Monday, August 31, 2009

I can't tell if you're doing that ironically

What's with the stupid pose, Cat? I'm sure you think you are just headed for the Sears catalog now... or you are making fun of people who are headed for the Sears catalog. I'm going to be honest with you, Cat, you look like a total loser, so I really hope this isn't your laid-back-but-sophisticated look.

On the other hand, if you're really trying to make an ironic statement about funny photo portraits in a turn-of-the-century trucker-hat kind of way, then a. I hate you and b. you really should have gone all the way. So either way, fuck you, Cat. The hours of Photoshop I will get out of you cannot heal the part of my soul you have destroyed. But I will try, Cat. I. will. try.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Hey, have you guys seen this picture?

I've generally let teh internet off with a warning when it comes to distributing cute animal pictures. But I want you to know I am VERY disappointed in all of you, people. What could possibly be worth sacrificing your independence and ruining your friend's day? Did this squirrel tell you to forward this to seven people or your vagina would fall off? VAGINAS CAN'T FALL OFF, PEOPLE. And can someone explain to me HOW THE FUCK THIS IS NEWS?

Fucking squirrels, people. Do you realize how many vacation photos I have ruined by jumping in front of the camera of complete strangers? Do you know how many of those photos have become internet sensations? The answers, respectively, are a lot and fucking zero. But this fucking jerk-off, THE PARIS HILTON OF THE SQUIRREL COMMUNITY, pops up in one picture with his top off and all of the sudden he gets to go to the moon and meet Abraham Lincoln. Well, fuck you, squirrel, looking mystified by simple technology that's been around for a fucking century does not impress me, even if you've conned the rest of the world.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Lucky? More like crafty.

Look at this son of a bitch. Look in his eyes. He knows exactly what he's doing. Oh, I've read the article about Lucky the Duck. I know he claims to have had an "accident" that led to him suddenly becoming famous overnight. I might even have believed him. UNTIL I SAW THIS:

Another leg problem? This time on a turtle? CONVENIENTLY ALSO NAMED LUCKY?!? This is my favorite part:
A key question is why Lucky — whose species is named for its ability to enclose itself entirely within its shell — was vulnerable to the attack in the first place.
Um, I don't know, maybe BECAUSE THE TURTLE MADE A DEAL?? This is clearly some kind of mass conspiracy organized around animals named Lucky convincing area handymen to throw something together for them in order to get into the local paper and be emailed to me. Well your luck just ran the FUCK out, you inappropriately legged, sneaky-eyed bastards. Stop trying to make me feel sorry for you, the jig's up. I heard the Associated Press just lost your fucking number.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

One small step for me. One giant leap for you.

^^Penguins are sad. You are happy.^^

It's here. Rejoice.

Twenty years ago, in the early years of this blog, I commemorated the release of my book in a 17,000 word essay. I think it is even more relevant now than it was twenty years ago.

Click here to read this insightful piece.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Beavers think they're so fucking clever

If there's one thing I hate, it's animals that try to live their lives like high-concept performance pieces. I bet this beaver literally shit his pants when he saw this sign (which is most likely why he is not wearing pants). "Oh man," he probably thought to himself, tapping his fingers together, "it says no feeding. But the sign's post is made out of wood. This is going to be better than the time I made a dam out of copies of Salmon Rushdie's The Satanic Verses."

Well guess what, fucker? TIME MAGAZINE SAID IRONY DIED LIKE EIGHT YEARS AGO. So you are completely behind the times, and your little stunt looks more like a fucking joke now. Time to go back to the drawing board, Beaver. Next time, there better be a sharper exploration of the existential plight of rodents, or I'm not coming back.

--Do you think this is a real beaver, or did the beaver replace himself with a replica to signify the out-of-body experiences we all live with on a daily basis? Join the controversial debate in the comment section!--

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Ten Best Things About FU, Penguin: The Book

**Shameless Self-Promotion Week**

I've been getting a lot of emails this week from people asking me things like, "Do you have any plans for a book?" and "When are you going to make a book?!" Well, the answers are "Yes" and "Right now!" As a handy guide for readers of the blog who aren't yet aware of this HUGE development (biggest news story of the summer, much?) I have put together this list of the ten best things about Fuck You, Penguin's foray into the printed word.

1. ALL YOUR FAVORITE POSTS: The greatest hits with full color photos so you can take them anywhere and spread the gospel.

2. BRAND NEW MATERIAL: A third of the posts are totally exclusive to the book. This means you can say to your friends, "Hey, did you see that Lemur post," and they will be like "Yeah," and then you'll be like "No, not that one, the one from the book," and then they will go and buy the book, too! (Better for me than you.)

3. LITTLE TO NO CHANCE OF THE BOOK CARRYING SWINE FLU: We've listened to the feedback from fans, and eliminated the Swine Flu element of the book. This book is now 99-100% Swine Flu free - guaranteed!

4. FACTS ABOUT ANIMALS: Each post has ball-shattering revelations about the animals you can't get anywhere else. For example, did you know that penguins never use their turn-signals? This is the shit you need to know in order to survive in today's fast-paced economy.

