Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Penguins: not so bad??!!

^^They seem nice enough...^^


I learned some things on my vacation that made me think penguins are not everything I've made them out to be in my other posts that I personally wrote and that were definitely not written by someone else that I am now pretending to be. I also ate a lot of different kinds of food on my vacation that humans like me really love, like cow, peanut jelly, and seal. In fact, I found seal to be extremely delicious. People should really eat seal more often. Anyway, did you know these things:
  1. Penguins actually can fly, but they choose not to do so because they don't want humans to think that penguins believe they are better than everyone.
  2. Penguins have the highest percentage of church attendance in the animal kingdom. Unless you don't like that sort of thing, in which case they are agnostic leaning towards secular humanism.
  3. Penguins love NASCAR because it puts them in touch with their working class roots.
  4. There has never been an incidence of any penguin using the term "Bros before hos."
  5. While there are a small percentage of penguins that hog the spotlight, the vast majority are private birds who just want to live their lives and avoid hurting humans.
I mean, this was a real revelation for me, considering that I am a person and I previously did not really care for penguins. I am going to have to really think this over while I drive my car and wear clothes, you know, like a normal guy.

46 comments:

MikFoss said...

Now I know the penguins have got to you, those aren't the words or our favorite cute animal basher. Those are the words of a penguin, a filthy evil identity stealing Penguin!!!

Ed said...

Penguins and balloon boy: two of a kind.

The Velvet Milkman said...

YOU, SIR, ARE A FLIP-FLOPPER--

--unless someone (or someTHING) has hijacked your blog!vessel, you have some serious 'splainin to do!

HC said...

OMG, What the f*** happened to you?! :-P

Ben said...

So, the penguins have some sort of diabolical brain washing machine after all. Very interesting.

Jøn Mørgan said...

It's a penguin!!!! Don't let him fool you; that's NOT Fuck You, Penguin! That's a fucking PENGUIN!!!!

Sarah said...

oh no! penguins are taking over the world! or at least your blog...

The Silver Spring Penguin said...

BUWAHAHAHA!!!

allison: said...

I am totally NOT suspicious of this OBVIOUSLY human entity that is doing a WONDERFUL job writing FU, Penguin lately. And it is definitely NOT prompting me to call the authorities to put out an APB on a small black and white bird that doesn't fly but does spout evil lies.

Kris said...

HAHA I knew it!!!

Erin said...

The image of a penguin sitting at a laptop typing out this blog is almost too much for me to handle...You couldn't just stick with your waddles and your tuxedo--you had to take it a step farther in your attempts to kill us with cuteness! I will not succumb...I know your tricks, penguin, and your charade can only go on for so long...

Isonomist said...

Give him time, people. He's still high on vacation endorphins.

Robert said...

The penguin coup d'etat has begun! Our penguin overlords have commandeered the blog; all your blogs are belong to us now! SQUAWK!

jflorek said...

Give me a break, they cry ice cubes, for fuck's sake!

SJO said...

Folks, you're not looking deep enough into the deep, deep depths of conspiracy here. Remember that FUP recently got MARRIED? Whirlwind romance, none of us ever met the chick...or was it a CHICK???! Maybe THAT SORT of chick? Yes, I mean what you think I do...They have infiltrated the very epicenter of penguin/general cuteness suppression.

WE ARE TOAST.

The Claire said...

What the hell has happened here....I am so lost and confused without the real fuck you, penguin. I think the Velvet Milkman is right, something or someone has hijacked this blog! Damn it!!

Nikki said...

I would just like to thank you, sincerely. You make me laugh uncontrollably everytime I read your blogs. it's makes my soul-stealing job seem a little brighter.

Diti said...

Kraaa!

BethO said...

NOOOO! Penguins are infiltrating! What have you done with Matthew!!??

Marie said...

oh shit.

Sara said...

Man, imagine how pissed Matthew's gonna be when he finds out what's going on. And you thought FUP was aggressive on cute before...

mandy moorehol said...

i fucking knew penguins could fly. now just attach laser guided bombing devices to their backs and say goodbye humans!!!
-mandymoorehol
http://www.fatkidsfalling.com

Connie said...

Your publisher got to you, didn't she.

Rico said...

Okay you permanent tuxedo-wearing sonofabitch; HOW THE HELL DID YOU LEARN TO TYPE? Or are you dictating this propaganda to your captor?

