Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dissatisfied ferrets resort to Jewish guilt


Ferrets have made no secret out of the fact that they are not happy about being so low down the list of favorite pets, hovering way below the classic favorites like dogs and cats and somewhere between a potbellied pig and a chia pet. Instead of taking this like a man, they unsurprisingly take it like a ferret, which means tons of fucking passive aggressive comments about how all the ferret wants is for you to be happy and if it doesn't make you happy, well, then maybe it just shouldn't be around any more.

This particular manipulative bastard has taken it to a whole other level. If a Ferret ever gives you shit like this, just say, "No, Ferret, I am not going to cook you to put you out of your misery. JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CALL EVERY WEEK DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE. And stop looking at me like that, I will not be taken in by your firm but loving stare." Then slowly back away from the Ferret and when both of you are calmer you can make plans to firmly define your boundaries.

68 comments:

Melanie's Randomness said...

hahahaha!! Awwww but it's soo cute!! I love ferrets. I think they are underrated.

Nigel Tewksbury said...

I once had a pet ferret named Pythagoras--he had strikingly triangular ears. He died from the cold when I left him in my roadster on New Year's Eve. To be fair, he was an idiot.

Seth said...

Props for the weasel.

matatatt said...

The cuter they are, the tastier they are.

M.J. said...

Jewish guilt...are you sure that's a ferret? Maybe it's my mother cleverly disguised as a ferret...

texcat said...

This is the best you can do after almost a month off...and 3 weeks off before that? FUP, you're losing your touch. What--the book royalties making you all candy-hearted toward the sneaky bastards that got you there?

Jewish guilt...cheap, easy, beneath you.

Eva Gallant said...

I'm glad I finally bought the book, so I'll always have a memory of the true Fuck You, Penguin!

Melissa A. Robinson said...

Happiness is firmly defined boundaries.


And a ferret in a pan.

tcs3600 said...

How come when they finally invent an animal that WANTS to be eaten, it's a smelly, scrawny ferret?

Call me when there's a grass-fed steer in the pan.

The Claire said...

This is good. Very funny.

Those fucking ferrets.

Choppy said...

Ferrets are like squirrels without the fluffy tails. And that's not a good thing.

Rico said...

Stupid. Fucking. Ferret. This plan will NEVER work. Don't you know you're not even close to Kosher? Sigh, why does nature insist that "cute" must equal "dumb"? Now fuck off and don't try to weasel your way into another pun, I mean pan.

jorg wobblington lopez said...

Poor ferret. He has such a bad rep. I think all he wants is some rotting carcass to chew on.

Portuguese cunt said...

Ferrets stink. That's why they're not popular. They look clean, like cats, but they are, in fact, perpetually covered in a thin film of urine.

Kinda like Sarah Palin.

Red Lipstick Style said...

So funny! I had a diva rabbit who would do the whole suicide-thumping-you hate me thing! They always win, they know they are too cute!

John Bosley said...

I take you camping and this is how you thank me? Don't tempt me, ferret.

Arlene said...

My friend's ferret, Stinky, was so depressed over his body odor that he threw himself in front of a semi.

Boomka said...

This f'n ferret is about to go all Drugs Free commercial on his owners. "This is your ferret. This is your ferret on drugs. Any questions?" And then of course you will have a question. Where the hell did my ferret get the money to buy drugs? But by that time it will be too late. RIP druggy ferret. RIP.

Trooper Thorn said...

There's a reason ferrets aren't kosher.

frigginloon said...

Ah fuck it, add some salt and a pinch of basil and the scare the fucker! That's a pretty good boundary for starters!

Heather said...

Let's face it, besides The Beastmaster what have you really done ferret?

The Velvet Milkman said...

This ferret is trying to guilt us through the art of song. It will never work, Ferret. Not on FUP's watch.

jwm said...

Any ferret that will cook himself for you is all right by me.
Pan fried Ferret.
Yum.

JWM

MikFoss said...

I once had a nile monitor and some people I lived with had a ferret. I imagine the scene just before he ate the nasty little devil looked just like this, and I bet the monitor was still hungry . . .

tyler said...

Love the post... It's true.
And Red Lipstick, that's a normal territorial behavior for rabbits- it means the equivalent of "f*ck you, leave me alone in my area, thankyouverymuchsir!"

WR said...

Standing in a ungreased pan on an unlit stove is more like the some weird protestant hybrid of Jewish guilt. Ferret call me when you finish grad school and we'll talk serious guilt trips. Until then, get out of the pan and write your mother!

helcar13 said...

That ferret is just angry that no one likes it! i gave you an award. check it out when you can!

Mike! said...

I know what you're thinking, tastes like chicken, right?
Wrong! Tastes like fried fucking rat! And who wants that? Not me, I'll just eat chicken, thank you.

Sam Wise said...

Now, see, the ferret's problem is clear - complete and utter self-deprecation. Ferrets are the 3rd most popular pet in America, and yet all they can do is complain about how "nobody loves me, wah wah wah." SUCK IT UP, FERRET. Next thing you know they'll be claiming they were never loved as pups and now they need therapy to become full and complete creatures in tune with Nature and Harmony and shit.

The Lady's Lounge said...

Some ferret's are truly loved by those fantastic owners who are in complete denial
The ones who tell you that their ferrets don't stinky because they have been de-stinkified but then you walk in their house and are so overcome by the pungent stench that your nose and eyes start burning.

"Look how cute they are in their little hammock!"

"I can't see...ouch..ouch..my eyes are bleeding."

http:/www.theladyslounge.com

nltisme said...

OK....I have to be a surrender-monkey on this one...I freaking love ferrets. He can manipulate me any damned time he wants!

joe said...

Having experience with ferrets I wouldn't be surprised if it pooped in that saucer

Agente Provocatrice said...

You know what Ferret, I was over you before you were a thing to be over. My allergies make me immune to you (sort of).

Katie said...

Damn you ferrets!! Always stealing stuff and hiding them in shoes...WTF! If I wanted my stuff in my Nikes, I would have put it there!

El Caganer said...

I pooped on a ferret once.

Nikole said...

i love ferrets they are the best.

Rosa said...

Chinchillas beat ferrets every time. Have u ever written about chinchillas?? Im going to go check...

hirakendu said...

;)

Alex said...

Damn ferrets, Bucky Katt is right to hate those buggers.

Hillary said...

That is hysterical! My grandmother uses Jewish guilt all the time... it's better when she has her eyeglasses on and tells me she can't see but she knows I'm doing evil things.

GREAT post!

Martin said...

Fuck you, you fucking trouser snake fucking pervert ugly shit - fry you fuck

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Kim said...

Why is this blog genius and you hilarious! Poor ferret and its Jewish guilt!

Laurie said...

Hi FUP! Love Josh Is Trashy & found you from him ......

Many ironies here: 1) JUST posted on my blog yesterday list of favorite things and one favo thing is our ferret Puck 2) our last name is Weckstein (equals jewish!) so Puck must be jewish!! 3) Word verification, for my first ever comment here is, you ready? ....."PETsesse"!!!!!!!

Umm, oh yeah, screw you ferret haters!

Glad I found you FUP. FUN over here!

http://youmusttakeyourchanc.blogspot.com/

MG said...

is this blog not happenning anymore or something?

Sadie said...

Actually, Sam Wise, ferrets never WERE pups. They were "kits". Maybe that is part of their problem.

KristinaV said...

such a funny pic, Ferrets are a bit too much like rodents lmao or are they lol

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Oxford Collar said...

Dumb ferret doesn't even realise he'd stick to the pan without some olive oil. I don't even think he respects the laws of cookery!

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trulymadlydeeply said...

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