Friday, November 13, 2009

I think you may have sat on your own face, clown monkey


Mandrill, I'd like to introduce you to a concept called restraint. Here's how it works: I don't make fun of the fact that you think chewing on a twig is cool, and you refrain from looking like your mom had sex with a box of Fruit Loops and made you. Honestly, of all the ridiculously insane monkeys out there, you have to be the craziest one of all. You're a primate, Mandrill, not a fucking Care Bear.

And as if it wasn't enough that you have a Van Gogh painting on your ass, you just had to get like an all-time amazing shampoo/blow out at the local salon. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE IN THE WILD. It's so silky and planned, you are way too entirely ready for a night on the town in your rockin' unbuttoned shirt and puka shell necklace. Please stop your misguided search for a mate, wipe that shit off your face, and start eating a banana or something so other monkeys won't talk about you behind your back so much.

81 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

Totally disgusting display!

PersonalFailure said...

oh, and the bright red pig nose? so last year!

Kelsey said...

If this isn't a drag queen monkey, then I don't know what is.

Jordan said...

Fun fact: the mandrill's face looks like that to mimic the coloring of their genitalia. He is literally a dick face.

Second Fact: the animal under "ridiculously" is an ape, not a monkey.
Tail=monkey No tail=ape

Melanie's Randomness said...

Ohhh hysterical. Absolutely hysterical. The fruit loops part made me laugh out loud. hehehe. van goh?!?! HAHAHA

EO said...

I don't feel safe going out tonight. Obviously he has a stash of roofies hidden in that hair.

foxy said...

if only i had a picture of that ass...

trulymadlydeeply said...

Your attack on the Clown Monkey makes me sad. How could you insult his rainbow like that, his bold attempt at being upfront about his love, be it for other bold-faced asses or simple country, girl-next-door twigs?

DON'T LISTEN TO FUP, CM!

Not like you have a choice anyway.
I mean, they don't call it a perm for nothin'!

John Bosley said...

You show restraint for not even mentioning the mohawk or dyed beard, but don't think they went unnoticed, mandrill.

Trooper Thorn said...

Mandrills are the shallowest of primates: all show and no substance.

Marianne Yates, Vid2r said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marianne Yates, Vid2r said...

omg fup is back, yay!

Ed said...

Contrary to a previous commentor, a mandrill is a big monkey, not an ape.

HC said...

Poor mandrill for having not so good looks...

Melissa said...

Those are some ridiculously insane monkeys.

Rico said...

"Fun fact: the mandrill's face looks like that to mimic the coloring of their genitalia."

So that's why he doesn't mind the question "Why the long face?"

Rico said...

God was making creatures early in history and young Jesus, who was hanging out watchin' Daddy work, asked if he could help. So God said unto his Son, "Sure, why not do some of the monkeys." Jesus asked unto his father "Are there any guidelines?" And God said "Just No Tails."

And so, Jesus went a little crazy with the colours and wasn't very good at staying in the lines (as children are wont to do) thus explaining the fucking gong-show in monkeyland we see before us today.

This also explains a few sea creatures, Boy George, Michael Jackson (too soon?), and Liza Minnelli. It does not, however, explain Barbra Streisand.

Arlene said...

On your next vacation, let Rico do your comments. He also knows animals!

Aleutie said...

So, how was the clown college, huh?

Wishing 4 One said...

what a jerk!

Drew B. Dope said...

That's why I never fuck my Froot Loops. It can get ugly!

jwm said...

All time funniest post of all time.

JWM

WR said...

Kinda of reminds me of Halloween in the Combat Zone (Boston) in the 1960's. But unless CM has had a LOT of work done, I doubt he was there...maybe he's doing retro...

frigginloon said...

So Ronald McDonald is really a friggin clown monkey ripoff. That's copyright infringement right there. FU Ronald!

Mike! said...

Where's all your friends and your tiny car beady eyed clown monkey?

Lori said...

Having looked upon the monkey under "insane" I will now require extensive therapy.

iheartfilm said...

lol. And Mandrills can be such dicks.

Mami Wata said...