You didn't do your research, you filthy penguin fuck, WE'RE ALL ON TO YOU.

First, Who the hell eats "cow"??? And what, for the sweet love of fucking doughnuts, is "peanut jelly"???

Second: The only church penguins attend is the Dark Penguicostal Church of Present Day Mind-controllers. I saw that shit on an episode of the X-Files where they almost converted Mulder but Scully was so skeptical about it that it didn't "take" . . . but I digress.

Third: NASCAR is almost an anagram of RANSAC(k) - are you obscurely demanding a $1000?

The gig is up you pseudo-bird. If you start posting cute baby pictures with "fuck you human" rants and diatribes, the CIA, FBI, NSA, HLS, and other TLAs will FUCK YOU UP!

Nakia said...

Hmmm highly suspicious that this blogger who is supposedly the original blogger is encouraging people to eat more seal... the #1 natural predator to penguins.

The penguins have captured FUP!

cassaundra said...

fuck yeah penguins!!!

Justin said...

Where did you go on Vacation? Antartica? Hopefully you have some cute polar bear pictures for me to rip on!

Glory von Hathor said...

Wait - so all that time the target audience of 'stuff white people like' was actually penguins?

Thunderkleez said...

This post was written by a penguin!

Laura said...

"like a normal guy" my a$$!! What have you done with the real FU, evil penguin??? BTW, thanks for the reference to secular humanism- just looked it up and realized that some asshole scooped me on my life philosophy. Back to the drawing board...

Eva Gallant said...

they have Matthew.......what will we do????

Beth12 said...

Does this mean Matthew is off floating on an iceberg somewhere?
He must be cold.

meep said...

If the name of the site suddenly changes to Fuck You, Evil & Rarely Funny Blogger, I think we'll all know it's time to play Taps on our kazoos and curse ourselves for not getting our books autographed while we had the chance.

Melissa A. Robinson said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha.... oh, boy. I needed that laugh. You are so fabulous. And by you, I mean the totally human-like cow eating person that invented the penguin that is pretending to be human like. So good.

Hee hee hee....

Bwa ha ha...

Still giggling.

Humans really should eat more seal.

Bwa ha ha ha...

I am glad you are back.

frigginloon said...

I think I just got friggin diabetes from your post. Hello, FU, anyone home Mary friggin Poppins? Geez, if this is what marriage does to you I want nothing of it!

Entirely said...

This is pure genius. I've been reading your blog from the beginning and have always thought you were very funny and highly creative. But this is *AMAZINGLY* good. This takes the creativity to a new level... one of the coolest things I've seen on the internet in a long time. Bravo!

(and btw... I wasn't going to, but just because of this I'm now going to buy your book)

Casey D. said...

let me guess... penguins took over the site?

durr hurr.

can we read some more psychotic ramblings now? those were actually funny.

Rachel said...

did a penguin write this??? We're on to you!

Brenda said...

Seal meat is soooooo good.

Tasty, tasty seal.

Save the endangered atlantic cod -eat more seal.

WR said...

You left out "If you've seen one penguin, you've seen them all"...

While you were away (but then perhaps you still are...no matter) did you meet any vegan penguins? Just asking...

Melanie's Randomness said...

I've always said I'd love to be a penguin. Hmmm I might want to re-consider that...haha nah I still wanna be a penguin. They can eat whatever they want & the man takes care of the egg. =)

The bros before hos one omg hilarious. =)

Ali said...

Oh shit, son! The Penguins have taken over F.U. Penguin! Grab your weapons! Protect the women and children! The Penguin Apocalypse is here!

Jennifer said...

This is total BS, penguin. Just last week I was watching animal planet and even with the sound down I watched a penguin say to his friends: "Come on dawgs, leave the bitches... bros before hos." So there is at least one documented incident of penguins saying bros before hos.

Now release Matthew or else we declare war!

nltisme said...

What penguin-controlled propaganda! Release our blogger at once! Hee hee my verification word is fooketti! Ridonkulus!

Benton said...

Penguins:not so bad?!!! Think again. Bam penguins smug actions and tomfoolery have lead to the death of and near annihilation of all other creatures. Fact, all penguins are republicans (not the good kind). Let me stop you right there, I know what you're thinking "but sir, penguins haven't nearly annihiliated all creatures!" my answer "wait for it..."
In your face!

Pink Love said...

Give me a break, they cry ice cubes, for fuck's sake! ED Hardy swimwear