Friday, January 30, 2009
No post today, I feel that the full impact of my birth is enough to keep the animals in line until Monday.
In the meantime, you can make this penguin cry by buying a shirt. For your dog. Or a mug. Or a thong. Or a 1973 Chevy Camaro (Penguins hate American made, it's why their documentary was French).
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Oh, no, don't turn around, Snow Leopard. I'll just talk to your giant ass tail. What's the deal with that thing, anyway? Do you lift weights with it? What exactly do you need a tail the size of a large boa constrictor for? Are you cleaning out chimneys?
Nothing, huh? Okay, Snow Leopard. I see what's going on here. You're too busy being an obscure cat. But you know, Snow Leopard, I have feelings, too. Sure, I may not have a tail, and there are more than six billion of me, so I'm not "SUPER FUCKING SPECIAL GUY" like you. But I'm on to you, Snow Leopard, and I think it would be a good idea for you to keep your eyes open, because you never know, Snow Leopard. You. Never. Know.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Oh my God, you little highly social jerk off. It's not enough that you get your OWN FUCKING SHOW, you have to be Ansel fucking Adams with the camera. But this is exactly what happens when animals get too popular, it all goes to their heads and they start to think they should be running the show. Guess what, Meerkat? NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR POOR USE OF NEGATIVE SPACE. And yeah, your exploration of morality in a post-9/11 society would be much more impactful if you weren't a fucking cannibal, you sicko.
Let's both you and me face it together, Meerkat. The only reason people pay attention to you is for your looks, and once those go, you will be replaced by a cuter, more talented animal. I'm thinking, oh, I don't know, ELEPHANT ESTATE. Terrified, aren't you, Meerkat? Get ready to find out who your friends really are.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I see you're very proud of yourself aren't you, Pig? You get to walk around the fair without exerting any effort. For what? So you can roll around in the mud the rest of the day and not get tired? What are you doing that's so fucking exhausting that you get to be carried around and have your picture taken like you're the fucking king of the fair? EVERYBODY BOW DOWN TO THE LITTLE PIG, KING OF THE COTTON CANDY STAND. I think it's time you learned to fend for yourself, you little piece of-
What? I can hold him?... Okay, just for one second... NO! Stay strong, don't let him get to you.
Posted by bza at 7:48 AM
Monday, January 26, 2009
**A teaching moment on Fuck You, Penguin.**
Bunny, what the hell do you think you are doing? Those people out there are just trying have a nice walk in the woods, and here you are waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on them and tear their insides out, hop by excruciating hop. STOP TRYING TO CAUSE A SPONTANEOUSLY CUTE INCIDENT. Did you think I wouldn't see you? Did you think you could just go around, hiding in the dark corners of the world, working to undermine everything that holds civilized society together? You disgust me, Bunny.
LESSON: Never walk through a garden or a jungle without being aware of the distinct possibility that there could be some ridiculously cute asshole bunny crouched in the shadows, ready to pounce and violate your sacred sense of decency.
Posted by bza at 8:43 AM
Friday, January 23, 2009
What the hell, Dog? Like I'm not good enough for you. I have 6,000 friends on Facebook! YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE YOUR PAWS WOULD MAKE TYPING IMPOSSIBLY AWKWARD. What am I doing wrong here? We hung out that one time, and I thought things were going pretty well. I made some jokes, you ate your own poop, WE HAD A NICE DAY TOGETHER.
I'm not upset. I'm just unclear on what makes you think you're so fucking cool and I am just dirt on the bottom of your paw. I am a cool person. I have cool sneakers, I watched Arrested Development from the premiere on, before it got trendy, and I say things like "Yeah, I loved Kanye, before he decided he could rap." I even met Samuel L. Jackson, and I was totally like "Hey, what's going on, oh, you're in movies?" Nevermind, forget it. Fuck you, Dog. I've got other things going on. I've got plans tonight anyway, and they don't involve crying.
Posted by bza at 4:37 AM
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Lamb, you think you're so fucking great because your head is a different color than your body. Just being born in a barn doesn't make you the second coming of Jesus. IT'S JUST THE SUN, LAMB, ANYONE CAN LAY IN IT. What makes you so special? Fucking NOTHING, that's what, Lamb. All you do is prance around, eat grass, and then grow up to get ordered around by dogs. DOGS, LAMB.
