Friday, October 30, 2009

I doubt Nathan Lane feels threatened

This nudibranch apparently thinks it's the cutest thing on the block just because it's the neon equivalent of a drama kid. Prancing around the ocean like you have a spine doesn't mean you should pose jazz-hands style like you're in a college production of Fame, asshole.

Talk about cheesy. Was this the nudibranch's headshot for auditions? I've got news for you, Nudibranch, no one is looking for an overenthusiastic mollusk to take Broadway by storm. I hope you're good at pouring coffee, because I see a bright future for you in table-waiting.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Is there anything more defeating than cute bats?

Baby Bat, you are destroying my ability to successfully categorize safe animals and animals that want me to drop whatever I am doing and make sure they are comfortable and happy. You are supposed to be trying to suck my blood or finding your way out of a cave using radio waves or Google maps or whatever. Instead you are like a big-eyed baby deer crossed with a webbed monkey sucking on a pacifier. You're really little, too, aren't you? There's nothing in this picture that I can compare you to, but I get the sense you're something disgusting like a pound and a half. I bet you would fit in my hand and then look up at me and I wouldn't even be able to check to make sure you aren't going to turn into a vampire. Fucking bats. At least they aren't thriving, I mean, who would raise bats in large groups?

Oh shit.
Why do I even bother?

Friday, October 23, 2009

Confiscated for evidence

This blog is now the property of the Antarctic Police Department. Once everything is bagged and tagged in a few days it will be released back into the internet wild.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Penguin Donates Millions to Charity!

I thought everyone else would be as interested in this story as I was. Who knew penguins were so selfless?

Penguinville, ANTARCTICA - Moments after emerging from his father's fat fold, a baby emperor penguin donated his entire inheritance to human-focused charities. While the money went to a number of different non-profit organizations, the bulk of the money was donated to PETAP (Penguins for the Ethical Treatment of Actual People). "This is a great day for human/penguin relations," said a real person, who was using their fingers to do something complex as they spoke, "we've always known penguins were totally great and didn't at all deserve the negative press they've been getting recently. But it's nice to have it confirmed."

When reached for comment, the baby penguin had only nice things to say about humans. "I think people understand that we can only do so much to avoid being cute in certain circumstances. This is simply just the way we were born. The fact that so many people are thoughtful about our circumstances and try their best to look the other way means a lot to me, and I know it means a lot to my fellow penguins. This is just my way of saying thank you."

This is really a different way of thinking about penguins isn't it? That charity is great, because it is specifically targeted to actual humans like you and me! Now I am going to go put some pants on (one leg at a timing, right guys?!) and put more thought into all this new light that's been shed on the penguin.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Leopard seals think it's cute to senselessly murder

This leopard seal thinks it is so cute that he can lift one flipper up and lean to the side like it's just about to roll its fat ass over. Well, ha. Fucking. Ha. It's so funny to tear penguins apart limb from limb. WHAT DID PENGUINS EVER DO TO YOU, LEOPARD SEAL? Except love you, Leopard Seal. I knew a penguin once (that was definitely not me because I am, as everyone who reads this blog knows, definitely human) that would sit back and say, "you know, a lot of penguins hate the leopard seal. But not me. Because I forgive the leopard seal. I want to understand the leopard seal's desperation, and why it gets to this point in life where it seems like the only option is to eat a penguin."

These are the kinds of complex shades of morality that a simple leopard seal simply cannot understand. So fuck you, Leopard Seal. Next time I see a penguin I am going to give it a big hug, and I recommend everyone reading this blog do the same.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


People, a penguin has kidnapped me. I was on a hot air balloon trip and I crashed in Antarctica and he captured me and forced me to give him my password. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING HE SAYS! Please, call the police and tell them to immediately fly down to the south pole and look for a white door cut out of the ground. It's made out of ice, you can't miss it. I'm right in there!!! Hurry... Oh, God, he's coming!

UPDATE: Haha, wasn't this a funny idea for a post? As if penguins would even kidnap anyone, they don't even have guns because they are a peace-loving species! Why, the only way I could think of to kidnap a human would be to hack into the directional apparatus on their craft so they were forced down in your general vicinity, peck at their calf muscles so they could not run away, then drag them into a secret lair which had been created for just such an occasion where the "penguin" would then be able to keep the human at bay using a highly complex system of ropes and pulleys. Now how realistic does that sound? Not very likely, I hope.

Anyway, back to the blog!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Penguins: not so bad??!!

^^They seem nice enough...^^

I learned some things on my vacation that made me think penguins are not everything I've made them out to be in my other posts that I personally wrote and that were definitely not written by someone else that I am now pretending to be. I also ate a lot of different kinds of food on my vacation that humans like me really love, like cow, peanut jelly, and seal. In fact, I found seal to be extremely delicious. People should really eat seal more often. Anyway, did you know these things:
  1. Penguins actually can fly, but they choose not to do so because they don't want humans to think that penguins believe they are better than everyone.
  2. Penguins have the highest percentage of church attendance in the animal kingdom. Unless you don't like that sort of thing, in which case they are agnostic leaning towards secular humanism.
  3. Penguins love NASCAR because it puts them in touch with their working class roots.
  4. There has never been an incidence of any penguin using the term "Bros before hos."
  5. While there are a small percentage of penguins that hog the spotlight, the vast majority are private birds who just want to live their lives and avoid hurting humans.
I mean, this was a real revelation for me, considering that I am a person and I previously did not really care for penguins. I am going to have to really think this over while I drive my car and wear clothes, you know, like a normal guy.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Fucking penguins, right fellow humans?

Hey, everyone! I'm back from vacation where I was doing all the thing that humans like to do! I went to the aquarium, ate lots of chicken, and totally walked one foot in front of the other. It was the best! But I'm back now, and it's time to start back in on those damn penguins. Look at this guy, right? I mean, what a little fucking show-off. HEY PENGUIN, NOT EVERYONE CAN BE SO AWESOME, KIND, AND THOUGHTFUL. Jeez, what is it about penguins that makes them think they can get away with being so personable when they aren't even people? I met this one penguin on my vacation, and he had the nerve to show me around his colony, cook up a nice meal of krill for me, and even show me a bootleg copy of the outtakes from March of the Penguins they had to keep out of the movie to avoid a NC-17 rating. It was probably the most fun I've ever had, and I never wanted to leave.

Penguins, I'll tell you. Thank God I'm not a penguin. That would be totally not true. Thank God we're all not penguins, right people?