A little too much blow dry, dude. Why not get out of the shower and just let it dry. Au naturel.

peedee said...

That Mandrill's too sexey for his shirt. My god what a mess.

nltisme said...

Arrogant, self absorbed monkey bastard!

Organic Meatbag said...

Myself? I think the Mandrils are cool...he looks like the John Wayne Gacy of monkeys...

finalanimestop said...

Dude, like friggin hilarious. Hey, just a random thought, remember Spark Mandrill from Megaman X? Does anyone remember that? lol, how you had to beat Chill PENGUIN to beat him easier? Just so ironic, lol.

girl6 said...

Vain jerk. Fabulous, yes--but total attention whore. Get over yourself Mandrill, you magnificent bastard.

Oh, and Ridiculously Insane Monkeys? God made magic mushrooms the same day He made you.

Just so you know.

Geophile said...

HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE IN THE WILD.---that made me lol out loud!

El Caganer said...

What a douchebag.

TJ said...

I was just looking at the World Wildlife Fund catalog and you can adopt one of these assholes for $25.

Curious Character said...

Mandrill you think you're so cool, but FYI you're a Ronald McDonald fruitloop love child arsehole, so suck on THAT.

Eleonora said...

What's up did you get kidnapped again?

Nicole said...

I hate you FUP. Just announce a fucking hiatus. You are way worse than the animals you pretend to hate. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I hate you.

hirakendu said...

:)

twawki said...

How will people afford pets when they have to pay for their pets carbon footprint?

http://twawki.com/2009/12/25/carbon-christmas-and-the-carbon-religion/

Noel said...

Agree with Nicole. What the hell. Thanks for leaving us high and dry! How many months is it gonna be? The book went to your head!!

ummmmheyyyy said...

Never fails to make me laugh at my computer in a creepish fashion.

Lisa said...

I laughed so hard that I had to drag my daughter out to read it as well! She said I was crazy, but most teenagers say that about their mom! This is so funny!

May said...

Dude. It's 3AM. And I'm awake because of YOU. You and your stupid blog. Fuck you, Fuck You Penguin.

PS the one about the baby rhinos was my favorite. Those things are insane.

Shiri said...

Are you EVER going to blog again?

Gebe said...

The ONLY time I ever took my Mother to the zoo, one of these guys very proudly displayed his bright pink erection: I was SO embarrassed! They so obviously know that we are looking at them. (So who's smarter??)

Kyle said...

when are you going to do a new post? I refuse to buy your book until we get some more free content

fu for not posting since last year:)

nltisme said...

Dude I actually bought the book this week....okay! Please please post more! We miss you!

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Miss.Mazy said...

.....WHERE ARE YOUUU???? No updates in forever. *cries*

Peter (Associate Editor) said...

Fuck You, BZA. Here you got me goddamn well hooked on reading your paltry offerings on animals, all the while pretending somehow that you,as a human, had become lord of the fucking manor.

Now, that you've become all rich and famous and selling all your books and shirts and everything, us loyal followers (I guess you would call us your bitches) are left foundering here each day, holding the proverbial mirror up to this blog's nose to determine if it's still breathing.

So listen up ass-hat, get your fucking hands off of your baby-maker and back onto your keyboard and come up with whatever semblance of a new post you can muster, you ignominous turd. You're not so high and mighty as you think.

In the words of Rene Descartes, "you type, there you am ... amn't you?". Or something like that. Catch my drift, BZA?

Pets Adviser said...

Yeah, come back soon! We miss ya.

Nandoism™ said...

child, this animal looks like it's vogueing with its mouthful. I can't stand it. c'mon, didn't Madonna teach you any better? Get with the program buddy!

Diane said...

I came across the book by accident. A lucky accident. it's wonderful to experience true belly laughs in public!

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DarkSock said...

Mandrill? I'd fuck 'im.

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VoldyMort said...

As far as that first picture goes, I am offended that you would insult the most gracious of all creatures. My own snake, Nagini (RIP) would have eaten you whole for that. Then you could make a post about how fucked it is to live inside a giant snake.

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