ARGH! This picture almost turned me into the Hulk. My shirt actually ripped off. I also smashed my stapler, but that was unrelated. It also wasn't actually my stapler, I was borrowing it.
Posted by bza at 5:31 AM
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
What are you, Aardvark, some kind of anarchist Marxist fascist? Obviously, you must have known that uploading this picture of yourself onto the internet would single-handedly bring down the modern world. Moments after this baby updated its Facebook profile, millions of people stopped what they were doing to email this picture to everyone they knew. MANY OF THEM WERE GRANDMOTHERS, AARDVARK, WITH NO DEFENSE AGAINST YOUR POWERS. Have you no shame? We are already in a depression, Aardvark, what more do you want from us?
Wait a second. Solitary and nocturnal. Doesn't eat fruit. "An aardvark emerges from its burrow in the late afternoon or shortly after sunset, and forages over a considerable home range encompassing 10 to 30 kilometers, swinging its long nose from side to side to pick up the scent of food." It's an entire species of hackers! More snouts and tails and giant feet and wrinkly skin and goofy ears are coming, UPDATE YOUR NORTON SOFTWARE PEOPLE.
Posted by bza at 9:21 AM
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
This egotistical little jerk was basically like "Check me out, eh? EH?" and then when people didn't respond he was all "Okay, maybe you don't understand, I AM ONLY ONE AND A HALF INCHES TALL" and stood next to a fucking ruler to illustrate his point.
Well, first of all, Quail, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO IS ALLOWED TO USE CAPS LOCK ON THIS BLOG. And second, just because you are an impossibly small version of a bird doesn't make it okay to show it off. I know you grow up to be a bit of a dandy, so you have to go for it while you still got it, but you are going full court press at the moment. I need you to slow down or face the consequences, you miniature bastard.
Posted by bza at 7:01 AM
Monday, January 19, 2009
I know many of you have been waiting for this week for a very long time, but perhaps you didn't know why. Well, your suspicions were correct: this week THE GREATEST MOMENT IN AMERICAN HISTORY IS HAPPENING.
That's right: Fuck You, Penguin T-Shirts have arrived. (I believe there is also a new episode of Biggest Loser: Couples on tomorrow!!!)
Yes, because I hate ads, but love meth, I came up with the most original way to get your money ever!!! (I also sell X-Box 360s on Craig's List.) Show your devotion to the cause by displaying the super-cool Fuck You, Penguin logo designed by secret graphic-design god Dan Lopez all over town. YOU WILL BE THE HOTTEST BITCH ON THE BLOCK!!! T-shirts have been around for practically thousands of years, so there is no way these will ever go out of style.
Thrill to the straight-up logo shirt:
Marvel at the ladies version of the shirt:
Totally fucking go batshit insane for the censored but still paradigm-shifting hoodie:
Warning: THESE SHIRTS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Also, do not wear pants with these shirts, because you will end up having to take them off anyway as soon as your biggest crush sees you in one!
Just read these testimonials from actual made-up people:
"Thank God I don't have to murder everyone in my office and I can just buy this shirt to make up for the fact that I hate my job!" -businessman, 35
"Holy shit, Mom, is that a Fuck You, Penguin shirt? When did you get to be so cool? Just for that, I won't steal money out of your purse in fifteen years." -baby, 6mo.
"Could you get me one of those? If so, you can come back for a second interview. How's tomorrow at 2?" -important person, 56
"Hey, where did everyone go? I'm being cute! Goddammit, I bet it's those damn shirts again." -penguin, 3
Make sure to get your shirt quickly, because these will sell out (not true). Note: 10% of the proceeds from these shirts will be added to 90% of the proceeds from these shirts, which I will then keep.
UPDATE: By popular demand (of three people), you can now get the Fuck You, Penguin store logo on a T-Shirt. I AM HERE FOR YOU.
Posted by bza at 5:52 AM
Friday, January 16, 2009
Not to be a dick or anything, Iguana, but you're not a fucking dinosaur. I know you roam around showing off your scaly skin, beady little eyes, and your nose holes. And yes, I've seen your tongue. But let me ask you a few questions. Can I ride you? Do you have answering machine messages from Steven Spielberg? WERE YOU ON MY SHOES WHEN I WAS EIGHT???