5. THE BEST GIFT SINCE LIFE: Giving this book as a gift to your friend, family member, co-worker, pet, fellow commuter, teacher, student, or Oprah is like giving birth to that person. They will be so grateful that they may come to look at you as some kind of god that has ushered in a new era of enlightenment. This is when you have the unique opportunity to take advantage of their goodwill. You're welcome.

6. HITLER WOULD FUCKING HATE THIS BOOK: I sent this book to a number of scholars who have spent their lives studying Hitler and the Third Reich, and they assured me that Hitler would have found this book to be a threat to Aryan superiority. What's that? You didn't pre-order a copy of the book yet? YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING NAZI, ARE YOU?!

7. EXCLUSIVE INTRODUCTIONS GALORE: I introduce so much shit in this book it isn't even funny. IN FACT, IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS. Ever wanted to know how I created this site? BUY THE FUCKING BOOK.

8. THRILLING SECTIONS: An entire ALL-NEW penguin section! Domestic Animals! UGLY ANIMALS! FUCK YOU, PENGUIN THE EARLY YEARS!!!!11!!!1

9. I WROTE THIS BOOK: That means the more copies get sold, the more money I make. Don't you want to make me happy? All I want is to make you happy. Why can't you just let me make you happy?


Remember: it is always a good idea to lose your first copy of any book so you have to buy another copy in order to read it. Now go forth!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A very special Thursday note

Good Thursday, people. I'm sure you are all wondering why you are hearing from Fuck You, Penguin today, so let me explain and calm your beating heart. I've been getting some pushback on shameless self-promotion week, with a number of people wondering just how necessary it is since I've basically cornered the market on books about cursing at animals at this point and I'm in perfect position to eventually become the required summer reading in between tenth and eleventh grade at high schools nationwide. So I just wanted to address the concerns. First of all, while some people have expressed mild skepticism, I have also gotten an enormous positive response that has gone largely untold in the cute-focused media. Here is just one randomly selected email out of the literally HUNDREDS I send myself EVERY DAY praising the shameless self-promotion week:

Dear FU, Penguin,

Holy shit! We're loving the shameless self-promotion week over here! If you keep selling this book so well, we are all going to be filthy rich! WE WILL LITERALLY HAVE TO SHIELD OURSELVES FROM ALL THE LOSERS WHO DO NOT HAVE MONEY!!!!!


Your Corporate Overlords

See? By all accounts, this has been a crushing success. Second, and most important, I hope you all realize that shameless self-promotion week is for you people! It has always been about you people. You see, I just named it shameless self-promotion week in order to avoid patting myself on the back for doing such a selfless thing for you. You are all very welcome, and don't worry about it if you didn't see at first how nice I was being. I didn't see it at first either.

This very special Thursday edition of Fuck You, Penguin has been brought to you without commercial interruptions by FU, Penguin. "FU, Penguin: You've Only Bought One Copy?"

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Are you reading FU Penguin?


Hey Puppy, what are you reading? Is it that awesome new book, FU Penguin, that world famous dog Advice Dog called, "The best book ever written in the modern English language?" I bet you're not even reading it, you're probably reading Mastering the Art of French Cooking like a fucking loser. Oh, the book's been around for fifty years, but you're only just picking it up now that a fucking movie is out? WAY TO JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON, ASSHOLE. You realize you are playing right into the film marketer's hands, right? THOSE SOULLESS VAMPIRES WILL SUCK THE JOY OUT OF ANYTHING.

Well, I hear the author of FU, Penguin is a street-level-hero kind of guy, and he has already turned down twenty seven different offers to turn his book into a movie, three offers to be part of Oprah's dumb book club, and eight contracts from Nike to be their spokesperson as soon as they figure out how to fire that loser Tiger Woods. (Golf? That's funny, I don't remember wanting to buy shoes from my Grandpa.) Why don't you go pre-order it at one of these fine retailers:

You can thank me later, Puppy. Now get out of bed and go make me a nice Vichysoisse.

Monday, August 17, 2009

FU Penguins are always FU Penguining


Hey Cat, has anyone ever told you that you remind them of the book FU, Penguin that is going to be released on August 25th, 2009, but that you can pre-order from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders, or Indie Bound right now? In fact, I was reading my advance copy the other day, and I was laughing and laughing. Have you heard that world famous cat Keyboard Cat said FU, Penguin was, "The greatest book of the new millenium?"

Do you like to laugh, Cat? I bet you don't even remember what it is like. I bet if you bought the book FU, Penguin, you would laugh so hard that you would have to go out and buy another copy of the book FU, Penguin, available wherever fine books are sold. I BET YOU WOULD LOVE FU, PENGUIN AND CHERISH IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE. Here, Cat, I will even provide you with the links to various sites that are selling FU, Penguin:

Are you happy now, Cat? I mean, Jesus FU, Penguin Christ.

