about not paying ransom and plan a daring rescue.

Are the wolfs still ready?

If you hate show tunes...does it mean you are part Penguin...on no, don't let it be true!

kayce. said...

hmmm... i sense a bit of stockholm syndrome going down. i believe the penguins will eventually get their way and be loved by the author of this blog. penguins may be a peace-loving species, but there's such a thing as killing w/ kindness. ^_^

Ben said...

Will this tragedy never end?

trulymadlydeeply said...

Way to give your highly sophisticated plan and your Penguin self away!!

FUP: If you can read this, do not let them get you pregnant!!! Once that happens their extremely complex and sophisticated (there's that word again) legal system will ensure you're eternally bound to their clan. They know what they're doing! Everyone's been buzzing about the great invitro down there.
Watch outtttt

Julie said...

...none of the posts since you've come back have been funny

frigginloon said...

WTF it's still Balloon Boy writing on this blog. Hand back FU penguin you imposter or the friggin squirrel gets it!!!!!

HC said...

OMG, i was really schocked! :-P

The Velvet Milkman said...

The Velvet Milkman is making his annual rounds to Antarctica. Should be there around Thanksgiving. Do you have a street address? If you're unconscious or tied to a chair, don't worry about answering the door.

Sarah said...

Dude, seriously. WTF? WTF'ing F?

Rico said...

Okay, the police won't help - some BS about "jurisdiction and treaty agreements" but I've convinced an entire legion of sharks, killer whales, leopard seals, and oil tankers to come for a dramatic rescue. However, there are things you must know and things you must do to escape.

1. Penguins are scared shitless of Chewbacca. They self-identify with Jawas, Ugnaughts, and Ewoks but Chewie's roar makes them have panic attacks. Use this to shake their confidence.

2. Penguins are highly susceptible to the sound of Morgan Freeman's voice. Once you've scared them Wookie-style, use your best MF imitation to convince them to let you outside for a piss.

3. Soak the ice-door they are holding you under. Though it's super-easy to spot ice doors in the Antarctic, there are so many of them we have to know which one you're under.

4. As a back-up plan, fashion a Shackleton-type raft from your own feces. It's cold as fuck down there so that shouldn't be a problem. If the penguins ask, tell them you're making a nest (they'll "get it").

You should be home in no time!

George said...

I agree with Julie.

Jon said...

To George and Julie: No one cares. No one forces you to read this. Stop bringing everyone down.

tyler said...

Rico, that was GREAT, George and Julie, nobody wants to hear it.

cartographer said...

I 'm really enjoying this week's entries :-)

Mr. Justin said...

I especially like the Shakleton type raft made from feces(hope those damn penguins have been feeding you enough fiber)-and if there's time on the way back, swing by elephant island. I heard the mermaids around there are sluts!

Mike! said...

I hope you all heed this warning, don't take these flightless bastards lightly. No. Not one bit. Let me remind everyone of this far too frightening phrase, "Tennessee Tuxedo will NOT Fail!"

Eva Gallant said...

the raft of feces was ab excellent idea! we know he has no shortade of the stuff!

Sarah! said...

Uh oh, George and Julie...you totally put sand in everyone's vaginae! Crazy how one truthful comment somehow outweighs weeks and weeks of inactivity and a mediocre return, eh?

Yorick said...

Where were those critics when Eron was f'ing the economy? Hey, critics, go to the pole, check out the story and send us an email. We'll miss you.

Jon said...

To Sarah! (and George and Julie): First of all, this a joke. Kind of like that exclamation point at the end of Sarah!'s name. Get a sense of humor. Second of all, I'm still pretty sure no one cares. Like I said, if you don't like what's going on, go away. No one's holding you guys here. I'm guessing no one's holding you guys at all.

The Silver Spring Penguin said...

I'll get you, my pretty. And your little dog too!

Buwahahahaha!

Nanodance said...

I think that we are falling into the penguin's master plan. Fans are turning on one another when we could be banding together to rescue FUP.

Ali said...

The only thing we can do is send in our brave allies the Seals and the SEALs. God have mercy on us all...mankind is now in the final stages of the evil plan of the Penguins.

Jessica said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nakia said...

OMG entries that aren't funny to my personal sense of humor! I must make my outrage known, and not only that but state it in a manner as if it applies to everyone else too! FUP and its readers must be informed that I have not found this joke funny, it didn't make me laugh. FUP has failed me personally and thus the world.

Word verification: sanism. A mix of sane and sarcasm?

Entrepreneur Chick said...

The dose of your meds currently seems perfect for our entertainment value. Don't change a thing!

bobbisgrrl said...

this isn't very funny.

Sarah! said...

You guys DO see the irony in sharing your opinion about how much you don't like someone else's opinion, right? Let me explain it for you: when you get uber-defensive towards someone criticizing the site, you're not being any more interesting or contributory than they are. To put it easier for you simple folk: IT'S FUNNY WHEN YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMEONE WHO IS COMPLAINING.

And seriously, Jon, saying the exclamation point is a joke? Is that the best you've got? That's like me saying that because your name is missing an H, you must have a brain injury. Grow up.

And sorry babies, but I'm here to stay in ALL of my critical glory. Because, the thing is, this blog used to be really funny. And it won't get funny again if you guys keep blowing sunshine up its currently unfunny ass. So, I'm going to keep stating my opinion, because it's actually JUST as valid as yours.

Sorry if that bothers you. You can flame n' troll away if you want, because your half-baked attempts at insults are actually FUNNIER than the current content.

Kisses!

Roflopagos Island said...

Ropes and pulley systems are the ultimate human containment system in my humble opinion

Nakia said...

"And it won't get funny again if you guys keep blowing sunshine up its currently unfunny ass."

Some rather amusing observations of my own about this statement. One, that any opinion different from yours, who are enjoying the post and say so, are "blowing sunshine up its ass." Obviously, some folks are enjoying the entries. If you don't like it, move on and check back later? Just a thought. People's sense of entitlement on what an author, artist, entertainer or whatever it may be often amazes me.

When I don't like something, I click the page and go to something else. If the majority come to not like something, silence speaks louder than any ranting and raving. I do agree the bickering can be amusing. But you are contributing just as much. If I'm in a theater and watching a movie and I don't like it, I feel no need to stand up in the middle of the theater and yell out how bad it is. I just walk out. Sure I'll tell my friends what I thought, but not people who don't know me from Adam (if you'll excuse the cliche.)

I'm enjoying some of the comments more than the actual posts recently, but this site is the blogger's creation. I'm not going to begrudge him what he chooses to do with it.

Jon said...

Sarah!: Clearly I must have a brain injury, if I'm getting into an argument I don't really care about with someone I don't know.

My point was only that there's no need to be a douche. You don't find it funny, sweet. Good for you. Why ruin the fun everyone else (with the exception of George and Julie) is having just because you don't get the joke? Some might call that childish.

Anyway, I think I'll let Nakia take over and move on. No hard feelings, I hope.

Kisses!

trulymadlydeeply said...

No matter the Blogger url, wherever you set up shop you create a stir!! Unreal! Damn you BZA ::shaking fist

Cheryl Geller said...

Hilarious.

nltisme said...

I gots my home-hillbillies packing up for battle now...we are coming to saves ya!

Pink Love said...

don't worry my sled is packed and my wolves are ready. Am on my wayCheap Abercrombie

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