So don't waddle or slither or whatever you do over here and pretend that you rule the earth. WELCOME TO THE QUATERNARY PERIOD, IGUANA.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Am I wrong, or did someone just take one capybara and photoshop it in different sizes and positions into the same picture? GET A NEW LOOK CAPYBARA. At this point, I'm pretty sure that meeting one capybara means you have met them all. But in the end, who wants to meet a capybara anyway? They are giant rats that think just because they have webbed feet and let you pet them that they can roam the earth for millions of years and no one will ever call them on their shit. Well you know what, Capybara? Maybe you would actually deserve my affection if you started showing just a little bit of interest in my life. But instead you just stand there with that smug look on your face, time and time again. Not very original, Capybara. How long do you really think you can ride this wave before I stop feeding you this cantelope?
Posted by bza at 7:10 AM
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
What are you, in the witness protection program? Or is that supposed to be ironic and you actually hate beards? Honestly, Tamarin, I think it's time to move on to a style that says something other than "I'm a really big fan of the TV show 'Kung Fu.'" And the tail, GOOD FUCKING GOD, MONKEY. There's no excuse for keeping yourself in such shoddy condition. ARE YOU A FUCKING CLEVELAND BROWNS FAN? I'm sure you've gotten away with a lot up to this point in your life because you are a monkey, and the more you look like an old man the more attention you get. But it's time to grow up, Tamarin. Take some responsibility for your actions.
Posted by bza at 5:02 AM
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
^^A penguin celebrates like it's Leo fucking DiCaprio^^
I would like to apologize to Cute Overload. I had them wrong. It was my understanding that they were a respectable site, merely led astray by evil and corrupt animals convincing them to do nasty things. But now I realize the truth.
For in fact, just as we were closing in on victory, they launched a SNEAK ATTACK by adding the poll directly to their main page IN CLEAR VIOLATION OF RULE #1.
If it was rule #3, I would understand. I didn't even read rule #2. But people, ARE WE REALLY SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE CUTE OVERLOAD DIDN'T READ RULE #1?
I know you people are lazy and don't want to click through to another page. I understand because I am one of you (I actually didn't get around to voting, I was planning on doing it tonight). If I could have put the poll on my front page, DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE DONE IT????
But I play by the rules. Unlike penguins and some bloggers. And by "some bloggers," I mean the fine people over at Cute Overload. (By "penguins," I literally meant penguins.)
As if it couldn't get any worse, here is what some horrible, nasty commenter over there callously said about this site:
If the language doesn't offend one's delicate sensibilities, FUP is uproarously funny. It is just friendly competition, though, to put it in perspective. They're both quality sites that greatly enrich the web experience of thousands of people. No need to declare everlasting and exclusive loyalty to one or the other.
FUCK YOU, LADY. IF I WANTED SOME FUCKING "PERSPECTIVE," I WOULD HAVE ASKED FILIPPO BRUNELLESCHI.
But alas, it is all over now.
As we speak, animals all over the globe are emboldened. But just because we lost the battle, ladies and gentlemen, does not mean we will lose the war. We. Will. Prevail.
Stay strong, get some rest, and tomorrow, we begin again.
Posted by bza at 1:45 PM
Oh, I see what you are doing, Cat. I bet you think it is so fucking cute, because you are just laying back and resting your paws on your fat fucking belly. But guess what, Cat?
ARE YOU EVEN READY FOR WHAT I AM ABOUT TO BRING DOWN ON YOU???
That pose you are in? All cats do that. That's right, Cat. You are the least special cat ever. In fact, I got this picture confused with another picture of a totally different cat on a totally different couch. So what do you think of that, Cat?
Nothing, huh? Okay. Respect.
Monday, January 12, 2009
First I thought this blue-footed booby was just doing a cute little dance, which is bad enough (personally, I can dance fucking circles around this loser). But it turns out this is a fucking mating ritual, which basically means dude is hitting on me.