Friday, August 14, 2009

You'll take Manhattan when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands

This dog's name is Snapdragon, which not coincidentally is the PERFECT FUCKING NAME for this Muppet-looking motherfucker. I was sent in this picture by a person pretending to be the owner, but honestly is there any possible way this is a real dog? And if it is a real dog, it should be taken away because it is clearly fucking out of its mind high. THERE IS NO WAY I'M COMING TO SIT ON THAT COUCH WITH YOU, DOG. I don't care how many episodes of Planet Earth you have cued up.

**This Fuck You, Penguin post has been brought to you by the letter "L"**

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Slow-burn cuteness: the silent killer

The aye-aye was one of the first animals I was tipped off to by readers and, believe me, I had the same reaction you are having right now: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT AND WHY WON'T IT LET GO OF MY EYES? Months later, after looking at hundreds of pictures of aye-ayes (including this one and this one), receiving countless more emails from concerned citizens, and briefly opening and managing my own aye-aye singles bar to help increase their dwindling population, I've decided to add the aye-aye to my list of animals that are fucking bullshit.

How can one animal be so creepy, and yet so hairlessly wonderful? THIS IS DEAL-WITH-THE-DEVIL-TYPE SHIT. He's got the fingers of the Grim Reaper, the eyes of a snake, and the ears of a Pepperidge Farm cookie wrapper and yet I want to spend an afternoon showing him how to use iTunes. Fuck you, Aye-Aye, for taking your time to crawl into my heart and do some remodeling. I'll have the last laugh when you're old and ug... oh, fuck.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Never work with an alpaca

How come every time alpacas feel like the energy is low at work they have to do the worm from Labyrinth? Listen, Alapaca, obscure references to 80s cult movies are no excuse for your fuzzy hair, your bushy tail, your fucking face. And why are you always smiling? Are you purposefully trying to make me love you?

Well you and your whole species have tried to avoid the truth for a long time. You have poor dental hygiene, you look goofy when you get your hair cut, and your small talk is possibly the worst I have ever heard. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR COMMUTE, ALPACA. You are a poor man's llama. So stop pretending you don't have legs and get back to work.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A terrorist is born

It is a sad day for America, people. Yesterday, at approximately 6:66 in the morning (coincidence?), a baby panda was born at the San Diego Zoo. You can see the video here, but be warned IT IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. For those of you who cannot bear to click through, I have gotten John Hurt and Ridley Scott together to recreate the birth in this much less terrifying photo.

At this point, the baby panda has no fur, chirps like a velociraptor, and is the size of a stick of butter. But remember people: Osama Bin Laden was once the size of a stick of butter (when I molded a stick of butter into the shape of Osama Bin Laden). Pretty soon they turn into this. And then this. AND THEN THIS. And then this. Before finally, they start spreading out all over the world.

That's how this is all going to play out. So mark my words. Now is the time to rise up against this threat. Meg Sutherland-Smith, if you have any human left in you and you aren't entirely in the pocket of Big Panda, please, I beg you, make sure you raise this panda right, to respect our common decency and keep it humble. Show it this website. Buy it my book.

Actually, it might be better if you just sent it to me to raise. I can introduce it to my gorilla. Wait, never mind. Probably a bad idea.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

When animals collude

Donkeys aren't that cute and, let's face it, zebras are even less cute. When you Google image search "cute zebra," 11 of the first 12 images that come up are cartoons. The 13th is a baby in a zebra costume (no way that baby was gonna fool me, men can't carry real zebras). Obviously, zebras had to do something.

Enter the zonkey. One part zebra, one part donkey, a million parts out of control. Striped black and white legs and a brown body? This is a fucking disaster. What happened to properly mixing your heritage, Zonkey? You aren't supposed to look like napoleonneapolitan ice cream, here, YOU ARE A FUCKING ANIMAL.

Zebras and donkeys ought to learn that two moderately cute wrongs do not make an extremely cute right, but most importantly, let's all hope this doesn't spread. If I see a rhinopotamus any time soon THAT'S ON YOU, ZONKEY.

Monday, August 3, 2009

For fuck's sake, adopt this dog

British people (I know you're there) I need a favor. ADOPT THIS DOG RIGHT FUCKING NOW. This article depicts a cunning dog that is using sympathy to infiltrate my mind and make me sad. SAD, PEOPLE. I don't have time to be sad: I HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT.

The dog's name is E.T., which makes the whole thing worse because in the movie E.T. was just trying to get home and now this dog wants a home and if you people don't take this fucking dog out of that cage and bring it home and give it a biscuit I'm going to be VERY UPSET. Look at him. He's regal, people! Once he is adopted, he'll be just another dog. His power will be neutralized!

British people, we have done so much for you. Now is your time! Trust me, it was a huge hassle to cart all the money you were making off of the colonies back across the Atlantic. We did you a favor! I promise if one of you takes this dog, we can call it even. I don't even care what misguidedly cute things you do with it. You can dress it up in a medieval costume and paint portraits of it for all I care. Just, please, get it out of my sight.