But the fucked up thing is that these sexed-up douchebags do this sort of thing all the time. Take a look at this piece of work. Does she even know you are videotaping her, Romeo? Then halfway through, he invites his goddamn friends over! She's having none of it, of course, which is why a minute in she pees right where he wanted to do it! TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING SLIMEBALL.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
This is Dennis. Like many other krill, Dennis is simply trying to survive in this world. He is not seeking fame like some crustaceans. He believes in the American dream, that sacred idea that if you work hard, keep your head down, and help other Krill when they are in need, you can get ahead. Both of Dennis's parents were eaten by penguins last year, but because the penguins were being filmed by a bunch of good-for-nothing camera men at the time, Dennis was unable to come to their rescue.
Dennis has never been featured on Cute Overload. They have callously passed over the opportunity to feature krill at all, time and time again. Not because they didn't work hard, or they weren't smart enough, but because they simply didn't look the way Cute Overload thinks they are supposed to look. (Sound familiar?)
Now, Cute Overload (Which I do NOT have RSS'd on my Google Reader) has shamelessly and unapologetically called me out in the quest for Weblog Award gold. THEY ARE MAKING THEIR MOVE PEOPLE. NOW IS THE TIME TO RISE UP AND TAKE WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS. Just look at what one of their commenters heartlessly said about me. ME, PEOPLE. That means they said it about you:
It's a poorly designed blogger site, and most of the images there got posted here loooooooong ago.
WTF!!! Do they think this shit is easy??!! I spent literally minutes on the design of this site!!!
So vote, people. Do not get complacent. Vote until you can vote no longer. And then tell your friends. If you do not do it for me, do it for Dennis. But really, do it for me.
Posted by bza at 6:58 AM
Friday, January 9, 2009
That would really ruin the moment, she thinks to herself, desperate for some way - any way - out of this moment of terrifying cross-species affection. But alas, the piglet turns, just out of the desperate tiger's reach. And as the piglets climb towards the tiger's belly and begin playing with her tail, her moment has passed. All is lost. Fuck you, Piglets..., the tiger thinks to herself, just as she loses consciousness.
Posted by bza at 6:51 AM
Thursday, January 8, 2009
So this snake was supposed to eat this hamster, but supposedly it decided that the hamster was just too wonderful to eat and now they hang out and stuff. People think this is a metaphor for world peace.
Personally, I'm not impressed. I think the snake waited too long to eat the hampster because there were people watching, and now it's stuck in the friend zone. All they do is hang out and watch TV, and every time the snake says "Hey, wouldn't it be weird if I ate you?" the hamster is like "Haha, you're so funny" and changes the subject. So fuck you, Snake, for making people think world peace is achievable, when all you need to do is grow some balls.
Posted by bza at 6:36 AM
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Whitney Houston and then said disparaging things about Muhammad (peace be upon him -ed.) Osama Bin Laden would be helpless to your powers. Come to think of it, if everyone had a monkey just out of reach of a dove, perhaps we could bring about world peace. Fuck you, Monkey, for hoarding the technology.
Posted by bza at 7:26 AM
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Posted by bza at 6:55 AM
Monday, January 5, 2009
Hippo and Tortoise, this aggression will not stand. When you lie next to each other, and kiss each other, and lay your heads on each other, and do whatever else you sick fucks do that they can't include in children's books, it is like you are mugging me, but leaving my wallet and just taking my dignity. STOP BEING SUCH A STUDY IN CONTRASTS. I can tell you think this is funny, Hippo. You're looking at me like it is fucking hilarious. But Tortoise, I am particularly disappointed in you. You are 130 years old, clearly you should know better by now. You've only got another 50 years to get your act together. These pictures are everywhere. Think of what your great great great great great great grandchildren will say to you when they see them. For shame, Tortoise.
Posted by bza at 6:10 AM
Friday, January 2, 2009
[On December 27, 2008, the United States Military received a transmission from Fuck You, Penguin. Based on the evidence, the NSA was able to pair the information with what they believed was an accurate depiction of what FUP was witnessing at the moment just before communication went dead. Fuck You, Penguin would return on January 5, 2009, but with no memory of the events that had led to the disappearance, or any recollection of the transmission. The following is a complete transcript of the message for your eyes only.]
So... mad... Pandas... helping other pandas... play in the snow... oh god... THEY ARE BABIES... must. stop. cuteness... fuck you... panda assholes...[/end transmission]
So... mad... Pandas... helping other pandas... play in the snow... oh god... THEY ARE BABIES... must. stop. cuteness... fuck you... panda assholes...[/end transmission]
Posted by bza at 7:09 AM